Am I a mug?

[cannypenguin]

I'm a new poster here but long time lurker. Hoping for some advice.

I have been with my partner for 6 years, engaged for five. We have no children but have been ttc without success for the past 5 years. I'm 26, he is 29.

My partner is a type one diabetic and has ended up in hospital numerous times after drinking too much and being unable to control his blood sugars. Most recently three separate weeks in hospital since September last year. I have given him ultimatums every time to try and get him to stop drinking but he refuses to accept he cannot handle alcohol. The other problem is every time he is off work we struggle to cope with money as he only gets statutory sick pay, meaning I have to keep loaning money from my family to get by. I do work as well but my wage pays all the bills and we live off his pay week to week. He then takes out various pay day loans which we cannot afford to pay back.

The most recent time he was in hospital (January this year) he promised he would stop drinking for good, but over the past two weeks has started having between 1 and 4 pints when he goes out. I swore last time that if started drinking again I would leave but can't bring myself to do it. He has come in tonight after having 4 pints and told me that he never had any intention of stopping drinking and that he is trying to re educate himself and only have a few drinks.

When it challenge him about his behaviour he replies "I'm a man I'll do what I want". I feel like he has no respect for me and just expects me to get on with it and put up with his behaviour but I don't want to spend my whole life feeling like this and feeling on edge every time he goes out in case he ends up in hospital.

Do you think I am being unreasonable about his drinking or should I be thinking about moving on? I feel a bit melodramatic to be considering leaving over what seems a trivial issue and I don't want to throw away 6 years of my life.

Sorry for the essay that was longer than I expected.

Don't think about it as "throwing away" 6 years, think about it as not throwing away the opportunity to be with a proper loving grown up man who could be a good father to your future children. And if you don't leave kick him out immediately then start using contraceptives straight away - a pregnancy with him would lead to misery for you and the child.

Yes LTB.

He's an alcoholic. He will eventually lose his job if he is landing himself in hospital regularly through drink.

Although I'm aware many people drink 4 pints and see it as normal it is actually a lot of alcohol, especially for a diabetic.

Not only is he an alcoholic but he's a disrespectful misogynist too. "I'm a man and I can do what I want" is enough just on it's own tbh.

None of this is trivial.

It's not a trivial issue. He's an alcoholic and he has no intention of changing. He doesn't respect you.

Right now you have no children together and you can walk away; I suggest you do so. You are only twenty-six and have plenty of time to find a decent partner.

I would recommend Al-Anon for yourself, and don't think about wasting 6 years - look at it as saving the next 60 from misery.

"I'm a man, I'll do what I want". That sums up his entire attitude, both to his own life; he's not willing to take responsibility for his actions or his health, and to you; you're expected to put up and shut up. This is not trivial, and you are not overreacting.

Leaving aside the six years you've spent with him, what is best for you, now? Given that you want marriage and a family, is a man who behaves this way really the one you want as your children's greatest influence?

OP, I strongly recommend that you have a look at the Al Anon website and, if possible, attend a few meetings. Just because his life belongs to the bottle (whether he realises it or not), yours doesn't have to. But it will, if you don't get clear now.

And I can't emphasise enough what others have said above: don't look at the six years gone by and think that you don't want to waste them, because all that will happen is you'll continue to waste the years to come.

*just to be clear - Al Anon is not AA. Al Anon is a separate, sister organisation for families of alcoholics.

I think you have to leave...definitely don't have children with him . He sounds like he is struggling to cope.
I'm not sure if he is an alcoholic - or if it is a kind of rebellion against having his life curtailed by an illness. He must have spent years controlling his behaviour, not doing things but watching his friends do them etc...
When I was 24 I was diagnosed with a blood disorder and had to start taken warfarin. Told for life. Alcohol interacts with warfarin, you can drink but the same amount every day, no binges etc. The danger is an internal bleed that could be fatal, which may not be picked up on quickly.
I was gutted - I still liked getting drunk after work etc. Every so often I would have one drink - all my friends were drinking - I would risk 2 drinks then I would think fuck it and get pissed...I did sometimes get scared when I was pissed but I would do it again a week or so later. Didn't take my warfarin the next day because of it (also dangerous)....luckily I never came to any harm - not sure if it would have stopped me...
Did eventually stop getting myself in that situation... by avoiding it or I drove - a reason for not drinking other than my illness was taking all the fun out of my life - no point in being alive if you are miserable...
Also I guess I came to terms with it, accepted my situation.
I had been suicidally depressed and was still depressed then. (Actually I was drinking on ADs)
...and that actually fits in with aggression and over reaction at you telling him what to do ...trying to control him - his illness is doing that anyway, maybe he is just so fed up of control...
Hopefully the hospital etc know if this is the problem and can help him with his mental health...
But stop ttc even if you don't leave straight away ...

So put up and shut up basically is what he is telling you.

He sounds like a petulant 14 year old boy.

Your family have to bail him out when he's fucked up again, sorry, but no way I'd be doing that.

And, he's happy to live off you when he's back in hospital and unable to work, what exactly are you getting from this relationship, it just sounds like a lot of hard work and misery for you.

Also, you want to have children. Do you want those children to be alcoholics?

He is going to drink himself into an early grave if he carries on like this. I don't know what I would do in your circumstances. I don't think it would be wise to bring children into this situation.

While you are figuring out what to do please please start using contraception. I know you haven't got pregnant so far but that doesn't mean you won't and this situation would be so much harder with a baby involved.

Please stop TTC. IF you think your relationship is hard now, it will be a million times worse trying to deal with babies/children.

I appreciate that this man obviously has his good points or you wouldn't have fallen in love with him. I'm assuming that he can be funny, generous, attentive and tender when the mood takes him. So can most people TBH. It's how we behave under stress that gives the measure of us. And he is clearly telling you that when it comes down to it, he will do precisely what he wants to do, regardless of the consequences and without a second thought about what you think or feel.

I wouldn't want to live with someone like that, let alone procreate with them.

Reading your post cannypenguin it struck so many chords with me.
I was in a similar situation myself a few years back and his responses and attitude are text book in my humble opinion.

"I'm a man I'll do what I want"......or variations on a theme I heard over and over and the almost 50's arrogant way of thinking in hindsight was laughable in this day and age.

I spent years doing what you say you don't want to spend your life doing...."feeling on edge"
In my case it then progressed to finding ways of stopping him going out for fear of him drinking....clock watching and calculating how long he had been out to determine how many drinks he may have had and how drunk he would be.....constantly looking out of the window for his return etc etc.

I like you thought I was being melodramatic with regards to my ex husbands drinking and having lived through 18 years of it believe me it is in no way trivial.
Mumsnet helped me realise this over time ...yes it took a while but I had children who were still quite young at that point and it was for that reason in the end that I knew I had to leave.

All I can say is it won't be throwing away 6 years of your life...look at it more as how happy you could be in the next 6 years!

One thing is true...so clichéd but a person has got to want to give up drinking....and there is no half way house..like educating yourself and only having a few drinks..a drink is a drink!

I know from bitter experience....it took my ex husband to hear it from a Doctor that he had to give up drinking or he would be dead at some point soon!
Which he did....he gave up drinking .....but not until after I left with our 2 children and even that didn't spur him on to give it up.
Took him 2 years to do so!

So at the end of the day it wasn't for me and the children that he stopped but for himself.

If you need any more convincing, Cannypenguin, think of it like this - all the while you stay with this self-destructive person who has no respect for himself, let alone you, you are preventing yourself finding a partner who does have respect for both himself AND you. Why waste any more time on this recalcitrant manchild who wants to be allowed to drink all your money away and kill himself into the bargain? Set yourself free to find a good partner and father for your children. :)

Hi, thank you for all your replies! Sorry for the late reply I've just got back from work, and sorry for everything you have all been through but thank you for sharing with me. I guess that's pretty unanimous then, I wasn't sure if I was overreacting as he thinks his behaviour is normal. I'm not sure he is an alcoholic he normally only has a drink once a week but he definitely has a problem with it.

Unlucky83 I think you have hit the nail on the head he tries to rebel against his diabetes and be what he deems to be "normal". His dad was a big drinker, 8-10 pints a night but died young. He seems to hero worship him in a way and aspire to be like that.

I know I need to leave it's just plucking up the courage to do it. It should be easy we have a rented house so could give notice, but I think I would just keep the house on anyway. I have a good job and my family are fantastic and would be there for me every step of the way. I keep worrying about stupid things like I have phone contracts in my name for him, his mother and brother which don't expire for almost two years, we also have a debt management plan and a large electric bill which I am worried he wouldn't pay and I don't want to be left with everything. I also would feel embarrassed that we have failed at our relationship, as I'm sure our mutual friends would find my reasons for leaving pathetic.

I know I couldn't bring a child into our relationship there will be no chance of that as I can't bear to be near him at the moment.

I'm going to sit down and have a serious chat with him tonight but you have all confirmed what I thought that's it's too late now, I need to make plans to move on.

Can you change the contracts to minimize your exposure?
I'm not even asking why they are in your name.

As you are not married I'm not sure you would have the same liabilities in terms of debt. Speak to someone like CAB about it. Unless everything is in your name, in which case I would be inclined to give notice to the LL and move out. You do need to clarify your legal position re debts first though. Good luck and don't worry about what mutual friends think, they haven't lived with him.

And you haven't failed. You have decided it's time to stop flogging a dead horse.

You have not failed here; he has.

In his case it looks like the alcoholism he has was learnt; not all that surprised really to see that his dad was also a big drinker (probably an alcoholic). If his drinking affects your life it is a big problem and not all of them by any means drink every day or end up on park benches. Many of them have women like you who take on the dual roles of enablers and codependent partner. This was really dead on its feet from the get go because of his alcoholism but he managed to sucker you in for five years. No more!!.

How did he manage to persuade you to take out phone contracts for his mother and brother?. You need legal advice re your tenancy, the debt management plan (who took that out anyway, that's a hugely expensive way to pay off debt) and the phone contracts.

Counselling for your own self in future would be invaluable.
I would look very closely at how you ended up in this situation in the first place and learn from the errors made along the way. You can never put yourself in such a crap position in life ever again, you are but 26 after all and he likely took advantage of both your youth and naivety. You do not want to be 27 and be in the same boat you are in now. You owe that much to yourself at the very least.

If people find your reasons for leaving pathetic, they are not your friends. You are not happy, that is a good reason to leave a relationship.

I had a colleague who rebelled against his haemophilia when he was young. He died.
Another also wasn't careful with his diabetes type 1 when he was young. He had a recent kidney transplant at 40.
Your OH is way past the rebellious age, particularly considering the times he's been to hospital and that he has a family.

You have given enough ultimatums. If you give one, it should be final.

You leaving him may well be the shock to the system that he needs. Hopefully, but don't hold your breath.

Meanwhile the difficulties of handling a separation must be much smaller than getting into debt because of his self inflicted stays in hospital and out of work. And witnessing his destructive behaviour.

It's good news that you don't have big financial ties like a house together, and whilst the mobile bills and debt management stuff is a pain, it's definitely not enough of a pain for you to stay with this waste of space!
With regards the mobiles, if any of them refuse to pay you, just ring and report them as lost. They'll block the SIMs and send you new ones. You'll still be paying for them, but they're not getting a free ride! Is there long to run on them?
Definitely speak to citizens advice re: joint debt. Good luck!

He is likely to have big internal resentment about his health problems.
If he won't get help about it he will drink himself into an early grave.

The thing is that once you are have a drink - or two it does effect your judgement...
I think the only thing your OH can do is not get into a situation where he might be tempted...it seems from what you have said he isn't drinking at home. And if he is in a social situation it is more difficult to say to no to a drink...
Is he getting any help from the hospital/GP?
I've done it, two other egs on this thread- it is very common. I would imagine that the hospital/GP is the best place for him to get help/advice - they will have seen this before. Not sure what they can do though. I think you need to get him to ask for help...sober and rationally I knew I was being an absolute fool. I don't know if I would have admitted that to anyone though ....
And it isn't rational - I can't explain ...it is your body 'doing' this to you - your body hurting you. You are attacking/fighting against yourself. It is selfish for those around you - but I never thought about someone finding me dead/my family etc etc ... and my friends didn't really understand how dangerous it was...they thought it was more like you shouldn't drink on antibiotics ...not life threatening.
My consultant was lovely (although she didn't know about the drinking) but I was difficult and we argued about something. I stopped going to see her then ran into a problem...I had to ask her for advice, I thought she would be angry - or maybe be 'I told you so' - but she was just said 'I'm really pleased you are here asking for help' ...

Will his mother/brother be able to talk any sense into him? Get him to get help...talk about how he feels etc
I do still think you have to leave though...unless he can sort himself out he will only hurt you ...