Housework

[WhisperingShadow]

No idea how to deal with this because I have to bring it up every few months and now I m just pissed off.

Both DH and I work full time but I work condenced hours (full week in four days). I spend the fifth day with DD.

I appear also to do most of the housework, meal planning, food shop (online), morning routine with DD (I get to work het up because of the terrible twos).

When ever I bring it up with DH apparently I am in bad mood and that is why I mention it. Things pick up for a while then back to me doing and nagging.

I haven't done what I normally do over last 5 days as have an audit at work and need to focus on this, therefore the house is messy and unclean.

My DSSs (20 & 18) are here every other week and do nothing.

So pissed off and can't concentrate. Just sent DH an email listing what I do etc and just got the reply 'don't email me at work'. How do I tackle this?

What's wrong with being a bad guy? If being the good guy means you're treated like a doormat and your opinion is ignored, it's not working. As I tell DS when I have to get unpleasant.... we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Get tough... be the bad guy.... get some respect for once.

How did you get on whispering?

Do you think you could get him to read 'Wifework'?

Might save you the exhausting task of having to explain to him that proper grown ups pick up after themselves and perform simple everyday unavoidable tasks without having to be asked to by another adult. And they perform them properly, not in a half assed way that leaves the sink dirty and half the task left for someone else to finish off.

I absolutely agree that you need to identify all jobs, the frequency and the time is should take to complete each.

Then divy out those responsibilities, being careful to ensure everyone gets their share if things that need doing religiously and can't be left, as well as those things where it doesn't matter when they are done.

I say this because if everyone else gets the jobs that can be left, you'll still end up doing the bulk of the work, even if on paper the time needed for each persons tasks is equal.

In our house we share housework, laundry etc, OH is using up AL at the minute so has the next three weeks off meaning he's pretty much a house husband right now, when I'm off I do stuff so he can relax. We dint have kids yet so don't know how much that will change in the future.

Our main rule which might help you OP is that whoever cooks doesn't clean up after. With four adults in your house this should definitely be implemented! I hate washing up but also can't cook so have got used to it! Even when he manages to use every pan I see it as a fair deal! Get the Adults doing jobs! There's no excuse for them to be sitting around whilst you slave over them!

But why should the OP have to spend time making up a boring list of the bleedin obvious stuff that gets done in a house and then have to manage who does what?

I doubt that will help actually. Because I don't think the problem is that her DH doesn't know that meals get cooked, shopping gets done, toilets get cleaned and clothes washed.

The problem is his attitude to these tasks - that they don't concern him because he is a man and above doing them. Ergo he is better than his wife who is not above performing these tasks and performing his share for him.

Rotas, going on strike, etc IMHO only create more work for the woman and also legitimize the notion that household tasks are her domain to sort out and manage. It is pathetic for a grown adult to have to be asked by another adult to 'help' with the running of the house they live in, the cooking of the meals they eat, the washing of the clothes they wear.

And the DSS won't up their game until their father does. He is currently showing them that women are there to do domestic work. Nice.

I tried two cleaners. Both got caught out doing less than alloted time by about 40 mins. It is such a headache and I would have to sort it.

First world problems eh? And the doing the food shopping online must be so tiring

Tell DH he's being a lazy git and should help more. In person. Emailing him at work is annoying. And clingy. Don't put yourself in the wrong by nagging.

Good luck OP - sure this can be sorted with good communication.

Iveheard, the food shopping has a whole back story, so while it isn't a massive issue, trying to cope with a restrictive eating DSS, especially in his early teens, actually was bloody hard.

And yes this whole thread may be irrelevant for some people, I know, I am losing someone very close to me to lung cancer who I am scared is going to die while I have to frigging travel with work next week, but it is a problem and affects my life, so stop with this first world problem crap.

Ignore that post. I should like a bitch.

No I'm sorry for taking the p--- it just tickled me the way shopping had online in brackets. Sounds like you've got a lot on, and DH should be pulling his weight.

Thats OK.

So sorry to hear about your ill relative Whispering.

Online shopping is still a chore. It still needs someone to take the time to do it, plan the meals, balance the budget, etc. And why should it always be the same person who does it, who takes responsibility for the thinking and planning that goes into it?

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time of it Whispering.

I'd echo reading Wifework. It may help you explain things to your DH and DSSs in a way they can understand - that half of the problem is their "tell me what to do" stance; that what you need is for once not to be the person who has to notice that there's no milk/toilet roll left and that if it's not picked up on the way home... etc.

I don't think going on strike is the answer. I can almost guarantee that the house will turn to shit and you'll cave in long before anyone else.

I'd advise you to think hard about where your line in the sand is here. IME people rarely change. I know a few people who have read Wifework and had the conversation with their spouses. The good spouses - the ones who love their partners and have just failed to realise how much work goes into the planning of running a household, let alone the actual physical tasks - pull up their socks when they realise how unfair the balance has become. The bad ones simply don't care and don't see why a system that has perfectly well to date (for them) should change. It's about respect and IMO when you look past the surface in the latter type of relationship, you often see plenty of other signs of lack of respect.

Which leaves you with one question. Are you prepared to stay in the marriage with no change? Because if you are - and many people would so don't take this as a criticism of that choice - there really is little point in doing anything at all apart from finding a way to live with it.

Being a long-term single parent, I haven't had to deal with this myself - but I suspect my approach would be to assess what tasks I did for the other person that, if stopped, would have minimum impact on me - and give notice that if things didn't change, those things would stop. Likely to include laundry, clothes sorting, dinner cooking, getting in preferred foods, doing admin tasks - all withdrawn. I bet you'd be amazed if you sat down and listed all the little things you do, purely to help out/make life more comfortable for DP - and as it stands, he's not returning the compliment at all. Would that work for you?

^But why should the OP have to spend time making up a boring list of the bleedin obvious stuff that gets done in a house and then have to manage who does what?

I doubt that will help actually. Because I don't think the problem is that her DH doesn't know that meals get cooked, shopping gets done, toilets get cleaned and clothes washed. ^

There's a big difference between can't do/see what needs doing and 'won't'.

That's why a list is great. It lays down in black and white what needs doing and how often. Some people literally can't see what needs doing as it's not important to them. For instance, the windows are filthy, as is my car, because it's not important to me so I don't see them as needing doing. The hoovering is important to me so I see it needs doing and it gets done.

So having a list helps people who don't see what needs doing to know for sure what their responsibilities are. If they know and still don't care that their lack of action is an issue, then that's a whole more serious problem.

I'm going from being a SAHM for the past 13 years to training to go back to work. I'll be going down the list route with core responsibilities for each. We can't have definite responsibilies for everything in advance as sometimes one of us will be very very busy, other times not so. We don't have regular hours. The chores allocation needs to reflect that.

Oh yes online shopping is a piece of cake. You can even do it sitting down - why complain about that? (What about meal planning, being home for the delivery, unpacking the shop?)

Cleaning the toilet only takes 5 minutes. Why complain about that? (after all the magic pixies have supplied the cleaning fluid and toilet brush and it's such a pleasure to clean)

Washing up/loading the dishwasher doesn't take very long at all. Why complain about that? (pixies again delivering the dishwasher tabs)

Loading a washing machine - matter of seconds really. Why complain about that? (the pixies come along and hang it up, bring it in, fold it, put it away AND make sure there is washing stuff available).

FFS you can do the ironing in front of Eastenders - why complain about that? It's practically a holiday.

Wanting to live with people who actually contribute to their home, instead of expecting the woman to do it all for them because she is "obviously better qualified" to do so - why complain about that?

Ivehearditall I think you have spectacularly missed the point of this thread.

Typical morning.... i make breakfast for both kids. Get them both washed and dressed.

My parnter puts her makeup on and has a little moan

Typical evening.... i cook, wash up and dry up.

My partner sweeps the floor and has a little moan.

Typical sunday morning. My partner makes breakfast.

I wash up the vast amount of mess....

I then hoover and clean both bathrooms.

My partner does a bit of dusting and moans.

BeCool you sound like so much fun! Let's go for wine some time.
Chill out.

What about DP does all cooking, food shopping, washing up.

OP does all the other cleaning.

A retired friend has this arrangement - it would suit me.

Also No one sits down in the evening before the other.

maggiemight - that "no one sits down in the evening before the other" is spot on.
It used to drive me insane seeing my ex-P relaxing on the sofa, watching tv or generally chilling (occasionally under the pretext of "minding" the DC) while I was on my feet for hours more than him sorting out dinner etc. This even happened when I was heavily pregnant btw.
So unequal and unfair!
An earlier poster´s comment about underlying respect in the relationship is also spot-on and worth the OP probing. If they care for you and respect you they should be willing to listen to you and capable of finding a solution which works. Good luck.

Well he cleaned the house, oiled the work surfaces and has started on the big task of changing all 3 kids bedrooms around.

Will chat properly when stress of next week gone. I don't care picking up housework if he does the other jobs that need doing. The bedrooms are a big task. Think tiredness has slowed him down. DD doesn't sleep and worry over DSS finishing college with no plans or effort to find something after despite our encouragement.

I'll pass cheers Iveheard

Yeah but depends on your dh. My dh has a very high tolerance for dirt and mess and really and can leave dirty boxers and socks on the floor for days

So he pays for a cleaner instead.

Ha