Update- not sure if anyone will remember (Trigger Warning)

[CroissantsInMyPants]

My husband raped me (I can say that now!) and I came here looking for advice to see if I was overreacting. Lots of you lovely people gave me brilliant support. Thank you so much. I found the thread got very overwhelming and asked MNHQ to delete it. They made sure I was safe which I thought was brilliant too.

I'd decided that I didn't want to leave him and that I wanted him to get help. He's been getting counselling, cbt and been given medication by the gp.

However we've reached a point where we both know there's no going back. He's said this morning that he's going to leave. He's continuing the therapy etc and I do believe he's sorry etc.

Its so hard, I do still love him. Maybe I love the person he used to be. Its not going to be a clean break. We have dc's so we are going to be in each others lives which is probably going to be tough for a while.

I feel so much stronger and like him leaving is going to be the start of me building myself back up again.

Thank you all for being here.

You could also call Women's Aid if you want support.

Which service would be best in my situation? I don't want to be taking up time when someone else needs it etc

Both, you need the service they both offer and you're not taking up someone else's space. Get in touch with them, they offer different supports and wil help you cope with having been raped and the domestic abuse (I know both we're perpetrated by the same person but the effects will hit you differently as you come to terms with things). You're every bit as deserving as anyone else and they are set up to help people in your situation.

OP if it's any help, when I told my ( very loving and caring mum) about being raped 15 years previously she didn't respond at all how I imagined. She just sort of pretended I hadn't said it and never mentioned it again! Years later I went to counselling and the counsellor explained that sometimes people who are very close to the victim can't process it properly. That is they can't accept that something so terrible has happened to their child and they weren't able to do anything about it, so they pretend that they have misheard or it's a misunderstanding. I'm not defending your mum, and it sounds like you are following your own, sensible path, but shock does funny things to people. Try not to be hurt by it and have faith in your own choices.

My love, you need both services, and you're not taking away from anyone, call both, as and when you need it, ok? That's why they are there; to help you.

Thank you everyone. The support on here is wonderful.

I've sat and worked out finances. I'll be OK to stay in the house which is a massive relief. That is if the landlady will accept benefits but we've been good tennants and she seems pretty nice so its just a change of circumstances. I think dh seems to think that by June and with counseling I'll change my mind. He doesn't see that im making plans to have a very quick clean break in June. I'm not sure whether to make this clear to him or not?

He's a rapist and, from what you describe, he sounds unstable. I think you should take advice on how to get him out now. Realise you have practical reasons for targeting June but dangerous, unstable, violent men are not safe to share a house with.

It is quite possible that he will turn nasty if he thinks he's out the door anyway.
When you are ready to kick him out, be very careful, and prepare yourself for the possibility that he won't want to go.

I'm very much keeping out of his way. He knows I've told my mum (I've not told him about her shiy reaction) so I don't think he'd even dare to get nasty now that he knows I can tell people. After I pulled him up on the fake suicidal crap he's not tried it again. He admitted he did it to get me to stay and he didn't really think of how manipulative it was. I don't hate him. It's weird. I love him still. I think I always will. I just can't live with him anymore.

My mums reaction was terrible but she did point out that even after he's gone I'm still going to have to deal with what happened. I'm hoping rape crisis will be able to show me how.

Your mum's got such a sunny outlook on life, hasn't she?... Of course you'll have to deal with what's happened but I think you'll find it's easier to do that without him in your face. FWIW I also thought I would always love my exH against my better judgement. Turns out that, when they're not around, it's remarkably easy to forget they were ever anyone important to you.

I'm worried for the kids. Especially my DSD. She is so sensitive to change. I do the bulk of the childcare. Everyone's lives are going to be turned upside down. I hate this.

It's OK to be worried for the kids but all kinds of adult decisions have the potential to upset children. Everything from saying no to another ice-cream to moving house ... Children simply look for love, guidance and security. You're better placed to provide this when you are happy in your skin.

Of course you are worried about the children.
But ask yourself if he was, even is now.

My guess is that they will be ok if you are taking care of them.
The alternative for them, in the middle of an abusive marriage, wasn't that much better. Children get out damaged from such marriages. Many end up blaming the mothers who were the victims.

I also feel utterly pathetic but I'm also worrying about what people will think. I feel like such a failure. We've gone on for years about how happy we are and perfect together etc. There will also be an element of joy from the in laws as they've never liked me. His ex will also be pleased as fucking punch which will piss me off no end. The thought of everyone knowing and talking about us makes me unbelievably anxious.

I can't do this

Let your ex, his ex and the horrid in-laws stew in their pit of nastiness together. You will be well out of it, and so will your children.

What do I tell people?

People will say and think all kinds of things. You can't stop it. All you can do is have the courage of your convictions, do what is right for you and not let what others may or may not be thinking put you off course.

It's also OK to have doubts or be anxious or daunted by the future. This is a big decision, you're not taking it lightly, and it's normal to keep checking back that you're doing the right thing. He raped you. You're doing the right thing

You tell 'people' nothing at all beyond that it didn't work out. That's all they need know. Marriages fail all the time and most people are realistic enough to understand that. You select some individuals very carefully and tell them something nearer the truth. Has to be those you can trust, confide in and who you know will be supportive rather than - like your DM - trying to persuade you out of it.