I can't believe what I've just been told.

[akaWisey]

He is like a big brother to me, a pseudo-dad to my DD and his DP is really inspirational woman in so many ways. I have always held him up as the model of the kind of man I'd want to have a relationship with because he is direct, straight-down-the-line with people.

Until 10 minutes ago when a mutual friend told me he's been having an affair and has left DP. I wondered why I hadn't heard from either of them and they'd cancelled plans we made only a couple of weeks ago and didn't get back to me - unusual. I can't believe it, I really can't and I don't know what to do. They were the first people I turned to when I discovered my ex's affairs and they were brilliant. Now it's happened to them

I love them both. I'm furious with him. Mutual friend said there's two sides to every story which just made me even more upset for his DP, my friend. Mutual friend said "ring X and he'll tell you how it is himself" but I can't. I can just imagine my X sidling up to my friend to offer a bit of 'support' and it makes me want to heave. This is not about me, this is about them, but what do I do?

I'm sorry to hear this.

Although, nothing has happened to them. He has made a choice that has destroyed his family.

I think you need to support the DP in the first instance and your experience will really help her. Find out the story from her and go from there. There will be time to talk to pseudo-dad later and he won't hold it against you - generally men don't.

Oh and send her over to Mumsnet to start her own support thread ...

Yes, he did. He did indeed make a choice that destroyed a family. I can't believe he could do such a thing. He saw the devastation that my ex's affair wreaked on his family. How can he DO that?

His DP is lovely, I can't tell you how much I admire her. She uprooted her life to be with this man and made a raving success of it! How COULD he??

People make mistakes, do terrible things and cause horrible problems by acting selfishly or thoughtlessly. Just because they saw what happened to you it didn't make them immune from something similar. Obviously your sympathies are with the abandoned partner. Obviously there's going to be various versions of the story depending on who you talk to. IME the outwardly respectable type is no better than the dodgy sort when it comes to fancying a bit on the side.

I know what I'd do, support the partner left devastated by the affair. The cheater can go and get support from the ow can't he?

There are always two sides to any story and nobody knows what goes on between a couple. People do terrible things; it doesn't make them less of the person that you thought they were.

Affairs do cause damage, upset and inevitable change but, if both parents seek to minimise what is wrought on the children then it doesn't necessarily lead to 'devastation'.

For now, support your friend who is going through this horrible time. That's all you can do really. Think back to the words that helped you when you were going through it and use those to bring her any comfort that you can.

I've texted her. She said she's aware that I'm his friend too and that's a delicate situation for me. I don't see it like that so I'm going round to see her tomorrow.

I've obviously projected a lot onto him Cog and just couldn't ever imagine him doing that in any case - it's not like mine was the first marriage he'd seen break down in similar circs.

YY, I'll do that Lying take a more objective stance and just help in whatever way she wants me to. Thank you.

In my opinion, if a friend did a terrible thing ie. treated somebody like a piece of shit, it WOULD make me think less of them as a person and a part of my respect would go for them.

He has made a choice that has destroyed his family.

No doubt he would rationalise ending his marriage on the basis of his entitlement to happiness.

I think this is why I would find it difficult to bother with a new relationship if the current one ever ended: the fact that people nowadays don't fear censure if they do this. His story to others will just be "it didn't work out".

Be careful Aka. If you do go round there, let her talk. None of this "but he was so lovely, I cannot understand it" from you. She is still very raw. Just say something along the lines of you're very sorry to hear about it and if she wants a (non judgemental) shoulder to lean on, you are there for her.

Oh, I won't be doing any of the "he's so lovely" stuff because I've been sitting here thinking about it. I'm disgusted with him and I don't want to see him or speak to him - he'll know what I think of him without me having to say anything.

But you're right Death I also won't do the "he's a fucking twat" stuff either. She loves him and it won't help her to hear that.