Please help - relationship meltdown with husband

[amijee]

I hope someone can help me. We had a baby 3 weeks ago and my relationship with my husband is at breaking point. Pregnancy and delivery was fine and baby is ok apart from bfing frequently. I feel ok as well. The ony thing that's getting me down is my husband. He is at home full time as well as I am going back to work after 3 mths whilst he stays at home. He has changed from a person that is ordinarily extremely supportive emotionally to someone that's cutting me no slack whatsoever. It was really bad in the first week as he had a real adjustment problem to the whole thing - he actually told me that the baby should not change a thing about our relatinship and felt as if he was an "afterthought" in my mind. All this this when I was getting about 2 hrs sleep in a 24 hr period. I think he fels jealous of our son for all the time I am spending with him and also jealous of me as I'm feeding our son most of the time and he can't get close to him. We also have differing views on what's right for the baby..and I feel that mine are generally what the rest of the population would feel and he's are not. For example, he seemed to think it was fine to carry a newborn baby in his arms in the 1st week to pop to the local newsagents shops. I realise I may have a slight neurosis about safety of the baby, especially as I dreamt about dropping a baby throughout pregnancy, but I don't think he is helping. He also judges what the baby should be wearing by how hot or cold he is feeling and he has always been someone who has felt much hotter than me in cool environments.

These are just a few examples of the continual things we disagree about. I told him today that I was worried about going back to work and giving him total responsibility because he doesn't do things the way I do. He took it to mean i couldn't let go at all but told him I would be fine with someone I felt was doing things properly. He's now left the house and I'm not sure when he's back but I'm actually kind of relieved to have some breathing space.

The other big thing is his drinking. He has always been a big drinker even in he house but I naively thought it would change once the baby arrived. If anything, it has got worse. I hate the fact that he has anything to do with the baby when he has been drinking 9 or 10 units in an evening which he can do easily. I've said this to him and it hasn't made much difference. I feel so disturbed that if he can't even cut down for the arrival of a new baby, he never will.

I know that the drinking is a seperate issue but ha anyone else had experiences of their relationship being in tatters the minute the baby is born. Oh and another thing, I'm sure not having sex is making him cranky as well because he seems to always associate our emotional intimacy with the physical and can't quite understand why I may be just a little frightened of having sex less han 3 weeks after delivery ( as well as having a manual evacuation for a retained placenta)

I am so sorry you are having to go through this so soon afetr a new baby. I have not been through it myself but I would most certainly think again about leaving a 3 month old with a father who seems to have a drink problem.
Unfortunately men seem to have this connection between sex and love/attention and think without sex there is no love or affection which of course isn't true.
I would say don't worry about small things like him choosing what the baby wears. As long as baby is comfy it doesn't really matter and probably not worth arguing over.
I personally wouldn't have a problem with my Dh carrying a newborn anywhere but that comes down to me trusting me 100% with our baby it sounds like you maybe don't? Although If my Dh had touched any alcohol I wouldn't let him out of the house with a newborn or any child.
Hopefully someone else will have good Avice for you but Hugs xxxx In the meantime

OMG sex 3 weeks after delivery - he has a lot to learn!

As for the strain of a new baby on the relationship - that sounds pretty normal to me... My DH reacted very badly to new baby! Yes they do get jealous and left out when you bf but hey they get over it! You need to concentrate on you and the new baby

I think the main problme is his drinking - that sounds a lot. Do you trust him not to drink when you are back at work and him in sole charge?

By the way congratulations on the new lo

me trusting him i meannt

Lots going on here.

I think your difference of opinion about the baby is perfectly normal, and suspect nearly everyone finds their partner difficult right after they have a baby, particularly a first baby.

I'm worried about how you're handling this difference of opinion. It doesn't sound like you're arguing very productively, to put it mildly. Can you put aside what will happen in three months, for now, and just focus on being pleasant and helpful to each other, day to day? The first six weeks suck, frankly, and there's no point in worrying about several months from now, at this point.

The drinking worries me quite a bit, but I'm twitchy about drinking, anyway. Does he always have 7-10 units per night? Is he binge-drinking? This sort of thing has to have health effects, doesn't it? Any chance of him talking to his GP or similar?

Him expecting you to want sex at this point boggles me. Again, it doesn't sound like you're talking to each other very well about this. Any chance of cuddling, or other sexual activities, working as a substitute? (Why would you want to, though, when he's being so unpleasant otherwise ...)

you seem to be in a never ending circle

being a new parent is a huge change for you of you
it takes time to adjust
your newborn will settle quickly re feeding and sleeping etc
and then i would take the time just to have a good chat/cuddle on the couch with your dh and just discuss eachothers issues together

while tensions are high,and hardly any sleep it will only cause more rows and hard feelings between the two of you

re the taking the baby to the shop etc, I can understand re the safety aspect but i think he is having a "proud daddy" moment.
good luck and hope you both sort it out
xxx

OK first off: please try not to worry about the fact your relationship is under stress. Although it's not nice, it is utterly normal - I loathed my husband for the first 6-8 weeks after DS arrived, and we'd had a very good, communicative relationship up to that point.

It's very early in the parenting process, and the mixture of hormones and sleep deprivation is still enormously powerful, so it's possible that things you think are huge issues now will seem fairly unimportant in 3 months time. To help him develop a relationship with the baby it is important that he works out his own way of doing things, even if it's not yours. I'd really try and bite your lip, unless you think there is a very substantial risk to the baby's health. Think of it this way: is the potential risk greater than the risk of him not having a close relationship with his dad? For issues like temperature, get a thermometer!

Try and pick three things that you think are most important about how the baby is treated, talk to your husband about why they are crucial, and then let him find solutions to the other stuff.

The drinking is more worrying, I agree, although it's probably a reflection of the stress he feels under. This certainly happened to me: I drank too much after DS arrived, because I was getting depressed and shell shocked, but it did settle down within three months quite naturally, as I found my feet. My suggestion would be to let your partner have more responsibility for the baby during the day and then he can earn 'time off' in the evening - you could make it so it wasn't every night of the week - to have a drink and unwind.

Fundamentally, though, I agree with NQC, it sounds like you haven't managed to get a conversation going about this where both of you really understand what the other is going through. If you can, try sitting down with the goal of really understanding what the problems are, and jointly coming to a solution - which shouldn't just be one or the other of you changing your behaviour, but a action plan that you can both follow.

Only after that can you hope to regenerate enough affection to get sex off the ground - you're just going to have to reassure him that this is a temporary blip and you can still love him, once this is over.

Good luck

Sorry, have not read the messages.

Your dreams of dropping the baby show your responsible side. Maybe also a transferance, at knowing WHO would be in charge. You should be in a position to look after a young child, not the male!! Sorry, bit feminist, but how I feel !! Do not let jealousy, manipulation, etc . rob you of this right. Hope you might be able to find finacial help from somewhere elese? Parents? Do not be bullied. Men are very aggressive. It might be that you are a very nice person. Beware ... have your rights, even so !!! You might only ever have one child. Life is for the living, be stong. You carried and delivered!!!

The drinking worries me a lot, also the safety issues. I think you have to try not to confront him but try to explain in as non-threatening way as you can that it's not safe to look after a baby if you've been drinking. Explain that he has to get that under control if you are to leave the baby with him and that it is not negotiable.