I really don't know how to deal with this...

[Shellywelly1973]

Exdp & I split up in December. Been together 15 years. 4 dc. Baby is 6 weeks old. 2 ds , 5&9 have SNs. Dd is 12. Very limited contact with dc, his choice.

Exdp wants to try again. He came to visit last weekend. First time he's seen the baby, though I've emailed photos daily since she was born.

It was a difficult weekend for me. It was very strange.
I didn't feel comfortable at all. I feel sorry we've ended up where we are. I totally take responsibility for being a whinging demanding hormonal mad women leading to me asking him to leave.

He won't come to counselling. He doesn't see that he had any part to play in the relationship breaking down.

He's in a really bad way. I was really shocked by him . He's put on an enormous amount of weight. He's due to have major surgery in the next few months & needed to lose weight not put it on. He generally hasn't been looking after himself.

It's hideously hard being on my own. The boys are incredibly difficult. Ds9 is especially hard. I've no RL support. No family locally. Few friends. I have 2 grown up dc but they both.live over an hour away& see them about once a month.

I'm already back at work. Only a few hours a day but as I'm self employed I need to earn. I've actually managed to reduce my cases but it also means less money. Exdp hasn't worked since we split.

He wants to come home. Everyone will be happier if he does - except me. It would make sense in every respect. I'm really worried about him. If he doesn't come home, he has nothing. No family & few friends. His mum died 6 months ago. He will need to be looked after when he gas the operation. It's life threatening, it's been cancelled once as there was no ICU bed available.

I know what most will advise but do i make my decision knowing i will be the only person to be happy with my decision?

My decision will effect 4 dc & someone I care about - WWYD?

he simply wants someone to be his nursemaid post surgery

don't be a mug, love

this might be jumping to conclusions, but it sounds as though the decision to throw him out took a lot of strength, and the strength required to maintain your position whilst on the receiving end of strong pleas to return to the status quo feels like the straw that is breaking the camel's back, given your other stresses. resisting the pleas to go back to the status quo is taking up the last of your energy, so it feels like it will be easier to give in

short term, possibly. you won't be on the receiving end of guilt trips and other emotional blackmail-type techniques, but i worry that in the long term it will mean an additional burden that will break you

Shelly you poor thing, you've been through so much. Having 5 children myself with my husband of 15 years I'd say I understand some of the stresses you are going through. The stage you are at with the new baby you can't expect much more than just to cope for the time being. I think you should get him to come back and when things are a bit easier with the children make time for each other and work on your relationship then. Ours was held together by a very fine thread a some points over the last few years but now that the youngest is nearly four and we're all getting a lot more sleep etc everything is better. Let him help you through the hard part if he is willing and then decide how you feel about the relationship.

I'm thinking you may not see him for dust once he's recovered and then you'll have all the anguish all over again ... and the DC's fresh disappointment.

I don't even think the children would actually be happier.

I think you should re-read WillyWaggle first post.
Really, what did he bring to the relationship?
How did he contribute?
What will change?
From what he is saying he 'won't' do or 'won't' take responsibility for alone would be a no go.
If he was coming back begging and pleading and insisting things would be different and how he would improve things, then OK.
But he's not.
This is all still your fault and poor poor him!!
Really???
You don't need this.

At the risk of sounding harsh, someone taking responsibility for himself wouldn't have fucked off to Scotland. Particularly knowing that he has an operation coming up in London.

A responsible adult would have found a flat or a houseshare as local to you as he could manage, sorted out proper access with his children, and provided financial support.

Instead he's spent his time filling his stomach. Nice.

I also don't understand what he's doing in Scotland if the family home is in London. If he's been running a business in London surely that's where all his customers / clients are.
Agree he should have moved out and found somewhere to live near to his DCs not bloody miles away. Very strange.

Do you think that if he was prepared to go to counselling you might be able to find some happiness again in the relationship? If so, would it be a goer to say he could come back but only if he went to counselling and properly engaged?

Thanks. He called me earlier. I told him how I really felt. I don't want counselling. I love him but I don't really like him.

I don't want to give it another go. We've split up 3 times in the last 5 years.

He's not surprised. He will probably move back to Scotland pernamently.

The baby's upstairs screaming her head off. I need to go to the school in just over half an hour... I'm totally on my own with 4 kids, how the fuck have i ended up like this?

He's Scottish. He only moved to London after we met...

If he does move back to Scotland then so be it. He will still have responsibilities towards his children, of which financial support is just one.

You need to focus on getting practical support for you. Are there any groups for single parents, or parents of children with SN, local to you, for example?

And do you want to be based in London? Is there somewhere else you could be that might allow you to be better supported? Nearer your adult children, for example.

I have to stay in London for work & ds school. LAfunded private school.

Very common misconception that there's loads help for people with disabled dc....there's sod all! I work with SN educational settings so know the system inside out.

I have 2 weekends a month where ds has no care. He comes home at 4 pm on a Friday. I can't leave the house til he goes to school again at 8 am on the Monday. It's exhausting. He won't leave the house all weekend. Holidays are the same & as he's in an independent school he gets even longer holidays. Next time we're at Camhs I'm going to enquire about residential school. I think it would be better for all of us.

Ds5 isn't as needy & hes still in mainstream school but on reduced hours.

I will just get on with it- not much else can be done!

God, that's a tough situation to be in. I know it's not helpful to say it at this point, but this is probably the most tiring time, isn't it, with a very young baby? I know it'll still be difficult as he/she gets older, but at least when you can get into a routine and start to plan your time, things may get easier .

I wish I knew what to suggest that would be properly useful.