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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, told abusive H I'm divorcing him and he said ...

23 replies

januarycat · 17/03/2014 21:18

'Its not going to happen if it does, where will you live?' (day 1)
Day 2 (saturday) followed me around the house, hugging himself & telling me I will be homeless & childless.
Day 3 tells me he is tired of me - when will he get a letter from my lawyer. Says he is ill & not eating.

Please tell me what you think. My instincts say he is a master manipulater (& a nasty little man).
We have always lived in seperate houses, but he is here in the family home 4 days a week.

OP posts:
Catsmamma · 17/03/2014 21:19

well, when is he going to get a letter?

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 17/03/2014 21:19

Is the family home in joint names?

something2say · 17/03/2014 21:24

Try not to listen to him. It may weaken or scare you, for nothing.
Protect your precious docs and belongings from him hurting them.
I think he's bluffing and on the run, trying to scare you.
Avoid / ignore.
X

Original poster
januarycat · 17/03/2014 21:25

Sorry ..
Day 4 (today) - he advised me NOT to see a solicitor, because his financial situation is too complicated.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 17/03/2014 21:26

Stop engaging with him. Just stop. See a solicitor tomorrow and do not discuss it further.

Original poster
januarycat · 17/03/2014 21:26

Letter on friday

House in joint names.

OP posts:
Phalenopsis · 17/03/2014 21:26

Sorry ..
Day 4 (today) - he advised me NOT to see a solicitor, because his financial situation is too complicated.

Well he would say that wouldn't he?

Don't enter into any dialogue with him as he'll use it against you. Let the lawyers do the talking now.

NowLivingAbroad · 17/03/2014 21:27

Oh they all do that! My exH did this - yes, he was an emotionally abuser too. Get the divorce procedure underway. How does he know you will stay single and child-free?!

FabBakerGirl · 17/03/2014 21:28

I have read this before. Search and see what the advice was then.

And yes, he is a bullying manipulator. Don't accept his twattiness.

lisac99 · 17/03/2014 21:28

I would expect him to say all kinds of crazy things.

  1. You'll be homeless
  2. You'll not get any money from the house
  3. Noone else will want you
  4. It's all your fault and he's going to tell people you're crazy
  5. Etc etc etc

Anything he possibly can to control you.

I would suggest not listening to anything he says as it's only for shock and control. If you've been abused in the past and have stayed with him, he's no doubt assuming he can continue in that trend, therefore you standing up to him is not what he expected and as such, he's desperately searching for ways to make you back down.

It doesn't matter what he advised... that's his problem. I suggest you book a solicitor ASAP and get things sorted.

tribpot · 17/03/2014 21:30

I agree - stop engaging with him. What purpose does it serve anyway?

Original poster
januarycat · 17/03/2014 21:35

Sol appt on friday. BUT

He thinks he will move into our (me & DCs ) home & I will have to move out.

OP posts:
tribpot · 17/03/2014 21:43

I suggest you leave it to the professionals to explain to him why that is extremely unlikely to be the case. So you haven't seen a solicitor yet? Hence no letter on Friday? (I assume your post above is a typo and you meant appointment on Friday).

If you want to get a view on the legal side of divorce you can post in Legal Issues to help bolster your confidence before you meet with your solicitor. But essentially you just need to ignore what he's saying and go about your business.

Original poster
januarycat · 17/03/2014 21:50

Appt is to finalise letter to be sent to H re unreasonable behaviour. Have spent 3wks trying to get gp letter re DV

  • unsucessful.
OP posts:
MmeMorrible · 17/03/2014 22:50

But he doesn't actually live in the 'family home' so how could he expect you and DCs to move out and him in?? Does he or his family own the property? Sounds like he is clutching at straws and will say anything to scare you into inaction.

What legal steps are you taking? What is the solicitors letter for?

Theoldhag · 17/03/2014 23:30

I think that he needs to be told that any more of his harassing bullying ways and you will be contacting the police, infact I probably would go ahead and contact them anyway, he would find it most annoying if he had a restraining order slapped onto him. No more being in the family home abusing you and a file that can be added to and used in divorce proceedings.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2014 06:29

I think you should tell him not to come back to the 'family home' for the foreseeable future and arrange for the DCs to visit him at his place instead. Keep your home as your place of privacy for as long as possible. If he demands access or becomes aggressive, involve the police DV unit. Joint ownership does not permit bad behaviour. The financial settlement may change all of that in due course but there is nothing to be gained from him hanging around making threats etc short-term.

sussexman · 18/03/2014 06:36

Just (as a man) adding to the advice to see a Solicitor and to engage with him through them for at least a while. Apart from anything else if his/your financial arrangements are complicated you have more reason to use a solicitor rather than less.

Lweji · 18/03/2014 06:51

If you are worried he might get into your home, and there's been DV, change the locks now. Lose the keys, whatever to justify it.
And if the letter from the GP takes a long time, keep insisting with surgery.

And also strongly advising a solicitor.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 18/03/2014 08:55

I'm really surprised he hasn't said "I'll kill myself...." Give it time.....

Granville72 · 18/03/2014 11:17

I'm lost. You are married but always lived in separate houses? How does that work then and why has it been like that?

Sk002 · 18/03/2014 11:25

Don't listen. He is using various tactics trying to find the one that will work on you. A new life is yours if you stay strong.

LizSurly · 18/03/2014 11:31

Remind yourself you are leaving him BECAUSE OF THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOUR.

mY x the same, when I told him i was leaving he said "the hell you are".

Every step of the way he announced it was over his dead body, or over my dead body Shock but here i am, free now.

This is the toughest part. REALLY. Get through this and your reward is freedom.

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