He's leaving, it's what I wanted but I am weighed down with sad.

[goneanonymous]

What it says really. It's been a hard and horrible year and some things bring you together and others show you the cracks in a bright bright light. He is going this weekend and even though we cannot have him here, I cannot have him here, the fact that it has come to this is awful. I have tried, I have tried so SO hard but in the end someone has to change because they want to, you can't make them be a different person. Who knows, maybe this last final push will stop the drinking and falling down drunk and make him a thoughtful less selfish person but I can't see it happening. I have loved him so much and for so long. He has been loved so completely and he never realised or understood that it had to work both ways. What a fucking waste of 20 years that could have been awesome.

Just needed to put that all down, can't tell anyone in RL properly yet, it's just too much. People think we are an amazing couple. And we are not. were not.

so sorry hope u are ok

You know reading this lot of awesome women ^^ I am going to be fine. I am gutted for the lot of us but come Monday I am going to start a new life with a much tidier house and be in charge, with love and happiness for my gang and no one ignoring or just discounting what I say (well maybe the 7 year old but I'll let that slide. Occasionally )

Ibab I didn't say earlier but you sound like an amazing mother, well done (in a completely non patronising way!) you guys will be happy and the world will be so much easier without the randomness you must be living with.

Hissy you are amazing you know? Well done, I love the tidal wave analogy, I always think of the beach and sea when I am trying to make sense of things.

Your post rings so many similarities with my situation.

My ex left the week before Xmas (well he would say I chucked him out).. So I'm nearly 3 months down the line. It occupies most, not every, of my daily thoughts still- this Is progress!

I similarly am so sad, even though it was so bad when he left. Illogical, right? When he left a weight was lifted. I didnt have a highly dependent person to look after, I could focus on the kids. But I was so sad, particularly when I found out after he had been cheating on me (which I never thought he would have done) - it really floored me, which was so annoying as I had been doing so well for the first couple of weeks!

Similarly he was alcoholic and emotional abuser. And soooo lazy! It got much worse when I was pregnant last year- I posted here April 13 and the response I got from MN-ers was 'leave now'... But I couldn't give up my family, I wasn't ready to hear it (i have since updated my post so they know i am out of it!)I kept trying and trying, blaming myself, covering it up, Keeping it a secret. Typical co-alcoholic.

I have read a good book recently, a lot of which I think "that's me". It's called "women who love too much". It's definitely worth a read. I always focused on how great the future would be, how with my love and support he would get better and we would get to the happy ever after- I now know that this never happens in these situations

I put up with it for a long time. I could still 'stand it'. But I know now, I deserve better than the worst I can stand! And so do my kids.

I am not ease yet. I am angry and in shock still. It is difficult doing the parenting all myself (he has disappeared out of their lives, he has had a complete breakdown).

But I know I could have easily wasted so many more years. I'm glad I'm out!

I have written down messages for myself - this one might ring true to some of you

"Never let someone who contributes so little to a relationship, control so much of it"

Mummy321 LOVE that thought! I will keep that one in my head, both for future self, and for others here, I will credit you of course for that :D

goneanonymous i'm so glad my huge engulfing wave approaching is helpful.

I read Paulo Coelho's words 'the fear of separation is worse than the separation itself'

You know this has to happen for you to be free.

Yes it will hurt at the beginning, but without it life won't ever get any better.

You have to give up on the hope of him ever bucking his ideas up, that's hard, but it's the only thing you can do.

When you accept that you didn't cause this, you can't change it, you'll feel so much better.

If alcohol abuse is a factor in your decision to let this end, then you can get some support for you and your dc through al-anon. It's a charity set up for the families of alcoholics. You need to really take on board that none of any of this was your fault.

Keep posting, mumsnet was the only support I had in the beginning, and it's so amazingly helpful. I'm indebted. :D

goneaway, good on you. It is the right thing. Another one who has gone through similar with an alcoholic DP.

I did feel very sad, and actually still do- it's the loss of what could have been. All that potential for a good life. But, it was his choice really. Like you I tried so hard. I thought I could "cure" him, persuade him of the right path. It only really changed when I realised the only person who could do that was him.

Unbelievably... Soon after he moved out he became sober. I think it must have been the removal of the safety net. He realised there was literally no one who was keeping an eye in him but him. We won't get back together, but at least things are easier.

The kids are ok by the way. They love their dad, but understand our home is calmer with him not in it. I've been honest about his drinking to them. They saw it anyway, and I don't think it would have helped them for me to say "mum and dad don't get on", when that wasn't the whole truth. I guess it depends how mature they are what you tell em.

Also... One more thing. Are you sure you can't be honest with people in RL about why you're splitting up? One of the things for me was that it was a tremendous relief to be able to say (as and when appropriate), that we split because if the drinking. It was true. And it wasn't my secret to have to keep. Otherwise I would have been covering up. Something I did far too much of and which really ate into me.

Good luck. I am certain you're on the right path, despite the sadness. It's impossible to have a proper trusting relationship with an alcoholic. Like Diana said- there are 3 of you in the marriage, and one of you has to go.

Sorry, weekends are hectic with three of them home but also fun thanks for your post Squeegle that is just SO helpful to know. I would be so happy for him if he got sober, I could drink a hell of a lot less myself but then you don't see that when both of you are together. Well I do obviously but it will be such a relief to not have someone desperate to pour me a drink all the time because it validates the three he has to match it. I don't think I can say in RL what the problem is, it would undermine his job way too much and I honestly want him to get better and do well in life, I hold no malice I just don't want to live with him anymore! My children are amazing, I hadn't noticed until recently how much they seek me out and value my company, they turn to me for everything but are also helpful and lovely to me in return. They have none of that with their father, I do wonder how he has never noticed that.

goneaway another here who booted her selfish, alcoholic, EA ass of a partner out 2 weeks before Xmas. We had also been together for 20 years. It was hard at first, did a lot of crying and posting on here BUT now I am beginning to find happiness I enjoy time on my own, house is a lot calmer and the relatonship with X and DS seems to be better. He was horrible to him but think he is beginning to realise what an ass he has been a ruined everything. It will be tough gone but each day you were grow stronger, you will be surprised how many people in RL probably do not think you were the perfec couple and if they do don't be afraid to put them right, it is very liberating. Keep posting

Ooof, well he's gone. Children seem unfazed for now, my house is already a ton more organised, gosh, well, here we go then

Hello, did you change your name, or did I get it wrong last time? Yes here you go! Good luck. Hopefully you'll find it better rather than worse than expected.
I found it helpful not to focus on nostalgically recalling happy times, but recalling horrible occasions when he was a git to me and I was dying for him to leave. That made it all much easier!

Can't really remember any happy times tbh, it's been a long time since he was a good husband. Hopefully I will recall a few eventually! We do make awesome children biased so I am focusing on that right now . goneaway, goneanonymous, call me what you like, nothing like me on here anyway, I love that I can grab a new name and be honest as I can without people knowing who I am!

Has he gone far? Are you able to stop worrying about him. Sounds good to concentrate on yourself and the children. Agree this is a good place to be very very honest, and noone will know who you are. For me it was good to find out that lots of people had been through similar. In Real Life people don't tend to be so open about problems like alcohol, abuse etc etc. And fair enough, neither am I . I am a bit more honest about the alcohol now, but I never really told people apart from very close friends about how horrible he was to me. It still somehow felt like a bit of a shameful secret. There is strength somehow in knowing that it's not just you, and it's inspirational to know that people get through it and are much happier.

Wow, I came to the right place when I landed on this thread. Every single one of you have said something I can relate to. I'm sitting at my desk crying onto my keyboard and trying to hide it.
My H is an alcoholic and has been for years. I'm the one that changed and I'm the one that's insisting he leave....I can't take anymore. Every day I feel a different emotion. Im happier when he's mean and nasty, that I can cope with.

NOw he's got his head around the fact he has to leave he's started being really nice. It's killing me.....I keep thinking about what could have been. We could have had a wonderful life together. We have an amazing son who he has never bothered to build a relationship with. All of a sudden he's a different man and acting like the Dad he should have been for the past 6 years. ONly last weekend he was having to hang onto the doorframe to prevent himself from falling over, having been in the pub for 12 hours.....So why the hell do I feel sad and sorry for him?

I want to stay mad but I know that's not healthy. But when I'm not mad, Im sad...I hate this so much.

I know that I'm strong and I know the atmosphere in my house will be so much lighter when hes gone. It will be cleaner and easier to live not having him lying on the couch recovering from a hangover...

Just feel sad and wishing that things were not as they are right now. Add onto that he's emailing me with the places he's going to view and I really don't want to see them. I can't cope with the changing moods all the time with him.

I think for me I just need to try and remember why I wanted him gone in the first place.

THanks for listening ladies and to all out there going through the same...we're all going to be okay in the end, because if it's not okay, its not the end! :)

NN check

One time I am going to come on here wearing the wrong name! I know I should be more honest as well but I don't want all this linked to my fairly obvious where and who I am if you know me normal name on here.

So, morning! I am a bit like this today , which feels wrong and unkind but there is such a weight lifted from my shoulders. He hasn't gone far at all squeegle (and you can call me what you like, I don't mind ) I will see him everyday probably, this isn't a big place, which is fine. This decision hasn't been taken lightly, it is long thought out and worked on and one of the main things I would like to achieve is us still being friends. He is a friend, we can talk and talk about all manner of things just as long as they aren't about us, he never has been able to talk about emotion. If we can step out of this healthy and able to parent our children together in a friendly fashion then I will feel the whole marriage has actually been a success with albeit a slightly different ending. At the moment he thinks this is only because of the alcohol and nothing else but we can work on everything else once the main problem is out of the way. Baby steps and I don't think it would help him get better.

Myfairone you are totally in the right place, everything you say resonates with me completely. I can't tell you what to do because we are all different but concentrate on what will make you feel happy. I have been going to counselling for nearly a year now to work through this in my head and see what I could change about me to be 100% that this is what I need and yet it still took him getting fall over drunk 3 more times before I could see things properly.

You sound so positive, well done! Big pat on the back to you. I too hope that we can be friends, but right now I feel bitter towards him and still in two minds that I'm doing the right thing. Truth is this could continue for years and before I know it I'm an old lady with an useless alcoholic husband.

Thank you for the counselling advice. We tried couple counselling but he refused to speak. THe counsellor said that he should have some therapy on his own. He only went three times (I paid for it) and then said it 'wasn't for him'. I then tried to get him to AA meetings but they weren't for him either!
As for me, well I did a bout of counselling some time ago and don't feel the urgent need for some right now, however if I continue to feel this sad I just might look into it again. Thank you.

Stay strong and well done!

He's gone. After threatening to take TV and a load of other stuff he thought I'd miss, he didn't take any of it, just his clothes and a couple of bits of furniture. But I don't feel happy at all. All the feelings I was expecting to have are replaced with a deep deep sadness, and I've felt on the verge of crying all weekend and still today at work. I changed my bedroom around and bought new curtains and bedclothes, it looks lovely and yet I'm not happy. I know I'll feel better as the days go by, and I'm trying to focus on all the bad times and I know I've done the right thing etc, but I just never expected to feel so low. Please reassure me it will pass.

Oh lbab it's going to be OK you know, deep and utter sadness are to be expected, read all the lovely posters on here. Have a little moment to mourn what could have been then remember all the bits you aren't going to have to suffer anymore. I was in bits all day on Friday but this morning I feel positive and ready to go.

Thanks gone. I think I need to let all the tears out. Have been holding everything in all weekend in front of my DD, had little cries when she was in bed, and then today have to keep it together for work. Perhaps I need a day off work, on my own at home, to really let it all out. This thread has been remarkably comforting, knowing lots of us are in the same place for various reasons. Thank you so much.

Hi gone..glad to hear you're so upbeat and looking forward to the future. Happy to report that I am too. Onward !