Feeling hard done by

[waggledancer]

Am needing to get this off my chest cos i fear i will cause a row with my mum or my sister if i don't offload and calm down. Basically my problem is that i feel that my sister is getting much more from the family at the moment and after 4 months this is starting to get me down.

She had twins earlier this year and my mum has been with her every day since, except weekends, and has offered to be full time minder when my sister returns to work. I had my son 16months ago and didn't have half the support nor the offer of care. To be fair i didn't ask for either. My parents are giving a lot of financial support also. I know a lot of what i'm feeling stems from feeling somewhat neglected but that doesn't alter my feelings.

Just needed to offload, but any thoughts welcome

Is your sister a single parent by any chance? I know my sister was and she got far more help financial and otherwise from our parents. And I know it's not eay to hear, but 2 babies are so much more work than 1 and perhaps your parents feel like she can't cope, but maybe they felt that you could?

maybe they think you can cope better? i can sympathise with you though, same thing happens with my sis

She's had twins. I think they're more than twice the work of a single baby at this stage.

It might be that she has asked for help whereas you come across as more capable. Maybe you need to tell your mum you are feeling a bit left out but in a nice way, such as "Oh, it would be lovely to have you to help out with my DS1, (sister) is lucky to have you". She may be glad to be needed.

Yes, twins are more than double the work. Really hard going. Very little rest (much less than when you have one - when one cries it wakes the other one up etc).

I can understand you feeling a bit put out, but, I think you need to get it into perspective a little bit. Sorry.

but she should be a little more equal with you. looking after them while she goes back to work would annoy me.

She isn't a single parent and to be honest the twins aren't too bad sleep wise. One is breast fed the other has bottles. I know i have to just suck it up at the moment but it's still hard.

I don't feel i can really ask for anything now cos the pattern of helping out all week has been established and i feel my mum deserves her weekends as chil free as possible.

I know i come across as coping but with 3 kids, the elder two being teenagers who are driving me wild with bickering, a full time stressful job and the youngest only sleeping through recently i just feel worn down. This fuels the resentment and then i feel bad resenting them.

It really p**es me off that they have said they can't afford childcare, but they both smoke, so my mum will have two babies monday to friday which i think is a huge amount to take on

Are you sure it's not the resentment that your sister will get free childcare whilst you and your husband have to pay for yours? (it would rile me if I couldn't afford childcare myself)
Your mother must feel that she can cope with 2 babies from Monday to Friday though, or she wouldn't have offered to have them? Did she help you out with your 2 older children when they were small?

It's not the caring that bothers me it's the full time aspect of it. Mum did help me when the elder two were little, but she was 13 yrs younger then. She and my dad are supposed to be retired and travelling now, but that's on hold. I just see the situation as being all give on one side and all take on the other. It was suggested that part time childcare be considered but this went by the wayside, so we're talking 7.30-5.30 5 days a week. And as has been said twins are hard work. My mum is one who offers because she wants to help without always thinking stuff through, and on top of that my nan is getting on and is going to need care herself soon.

I do feel better though for just getting this all out of my system. Sibling rivalry never really goes away does it?

is it possible that your parents think you dont need/want as much support?

I say this because I was in such a situation - my SIL needed & showed she needed more suppiort & therefore got it
I am the "coper" and so am treated thus....

if you need help too, ask for it
sometimes parents sont like to butt in

We don't do stuff like discussing feelings in my family (shudders at the thought). I really think that when i get the others back to school/college i will feel better. The worst of it is that it restricts my options, cos my mum is my only overnight babysitter, and i don't want to ask when she's been chilminding all week. Will simmer quietly on and off, and the bad feelings should lie down and die at some point. Really i just need a break and want someone to recognise this without having to point it out (so no break anytime soon )

why dont you ask if she can babysit overnight for you in a in a couple of months? (give her lots of notice) so you're not just dropping it on her suddenly that you still need her help occasonally. just because shes giving alot of help to your sister doesnt mean she's taken your share and you shouldnt get any help.

Just to say thanks for helping last night. I have put things in to perspective a bit, although sibling rivalry will persist i think. Had a good chat with my sis earlier and cleared the air. Husband has booked us a weekend away in a very swish hotel in Edinburgh in December so have something lovely to look forward to.