Scared my marriage is ending

[soconfusednow]

I've name changed for this post. I suppose I'd just like some advice. I'm so confused about my marriage. We just seem to be making each other unhappy but we have a two-year-old DD and I can't bear the thought of splitting up our family.

We've been together nearly ten years and married for almost three. We were love's young dream at the start and moved in very quickly. But in all honesty, I don't think that we should have got married. The warning signs were there.

He has a terrible temper and we've always had bad rows. Although he's never been violent, he's the sort of bloke who punches walls etc out of frustration. I sometimes find that I'm walking on egg shells around him.

We rarely have sex (initially we did but things soon petered out and he never wanted it). By some miracle, I got pregnant on our honeymoon and we now have a beautiful little girl. I feel as though I've spent the last two years in a fog as I had a touch of / anxiety and I've only recently started to feel like myself again. He was supportive when I was feeling down, which makes me feel even more guilty about the way I feel towards him now.

But the truth of it is that, now I can see clearly again, I'm scared that we're falling apart. Although he tells me that he loves me all the time, we (still) never have sex. He flies off the handle at the slightest thing. Tonight, he came in after having been drinking with colleagues and immediately flew into a temper when I disagreed with something he said. He threw the TV remote control at me, hitting my arm - it really hurt. When I told him that he shouldn't have done it, he started bringing up drunken misdemeanours I'd apparently committed when we'd first got together nearly ten years ago, as though that balanced it out.

I told him: 'I don't think we're right together any more' and he said that he had been thinking the same for the last few months.

Yet, five minutes earlier, we'd been talking about having another baby. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

He is a brilliant dad and our DD adores him but I'm not sure we can carry on like this.

There are worse and more embarrassing things than ending a marriage after 3 years...like sticking it out for much longer when you know deep down things won't change. Then again...you can leave when you are ready...you can change your mind any time you like and you don't have to stick to any promises you've made to your OH re 'I'd never leave you...I'll love you forever...I'll stay with you and work things out' etc. It's your one life...you choose.

Thank you. This thread has helped me see more clearly. We've now spoken about last night and he feels terrible. He's admitted that he feels very down about life in general and he feels bad for taking it out on me.
I suggested counselling and he wasn't against the idea.
But I am keeping an open mind about everything for now.

I think Woodcutter has a point...she has taken the 'I know he's a monster but he's my monster and the good times make up for the bad' option and seems to have her eyes open about this. I would warn you against expecting too much real change...short term, yes, but it will not be sustained if it's been the habit if a life time so far.

Good luck with everything and stay strong whatever you decide. Keep coming back to Mumsnet if you find it useful. I know it has been a godsend to me at times xx

Ah but he's not my monster. That's the point. He has been unspeakably badly behaved for a total of about 30 hours over the last 20 years. I don't expect anyone to be perfect. I don't expect anyone I live with to have no sign of temper at all, year in year out. I do expect the balance of behaviour to be firmly on the side of good.

My DH has been good to live with for 175,170 of the 175,200 hours I've known him. That's nearly 100%. From what the OP says, it doesn't sound as though the balance is tipped in favour of her having an overall happy marriage. But it's always worth checking before the LTB campaigners drown out all other voices.

Even if you do decide to leave, OP, I think you are approaching this really fairly. Seeing your OP as a person with lots of traits, good and bad, not demonising him. That's the way forward for a happy long term relationship, even if that relationship is only intermittent communication about your daughter as you share her upbringing from separate homes. You'll still need to retain some sort of relationship with him, and treating him fairly, seeking his good points will help in that, no doubt.

Well he's lovely, not, he sounds a nightmare to be around, does he just think you will stay and take all that abuse, sorry, but throwing a remote at you is physical violence, and yeah, I'm sure it did hurt, how sorry was he about that, not much I bet.

He sounds horrible, a man who has no control over his anger who lords it over you when he feels like it, I don't know how you can even find him attractive when he's carrying on like that. You don't even have sex, what's to love about him or the relationship?

"There are many facets to his personality".

You're right and you are seeing his abusive side; a side he does not reveal to anyone in the outside world. Abusers can be charm personified to those in the outside world. If he treated outsiders like this he would be arrested and charged; being his wife has made you his chosen victim of domestic abuse. And he has and will continue to escalate his behaviour.

And they're all "brilliant" dads as well; women in abusive situations often write that comment when they themselves can say nothing positive about their man. You've done that very thing.

Counselling for your own self would be adviseable because you need to be able to talk freely and without his influence. NO decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together anyway due to the abuse within the relationship.

soconfused I am struck by the many parallels between your situation and mine (as they were before I kicked him out - am not saying you should too, btw).

I have a job in which I am quite fulfilled - check
he has a job which he has done for years and hates but stayed to pay for the mortgage - check
he is miserable in his job - check
he is depressed - check - started antidepressants four years before our relationship ended - went to counselling, made no difference at all.....
he is angry - check
he is miserable - check (despite being on antidepressants - see what I'm getting at?)
I felt kinda like I should take more of the emotional slack since I was in a more fulfilling job/supported/encouraged him to look for new job/career change - check
when I was 7 months pregnant he suddenly became taken with the idea of moving so he could 'keep up' with his/our mates who he would compare us to. It made no sense practically/financially and I was in no 'mood' to house hunt. This irritated him immensely - check and he would get angry. The house was a particular theme that recurred over the years. He would angry and feel hard done by quite often about it because I refused to take on more debt. He would talk to friends about plans to extend the house, when we never had the money for that nor indeed any real plans. He would not even so much as open a bank statement let alone review our finances/budget or make the case for the feasibility of more borrowing.
He told me loved me after every time we had sex
He contributed precisely zero to family life. Would get miffed about having to look after the kids without me. He had many endearing qualities, very principled person, he would speak up for the despicable nature of assaults against women. He was the life and soul when we were with friends. He was an absolute hands-on-lovely dad - but only when out in public in view of friends/family. My life with him was miserable and I tried so hard for ten years to please him - he got more and more miserable. It was a hopeless situation. I am now out of that situation (asked him to leave last summer) and I am immeasurably happier.