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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Family battles over possessions

39 replies

Edenviolet · 18/03/2014 22:03

What do you do when you feel completely stuck in the middle?

DM and dsis have a long standing battle raging over some jewellery and in recent weeks it has reached fever pitch and both of them are unhappy. I'm completely stuck in the middle but have told both of them I can't and won't get involved. I'm sick of hearing about it but they won't stop fighting.

Do things like this ever get resolved? If I hear the words rings or earrings one more time I may scream!
The jewellery belonged to my late step grandmother and was given to DM. It is all either too small for her or not her style but she got it valued and just kept it.
Dsis asked for one of the rings as she wanted it, DM initially kept saying no but after many arguments DM I think threw it at her. Dsis would now like the matching items but DM has said no. Dsis keeps trying to find the jewellery when DM is at work but can't.
DM has told me she has hidden it but won't say where so that dsis can't pressure anybody to tell her where it is.

On a daily basis there are arguments about it and its really really irritating.

OP posts:

Original poster

Edenviolet · 19/03/2014 18:01

It is a shame but not the end of the world. I'd ideally like the bits and bobs back but I'm not going to go begging to DM. I just keep telling myself that its not the 'stuff' that is important it is the fact SGM liked me enough to give them to me.

OP posts:

CiderwithBuda · 19/03/2014 18:13

Well I think they are both being unreasonable really. And maybe your mother slightly more unreasonable. If she liked and wore the jewelery it would be one thing or even if she had sold them but to just keep them when she knows her dd would like them and appreciate them seems mean. But they are hers to do with what she likes. She is being really unreasonable about the things you were given though. She isn't coming out of this very well.

mercibucket · 19/03/2014 18:22

well it probably wasnt very nice of your stepgm to only send things to you either so it sounds like a lot of unhealthy behaviour around gifts and possessions goes back a few generations

cozietoesie · 19/03/2014 18:31

No - it's not the end of the world.

As a thought. I had this happen to me when a close relative died. They had had a particular book which I would have treasured due to the memories it would have brought back of that person and their relationship with me when I was younger.

Unfortunately, it was skipped along with a whole shedload of other stuff - so what I did was sought out that book (found the correct edition on ebay as it happens) and bought it. It now sits on my shelf and stands as a great reminder of that relative. Overly sentimental, perhaps, but Hey Ho.

I'd be tempted to withdraw from both of them, as I said before. It sounds as if your Mum is trying to keep you reeled in, partly by virtue of hostage holding - both of the books etc and of your perceived obligations to the family via the jewellery and your sister. That's not healthy.

What are she and your sister like in other aspects of their lives? Are they your only close family? I'd cast your mind over their other behaviour over the years - because I'm sure there will be clues there.

NMFP · 19/03/2014 19:37

I agree this sounds like there have been unhealthy dynamics for a while.

I'd tell your sister to stop hassling your mum. Setting aside the fact that is crass behaviour, its giving your mum plenty to enjoy feeling aggrieved about and its upsetting for you.

Nomama · 19/03/2014 19:57

I'm a bit of a cow so I would probably confront both of them. I did when MIL died and DHs siblings went into a possession frenzy.

Sis first. Get the ring from her. She has absolutely no right to it. She is acting like a spoiled and entitled brat. Tell her so. Tell her plainly and clearly. Take the ring (you need it for step2).

Mum next. Go and tell her you have 2 things to sort out with her.

Your GMs stuff that you were given that she is looking after. You are all grown up now and would like it back now.
Your sister was wrong and should not have taken the ring - no matter that it was thrown at her. Here, mum have it back.

Then sit there and wait.... and wait... and wait....

If you don't get your possessions back you can leave with a nice succinct sentence about being grown up, doing the right thing etc.

Then leave it alone. Refuse to be drawn. State clearly that you have made your position clear and the only person who is still in deficit is you.

On the other hand, if you can't imagine any of that actually happening, tell them both to grow up. Tell them that you can't take sides as you think they are both wrong.

But your sister is extraordinarily wrong. Unnervingly so!

Original poster

Edenviolet · 19/03/2014 20:27

Hey just argue now constantly. Dsis used to be the 'favourite' until she moved out 'abandoning' DM.
The whole situation is ridiculous, petty and draining. They have been arguing about the curtains that were in dsis old room too as dmwantsthem and dsis said no! Huge, huge row about that apparently today but I didn't reply to the text and I won't be as then I get phone calls if I acknowledge anything.

I wonder if my dcs will fight over my argos ring one day?!!!!

OP posts:

firesidechat · 19/03/2014 20:32

I like Nomama's advice. Firm, but fair.

TalkinPeace · 19/03/2014 20:34

Hedgehog80
You started a different AIBU thread the other day about how horrible your mum was to you as a kid
why do you persist in even talking to these people?
get on with your own life and leave them to stew

cozietoesie · 19/03/2014 20:34

Hedgehog

How long has all of this been going on for in one form or another? People don't usually turn on a sixpence to bear such animosity to others all of a sudden. Is your father still alive and living with your Mum?

(And I'd actually turn off my phone and/or get a new number. I think you're quite right not to get involved again - it will just be another round of '...and do you know what she said then?......and......and.........'.)

cozietoesie · 19/03/2014 20:35

Ah. X post - I didn't see that AIBU thread.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 19/03/2014 20:39

My dad left when I was 13. He moved away in 2011 to Devon so I don't see him much. He didnt have a great time either and was ill through stress when he lived at home.

It has always been difficult to say the least. That's why lately I have started to ignore texts and calls. Feel much better for it too.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 19/03/2014 20:43

I'd sever ties then. You have your own life to lead and happiness to seek - you don't need to be dragged down and into their machinations.

Doratheexplorersboots · 19/03/2014 20:58

No wonder you find it draining hedgehog, you sound very sensible and nice and..well..your DM and DSis sound ahem challenging (putting it in the politest way I could say it, they are your family after all).
Don't get involved, as others have mentioned, it sounds incredibly unhealthy and downright toxic, they should be ashamed..though I have to say I think your mum's behaviour is worse..why cling onto the bits and bobs when they mean something to you (and possibly DSis) that's just mean.
Good luck x

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