Husband making plans to leave, now changed his mind. What now?

[flanneryann]

A bit of back story to this. My DH of 7 years lost a parent almost a year ago to the day in a sudden and very traumatic way. He has seemed to have coped better than anyone could have imagined. Almost too well I think. I have been convinced that he is holding it all in and that the worst is still to come. I have been as supportive as I can, although its hard to get him to open up.

Anyway in the run up to this first year anniversary of the death, he has been very moody and quick to fly into a temper. He had an argument with my parents over something really silly which left him shouting and being told to leave their house by my father.

The next day he sat me down and asked me where we should go from here. He then admitted he has been looking for flats locally so he can leave but still be near the kids. I asked if there was anyone else and I truly believe him when he says there isn't. I was so shocked and upset.
In the middle of the night he heard me sobbing next to him and said that he doesn't really want to leave me, its just that things are not right between us. He then admitted yesterday that he didn't realise how much the anniversary of the death would mess him up and that he thinks he is just all over the place because of this. He has said he really wants to work things out with us.

We have had issues in our relationship mostly to do with me being critical of him and making him feel henpecked. We are the average couple in many ways I guess. We bicker and argue over how much we have to do and sometimes the resentment seeps in on both sides. Also we have mismatched sex drives with me being disinterested due to being so shattered with looking after 2 small kids.

The trouble is he said some really hurtful things and now I just don't know if he is staying because he feels sorry for me, or whether he really is just struggling so much with grief.

I would really love some advice or just someone to say they have been in a similar position. I feel so lost and frightened.

It's very important to remember that while some of your H's behaviour may be due to his bereavement, you matter, too. Don't let your marriage become all about him, his moods, his needs, his choices. And if you feel it would be helpful to talk to a counsellor or professional yourself, go and do this whether H likes it or not.
Also, you need to set some boundaries - if he can't manage to be civil to you, or if there is any physical aggression, he should be made to leave the house for a while, at least.

Put yourself in your childrens shoes.
When they are grown up and struggling.
Would you want them to come to you for help and support?
Of course you would. You want to be there for your kids for their whole lives.
If you want to speak to your mum, I'm sure she is ready to listen and support you.
If my child was suffering like this and didn't feel she could come to me, I would be mortified.
Speak to her. She'll be pleased you did.

By saying it you are reinforcing there is a stigma about mental health issues, and keeping quiet, you are perpetuating the disgraceful opinion of MH being something to be ashamed of.

Op..
Have to agree with baker girl - by yours and your Dhs actions you are perpetuating the idea that MH issues are something to be ashamed about.

I agree with SGB, it's all him, him, him, what about you, you're not selfish at all, you sound extremely tolerant under the circs. I don't know what his problem is but until he actually admits and tells you what is going on, there's not much you can do.

Planning on leaving the relationship and looking for flats behind your back is pretty nasty behaviour actually, nothing to do with MH issues.

Are you 100% there hasn't or isn't OW involved here, being moody, angry, flying off the handle and then guilty are all scripted re an affair of some sort, I don't know, have you noticed anything that could imply this?

You should at least give yourself RL support, you're having to deal with a lot and yes, you need boundaries, you can't just let him hold all the cards.

Sorry I might be completely wrong about OW, I just think you need to at least consider it.

I don't believe that if a man is acting in this way that I should automatically assume he is having an affair. Not to say that I haven't considered the possibility. I don't really think he has had the opportunity, or the mental strength to embark on an affair with another woman in the last year.

That was the first thing I asked him when he told me he was thinking of leaving and he strenuously denied it and seemed a little annoyed that I could even suggest it. That in itself is probably a red flag to some people. I don't think anyone should trust their spouses 100%. Who knows if in a couple of weeks time I will be back on here asking for advice because my husband has another woman. At the moment I can only assume its not the case.
Its all very well saying that we are perpetuating wrong attitudes to MH but when its you that has to live with the fallout its a different matter.

LBZT has hit the nail on the head with her post. It is extremely hard to live with someone suffering with depression, especially when they are reluctant to seek help.

I don't either flanneryann, I was just putting it in there as a possibility, you're completely dismissed that so that at least is good.

And yes, I agree, easy for us to sit and judge, try living with it, different story.

Ahem, it isn't "all very well...." and how do you know we aren't living with depression ourselves.

You are very angry and defensive sounding. What actually is it you want?

Flannery..with all due respect, I have nursed my mother through 2 breakdowns.
I know plenty about depression, believe me.
And if someone is unwilling to seek help there is very little you can do.

Well for a start FabBakerGir,l not be held responsible for the attitudes of the general public about MH. I speak with a lot of personal experience of depression too. Enough to know that whilst telling everyone might work for some, it doesn't suit everyone. I have assessed my own situation to be that I don't want my mother to know.

And yes Badvoc, unfortunately you are right about that.

What does anybody posting on here want? Some advice and support I expect.

Every time someone says there is a stigma about anything they carry it on.

I think perhaps you need to start protecting yourself and your dc from his issues and potential fall out.
I know that sounds harsh, but someone who admits they have mh issues and is having suicidal thoughts but yet refuses to seek help...well...what can you do?
Maybe him moving out for a while could be a good thing/not as bad as you think?
Give you both some space?
Living with someone with depression is exhausting. You need to be thinking about your own health too.

Right, after a really rough few days I am finally seeking some counselling for myself. I just wish it wasn't so expensive!
I am walking around in a daze. I feel uneasy and unsettled. I feel angry at what Dh is putting on me and the fact that he is swearing me to secrecy. I can't talk to my family because he was explicit that he doesn't want anyone to know about his depression.
The only person he is confiding in is me which is putting me under a lot of strain. I have 2 smalls to look after too and I need to make sure I am strong for them. I feel incredibly angry that he said he thought he should leave us. Its like a delayed reaction. In the beginning all I felt for him was love and was so desperate for him to stay. Now I am recalling the horrible things he said and I am finding it hard to forget them.