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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this just revenge?

24 replies

Mummy321 · 18/03/2014 23:20

I have posted sporadically over the past 13 months. Briefly, I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship 3 months ago.

I've found out so much since about him. its amazing what people tell you... He makes me sick. also he has not made an effort to see our baby since the split- he's missed half her life.

I am angry. I want him to feel the hurt i feel, as i know he is out spending lots of money on cheap women and drink etc. But it's more than that. I feel the need to warn the next woman. I also don't want any more siblings for my baby (it turns out he walked out on ex when she was pregnant- not what he told me).

I have blocked him on FB but am still able to track him (punishment, I know). I want to email all his friends, partly to get message out to all potential future partners, and also to tell my side- I know he will have made up terrible stories about me, as he did with his ex.

There are other things, eg I could report him for benefits fraud. Is that just revenge?

What do you think? I am motivated to do something, I just worry it might backfire?

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:

eightandthreequarters · 18/03/2014 23:24

You already know that the best revenge is to move on with your life and forget him, right?

And, yes, anything you do could backfire. The best possible outcome from that relationship is that he makes no attempt to interfere with your DD's life. He hasn't thus far - so don't invite him back in.

Kleptronic · 18/03/2014 23:27

Step away from the revenge. You are spending your precious time and energy and brain space on a hopeless case and no good can come from it for you.

It is very hard (I know!) but try to disengage completely, no cyber antics, nothing, step away from the loser!

Original poster

Mummy321 · 18/03/2014 23:30

Yes I guess so.

But is it right to sit by and let some other woman make the same dreadful mistake? He's manipulative and a sponger.

I have an idea who he latest lady is... I doubt she even knows that when they got together he had a partner and baby

What about the preventing more siblings??? Sounds crazy but I don't think it's right!

OP posts:

BeforeAndAfter · 19/03/2014 00:28

A dignified silence will serve your best interests.

Cast your mind back to the heady days when you got together and he could do no wrong. He tells you his ex is crazy and drove him away. She turns up ranting at you not to have his children because he's awful and neglectful etc. you look at him and know that it will be different for the two of you because it's all so special... You can't win and you will push her closer to him.

As for reporting any dodgy stuff, don't. You could be implicated in a crime if you let things happen for yonks without saying a word.

BeCool · 19/03/2014 00:55

You can't prevent him having children.

Move on.

Roshbegosh · 19/03/2014 01:02

I would report the benefit fraud.

The women won't be put off, they will just think you are bitter. Maybe they will have the sense not to pop another baby out. I know it must be painful but you must move on. Force yourself.

ItsSpringBaby · 19/03/2014 01:40

You are coming from a place of hurt and anger, and despite trying to justify this revenge it will get you nowhere. I know because I've been there.

You cannot 'warn' other women and prevent future pregnancies. His friends are not likely to be influenced by any messages you send, and very often it has quite the opposite effect - making you look like a crazy bitter ex.

The best and only way forward is for you to accept past events, accept he is a low-life and not seeing his child is his loss! Work on your own life/future now, and forget him. If not it will consume you.

He is not worth it!

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/03/2014 09:01

Hi op

Been there and done it, he re married and had more kids, she didn't take any notice of me, but I know she wishes she had.
I can't say anymore then that for fear of outing myself, I should have listened to his own family and I didn't, more fool me but hey I was young and in love and he was misunderstood .

These guys don't change and we need them so that when we walk away from them we know what a decent bloke and relationship looks like next time.

Your the one that got away put the bunting out have some and some allow yourself a smug feeling of satisfaction, you've event it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/03/2014 09:18

Definitely report the benefit fraud because that's a criminal offence and any history you have together is irrelevant. But walk away otherwise. Revenge is rarely satisfactory and, if anything, you end up looking like some kind of obsessive weirdo. He's never going to feel the hurt you feel.

LavenderGreen14 · 19/03/2014 09:34

I would report the benefit fraud - but I agree no point trying to warn anyone about him, it will only be twisted and used against you. So sorry you are feeling so bad - it is horrid, and I totally get that you want justice and you want to be heard. The truth has a way of working its way out eventually.

MostWicked · 19/03/2014 09:42

If you know he is committing benefit fraud, then by all means, report it, but if you are just trying to cause him grief, please don't, the benefit office staff have enough real cases to deal with.

Your wish to warn other women, is not driven out of care for these women (you don't even know them), it is out of bitterness for your ex and your desire to ensure that he cannot have another partner, and bitterness is all that will come across. Other women will see you as a nutter.

You cannot stop him from having other children.

There is no good that can come out of any form of revenge. It will all back fire on you. Move on and enjoy the rest of your life.

LavenderGreen14 · 19/03/2014 10:04

oh and if you haven't already, please look at the Freedom Programme, you can even do it online for free if you wish HERE

Original poster

Mummy321 · 19/03/2014 13:52

Thanks all. I have all this bubbling inside, run ragged being a single mum and dealing with the betrayal etc, while he is off without a care in the world. Makes me soooo cross. I get no money, while he has gone on holiday and spent thousands.

I know walking away is best. He is not a nice man, and (at least now) would only be negative in DDs life. If I did this (contact his friends) he might jump into action and try see her.

It got so bad that the court ordered an emergency injunction (non molestation order) that he stays away from me and doesn't contact me (he has route to contact re DD, but has not used it). I think his future partners should know !..... But you're right, it's probably because I don't want him to have a glimpse of happiness. But I do also feel that I am thinking this way re no more siblings for DDs sake.... He has kids and deserts them.

I do wish looking back, that his ex has contacted me. I am in touch with her (hopefully we can build a relationship for our kids, by this man) and she says she thought about it. I wish she had!

I'll have a look at freedom programme- I think someone mentioned that on my post re leaving, but I didn't have energy to look at that then. Will do now.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/03/2014 13:55

You wouldn't have believed his ex any more than his future partners would believe you. That's how these men operate. They tell the next girlfriend that they're lovely... not like that crazy woman I used to be with... and they're flattered. Some even see it as a source of pride that they've tamed him... Try to warn them off and it just confirms to them that you are a crazy woman

BadLad · 20/03/2014 05:07

Presumably you would be furious if he got in touch with men you might date in future to warn them about you.

You would be similarly out of order to do that to him.

innisglas · 20/03/2014 05:16

Whatever you do, don't do anything that would be against your principles. If the benefits fraud was ok when you were together, then leave it, unless your principles have changed.

Congratulate yourself on getting out when you did and that he is not interested in the baby, his loss. You really are fortunate, you have a beautiful child that you would never like to give back.

Lweji · 20/03/2014 05:24

I might report the fraud if I was applying for CSA and my baby wasn't getting any money from him because of that.

As for his friends, I'd give them a wide berth.
And his girlfriends, if I was contacted then I'd tell the truth, but I wouldn't go and tell them. Most likely you wouldn't be believed.

Original poster

Mummy321 · 21/03/2014 12:05

The fraud was not when we were together, it's since.

Bad lad, I understand what you are saying and I by no means am saying I am perfect, but he really wouldn't have much to warn future partners about me, except I became a doormat, did anything to make him happy and give in if worn down enough.... On the other hand he is aggressive with serious issues, and has kids and abandons them. I'm not just saying " he cheated on me" (which he did), I'm saying seriously watch out, this man is dangerous....

I understand the point about these women not believing me, cogito.... But people have approached me since the split to tell me stuff (too little too late!) and although initially I said "not interested" when they pressed it and told me stuff they would never have otherwise known, I listened to what else they had to say. Does that make sense?

OP posts:

FabULouse · 21/03/2014 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Mummy321 · 21/03/2014 12:23

Yes, I was feeling so strong when I said "enough" and he left. It was so much better in house, atmosphere lifted immediately and I felt free. Then a couple of weeks later I found out about the cheating (from someone I never met) and it floored me (I never believed he would do that), physically and emotionally. But I am glad I know, means I will never never go back there.

Nothing more can shock me. I think ! So in that sense I am not finding out any more...

OP posts:

Kaluki · 21/03/2014 12:27

Walk away. There is nothing you can do to prevent future women from getting hurt by him or to prevent further children being born (mores the pity!)
If there is a NMO and you do something to provoke a reaction from him you run the risk of him breaking it and retaliating. Don't stir up trouble now you have got rid of him.
Move on and focus on your baby.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/03/2014 12:42

It makes sense because, post split, you're bound to be more receptive. Early days you'd have had no interest whatsoever.

Original poster

Mummy321 · 21/03/2014 12:57

He's already broken the NMO (12 days in!) and been charged.

I know you are all right to walk away. I just have a sense of duty to warn/prevent siblings as far as possible, and get some sort of revenge.... (Which you're right is probably the overriding emotional motivation).

OP posts:

BadLad · 21/03/2014 13:16

I appreciate that he is probably much nastier than you. But once you have split up, his relationships with people you aren't acquainted with are nothing to do with you. He is entitled to try to live his life.

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