Am I expecting too much? Do we need councilling? Or just a date night per month

[Sunblushsister]

Having a few problems with our marriage of 5 years. We have 1dd (4yrs) and one Ds (2 yrs) beautiful kids. Everything should be perfect but I feel like our marriage has lost all it's magic and sparkle and we are drifting further and further apart. We've had a variety of issues which seem better now - including him being quite resentful and negative towards me. So I don't know whether I still haven't truly forgiven him for how he has been in the past.

It's weird but we can get on well and be ok and then I get into bed at night next to him and feel terrible. All these thoughts go through my mind like how we are not suited and why am I wasting my life with this man etc. it will often drive me to say something and then of course it makes it worse.

My main problem is that I just don't feel special anymore. That might sound like a really immature thing to say but it's true. I somehow need him to make a fuss of me and cherish me the way he used to and somehow I feel we have lost that.

He is much better than how he was, I have to admit. But there is a lack of excitement about the future and I have to instigate any plan which makes me feel like he doesn't really want to do it.

I've suffered with anxiety and low mood so keep thinking - is this me?? Then I think, hang on, I need someone who is going to enjoy my company when the kids aren't around. dh is not a big talker at all. If I want to do something I usually go out with my friends or go out on my own. Otherwise we are out as a family.

Should we do a date night?? Or councilling? It's like we have forgotten about how to maintain and look after our relationship.

Can you define 'resentful and negative'? What kind of things do you mean? After just five years and two children, most people would still be in the phase of cherishing each other and doing nice things for each other. Living in an atmosphere of 'resentful and negative' would make anyone feel anxious and in a low mood.... so don't be too quick to assume it's some kind of internal problem on your part. Are you saying you're ignored, taken for granted, talked down to.... something like that?

It's hard when you have young children to keep the intimacy and the friendship in a relationship going as it was, and on that front I think 'date night', as much as I hate the term, is never a bad idea. We've just started making an effort to do it and I feel it will help, a bit of normality having a curry and a few pints once a month, something like what we used to do before DC were born.

Having said that, a 'variety of issues' and 'resentful and negative' are worrying terms to use. That doesn't sound like a normal issue. Could you say more about that?

Well about a year ago it was really bad with him. We had a miscarriage and after that he began to change towards me. Just the way he spoke to me, subtle put downs. He went through a phase of throwing us dirty pants at me every morning when I was in bed amongst other things. I think now he feels bad for that and has apologised. So now generally we are much better but sometimes for no reason he will be moody. So he will grunt or nod rather than speak and he will out of the blue throw a really nasty comment at me that will really cut me.

Now this might all sound very very like not much at all. But it worms it's way in gradually over time and as I told him last night it has made me feel like I don't know where we are with our relationship.

Last night we spoke about it a lot and he did actually listen. Before he used to walk out the room or say 'this is the way I am, you married me'

I feel like I'm too young for all the excitement and sparkle to go out our relationship. Where will we end up otherwise. Sometimes I actually think we just need a change of scene and more social things by ourselves as we never get a baby sitter. Other times I think we are not compatible any more.

I don't know about incompatible but he sounds extremely immature at best and a bit of a bully at worst. If there's a phrase guaranteed to make me think a man is a badly behaved & selfish knob it's 'this is the way I am'. In other words.... 'shut up because I ain't changing'.

Of course it worms its way in because that's what that kind of attitude is designed to achieve. You feeling put down, a little anxious, maybe blaming yourself, wondering how to get the sparkle back..... while Mr 'this is the way I am' just carries on doing his own sweet thing.

I'm glad he's listening to you. Don't run around after him though. Put the ball in his court.... what's he going to do to get the sparkle back for you ?

Thanks cognito. You are so right. Trouble is I say all this and get my point across and then feel bad afterwards and then check if he's alright. I've just texted him now. I realise I have to be a bit stronger otherwise he's never going to change.

Always be strong. Always be assertive. Demand respect and beware of running around always trying to make someone happy because all it will earn you is their contempt, not their respect. People rarely change ..

Cognito is right. Be strong and value the person you are, he has no right to treat you on this way but probably senses he has the upper hand. Look after yourself and don't keep running around after him. Not all relationships are based on respect and fairness and sometimes people need to be taught and trained to be this way. You, as the reasonable one will have to do this. Expect more from him and don't put up with unreasonable behaviour

I expect a lot of full time mums feel like this. It's hard to feel strong when you're not the main breadwinner. I will try very hard to walk taller and be strong. He's not a bad person - he's a great dad. I just think he has forgotten how to be a great husband. He has to realise on his own though.

Dreading him coming home tonight. He will be moody. ....

I'm a SAHM and I certainly don't feel like this because my dh doesn't throw dirty pants at me or put me down. You say it's "not very much at all" but IMO it's everything. If there isn't basic respect and kindness in a relationship what is there?

In what way is he a great dad? Because to me any man who treats his children's mother with such nastiness is a rubbish dad.