I have let my DCs down

[verysadnow]

Sorry there is a bit of background here

My mum made a complete mess of my wedding day. She got drunk and told everyone how horrible I was and that I disappointed her as a daughter.
That was 15 years ago and I cut contact with her for it.

Anyway 9 years ago she came around begging me to give her a chance to be a mum and get to know her grand children. The amount of time we see her has built up over the years we now see her about twice a month either at hers or mine but still haven't let her have the DCs by herself because of our wobbly past.

So today she came around to drop off a book for one of the DCs. My 3 eldest were in the park and the youngest was in the garden. She asked where they were and when I told she asked if I would get them to see her and I said they were okay playing for a bit. As they had only just gone to play.
She was rather put out by this but let it go.

Then the DCs came running back saying the ice cream van was coming. I gave them money for me, them and the youngest DC. My mum said she didn't want anything. The DCs came back to the house with the ice cream and I told them to stay in and eat it and talk to my mum for a bit. Which they did. My youngest dropped his ice cream so I wiped it up and gave him mine. My mum said that I shouldn't give him mine so he would learn. I said it was an accident and it didn't matter. She sighed at me and changed the subject.

So half an hour later and the DCs friends came to call for them again. I said that they had to stay with us for another 10 minutes then they could go my mum said I may as well let them go now because she was leaving anyway. I said okay then the DCs left then she sat back down and muttered something about being under the thumb.

Then she noticed that I had a new ring on DH had 're-proposed' to me last week for our wedding anniversary so we can have the wedding we wanted with our DCs. I explained that we were renewing our vows and she said it was a waste of money and a stupid idea. I said that we wanted to do it with our DCs and she said it was because I spoilt the DCs (in front of my youngest) I said she was being silly and sent the youngest outside.

She said that I was a soft mother and I needed to toughen up. I told her I was just parenting my way. She said my way was wrong. I told her to leave now because I didn't want to argue. She said that my DH was too good for me anyway and she felt sorry for my children. "The ones that are mine" (referring to our adopted son who is of course a part of the family)

I told her to get out now and she moved to the door, I followed her out and she turned and slapped me. Then she grabbed her handbag and hit me around the face with it. I told her to go and never come back she stormed out swearing and shouting.

Then an hour ago she was standing outside she chucked rubbish all over my yard, our neighbours called the police before I did and she was arrested. My mum's partner called us and told us that it was my fault she was arrested because I am a massive disappointment.

I can't ever let her near my DCs again but I am still sad about it because I thought we were making progress. Now I have let my DCs down because I let them build a relationship with her and now they won't see her again.

You haven't let them down, you are doing what is needed to protect your family from what sounds like a vile and negative person. It's her loss. You gave her a second chance and it unfortunately hasn't worked out.

Explain very simply to your dc that their gran has upset you very much and that they won't be seeing her. I'm sorry you've had to experience that.

Oh poor you, and the DCs. Thought I'd share out experience with DH's dad and how we've dealt with it in the hope that knowing you aren't alone may make you feel a bit better and less guilty.

DH's parents split up when he was two. Years of bittercourt battles, emotional abuse (IMO, from what I've managed to piece together) and all sorts of nastiness followed, which I won't go into. We recently had a chat about him as he was keen to see the kids and DH thought he'd like to try again - water under the bridge etc. He behaved for a while but it's very clear that the water is still backed up in front of that bridge. We've had to cut contact again, for the third time in as many years. I was really worried about the effect it would have on the children as they genuinely liked seeing him, but they really are remarkable - they've taken everything in their stride and, although they haven't heard the full story, understand that we don't see him anymore because he has been mean. They are secure in the knowledge that they are surrounded by people who love them and it doesn't seem to have affected them at all. They don't mention him anymore. We're not prepared to let him into their lives again, as I'm sure the same would happen again.

At the same time, DH is happy in the knowledge that he gave his dad a few chances to have a relationship with his grandchildren. He extended the olive branch and I think his conscience is clear now. Look at it that way - you had to give her a chance really. She is their grandmother and they do have rights, obviously. But now you know she's thrown away her chance and she'll be the one with regrets one day. Draw a line under the whole thing and enjoy your special day. I'm sorry you're going through this - it's hard to understand why some people are the way they are.

You didn't let your children down, she did. Explain that she was mean and you're not going to see her because of it. It's a good lesso to learn for them, even if they do love her.

I hope you added the assault to the charges she's facing?

Oh dear we have had to tell the DCs earlier than I thought.
The rubbish she chucked had gone on my DDs stone snail which is kept in the garden and it's her pride and joy. And my youngest said that he had seen nanna do it.
I didn't even realise he had seen anything

I told the youngest that nanna had been mean and chucked the rubbish so we couldn't see her till she said sorry. Then DH took him out and I spoke th the other DCs in a bit more detail and answered their questions. They said they were sad but I think they understood why we couldn't see her.