Rekindling after childbirth

[littleraysofsunshine]

We have three children 3.5,22m and 6 weeks old. I feel awful as I just don't have the energy for intimacy, we don't get time either. We've been together for almost 8 years now. And I feel as though our relationship is not of a couple but just parents. We've both been tired and falling asleep with the kids early so no evenin time, dp works full time. Weekends we get family time on Sunday. But our time is zilch. The last time we spent a few hours child free was the week before Christmas, that was for a coffee. That was nice. It's the small things.

I just get so caught up in being a mum I forget myself. We both do I think. And poor dp said today, that's been three days that you haven't initiated a kiss. I have to come to you all the time.
I'm so worried that it's just fizzing out? Sex is the last thing on my mind at the minute but he does mention it. Intimacy isn't anything present as we just never seem to have time.

How can we keep our relationship alive?

Also I don't think it helps with the sex/intimacy is that I don't feel sexy at all or self confident at the minute. I feel like I have no mojo, and shouldn't do certain things as I'm now a mum! Even though I'm only 24! Help!

'Poor DP' needs to get real. You've got three children under 4, one a newborn, and it's going to take time to get all of them in a routine where you can create some space for yourselves. In the meantime he should stop 'mentioning' sex and kisses etc because it's only making you feel crap. Love is..... being kind to each other and doing thoughtful things for each other. NOT whining.

You have 3 young kids including a 6wk old SERIOUSLY forget about this for a whole and if dh is incapable of doing so then he's an arse!!

I'm the not kind one and moany one though. I take my tiredness out in him. Snap. Cry a lot. I just feel hormone/emotion overload some days (like today) where I said a maybe we we'd space. Which I dust mean at all. I just get upset about our imbalance and say things I doth mean.

I feel saddened deep within that we're not living at all at the minute other than a peck on the lips to greet one another. I want our kids to see how much we love each other. Not that were stressy, snappy and it's alien if we hug and kiss in front of them.
I'm going to see if we can go for a meal one evening and take ds and get dd's looked after by grannie. Us time.
He said earlier that he feels I've fallen out if live with him as I put my everything into our kids. Not In a horrible way, upset kind of way. That I rarely go near him, I know I need to work on making us time, but I just want to feel less tired! And then hopefully more me. When? Who knows

I think your being really unrealistic. 3 young dc - youngest only weeks old! Of course your exhausted.

Give yourself a break!

He's being really unkind. There are times in a family where you have to park personal needs, knuckle down for some crisis or other and put up with some short-term stress and snappiness. Partners show love in those situations by all rowing in together, showing consideration & patience, being supportive and acknowledging that it's a tough time that will pass. NOT dishing out heavy guilt-trips and making the other person feel rubbish!!! That's horrible behaviour. If he's so worried about this why isn't he organising the baby-sitting and meals out?

BTW... are the pair of you married?

Ok. So six weeks is early to leap back into full marital mode. But I hear what you are saying op and it sounds Iike you want to make time for you and your partner. So I think your idea if dinner etc sounds lovely and will do you both good. Maybe schedule it for a week or two when baby is a smidge older. Then have a lovely hour or so. Remember to have a cuddle and a kiss. Don't need to do more if you don't want to. But remind each other how nice it is to be touched by another adult! I mildly disagree wih the other posters. It is a truly hard phase (my youngest is 9weeks) but your dh/partner and yourself deserve to feel loved as well. Good luck and you will come out the other end of this phase!

The OP doesn't feel loved... They're being told they're a crap partner by someone who's making this all about him. Ridiculous

Of course you have no mojo and dont want sex. You have a newborn baby. Your body is still healing from giving birth. You are being massively unrealistic and hard on yourself.

Your partner should be helping and supporting you not whining like a spoilt brat.

You are young and so am assuming that he is too and therefore perhaps he is immature rather than just a twat. Is there no one in RL who could have a word with him? What about your HV?

If you yourself fancy a meal with your DP, are not breastfeeding and so can leave a young baby with competent babysitters, then why not?

But don't do it to placate a whining, unsupportive man child.,

Not married, been together nearly 8 wonderful years.

Thank you sesw.

He's not immature, I think he's the one feeling in loved as I just don't give him time. I see to the kids then time is short. We've been through so much and he is amazing. Works so hard and comes home to put up with my outbursts. I think I may have a bit of Pnd too?

He always compliments me when I'm putting myself down, reassuring me of my mum tum and broken muscles, he's the one wanting to do meals and other time puts but I just feel tired from breastfeeding a colic baby (I think) and not looking after myself so much. He says he just wants me to be happy, so if anything I feel bad for him in some ways as I'm an emotional mess most days. I find it hard to except help, and try to do it all. Which is silly. And yes, unrealistic.

Sorry if I've portrayed him in bad light. I just want to know how to still be in our happy living relationship Along with being a mum, allowing myself to be me, but I need to stop thinking it's the right time now with a nearly 7 week old.

Will definitely book a meal with dp in the next week or so. (With newborn as he's breastfed)

There you go! That sounds perfect. Just an hour to be slightly less milk smelling and weepy (am so there with you!). He is a good partner I am sure. From the sound of it you are doing an amazing job at juggling children and partner so just try and see your ray of sunshine in it all! Good luck x

It's just early and you are exhausted. Things will look better when you are stronger and more rested. You sound overwhelmed and it's no wonder. Take care of yourself, you love each other and this is just a phase you will get through like you have all the others.

Well we DTD last week. So uncomfortable on my part. Not enjoyable at all.

Bbt even without that we've just lost each other lately. I'm really upset writing this as it's just so up and down. My tiredness/ hormones I just take anything personally. I get angry over silly things, I snap and just take offence easy. I don't know what's wrong with me, /us! We use to just laugh things off but we hardly talk and if we do, we disagree on things.

It's like the love part is non existent. My heart aches that we're going through this. We've always made the efforts. But lately nothing. A peck on the cheek if that to say hello after work.

The 3.5 and 22mo are seeing us be moody at each other, and I have a short fuse so he'll remain calm and softly spoken when I get shitty and shout. Which makes me look fantastic to an impressionable three year old

I don't know where I started to feel like a miserable, stress pot.

Most days I'm great! But the days I'm not, little things tick me off, and not having an adult to talk to in the day and being around three kids under 3.5 it can be tough some days. And it can't just be me because any human would feel a bit brain frazzled. I use to be so chilled. I've had a lot go on the past few years good and bad (in other posts) but I got ,y life back, we shouldn't be wasting time arguing and disagreeing.

It's other things like he'll come home from work and start tidying, or put a wash on. But in my head I think he's saying I don't do bugger all all day. Sit and watch Jeremy Kyle of course. He doesn't say anything but sometimes it's as if he doesn't have to. Then he says well I try and help and it somehow makes you feel bad? I just think well I have to reheat my cup of tea four times in a morning, hold my wee all day and forget to eat, listen to moaning (on a bad day) and wait four days for a shower. This is why I feel moody some times.

He says maybe I need time away from them, do an evening job. And I said no, I need my business start up to be taken seriously then I could make a job out of it.

Sorry for the essay