Is there a way. Will I hurt my ds beyond repair?

[pnutter]

I dont really know where to start..trying to cut a very long story short:

More than 10 years ago I lived with then dp. We had a very Tempestuous relationship, very passionate relationship..we were addicted to each other but constantly fighting..in the end I walked away fearing we were damaging each other and our kids..
My son was then around 10 and his 6
Now, I have (willingly) made contact with my previous dp. We met up. We talked through the past and we feel that we would like to try again..
He has spoken to his family and they have been positive about our relationship
I'm not close to my family and haven't told anyone. But I must tell my son.
I think he will disown me. He will be seriously unhappy and let down. Is there any point me trying to explain the different people we are now?

Suddenly you will stop fighting? What's going to be different this time?

We both gave up drink after we split.
We are ten years on and from what we've said..feel much better as individuals

Given what you put your son through maybe you should be putting him first now.

I am just not sure how or if to broach it with ds

Yes.

How old are your sons now?

I think you should be putting them first in all this since you didn't do it the first time round.

Your son is now what, 20? Is it really any of his concern at this stage?

Or were things so bad that you'd be bringing back really hideous memories for him? Did your Ex treat him badly?

Calmly. Bluntly. Tell not ask.

Then let him throw everything at you - he will, he cares and has horrid memories.

Then tell him he has every right to feel that way. Tell him you will be doing this slowly, no rushing to live together - you wouldn't do that, would you?

Tell him you value and need his support, you want to explore this now dry relationship. Tell him you love him. Tell him you are going to do this, BUT you will still need him and his support/

See what he says!

He was caught in the cross fire . He has got bad memories of it yes.
He is doing really well and doesn't live at home.
There's no way either of us want to live together

Cross fire as in not physically but arguments

You mean you and your ex don't want to live together?

Yes..we both have our own homes and are happy living apart. There is some distance. It would suit us better to live apart in lots of ways.

The danger of going back to toxic people from your past is that you'll settle back into toxic old behaviour patterns. That you've both given up drinking is an improvement but you don't have to be pissed to be yelling at each other. I don't think children should dictate adult relationships but, on this occasion, I don't think it's solely concern for your DS giving you second thoughts. I think you know you're taking a big risk.

My Mother made up with her abusive ex several times, I never cut all ties but I did take a massive emotional step back from her life and our relationship. I think that would be a big risk if he was hurt by your ex in the past.

Thanks for the replies which I have also shown to dp. Has anyone done this?