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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't want me to go to work!!!

26 replies

Twinkie1 · 14/08/2006 13:44

I really am at the end of my tether with DH (after 3 weeks of him being so!!). I have been told of a job which would be great for me - it would mean DS was in childcare for a short time 2 days a week and someone else would have to pick DD up but it would mean I feel like I am doing something with my brain and contributing to the household (which is a big issue for me!) but DH is dead against it.

He likes me being at home and I think he sees him having to sort the kids out and bathe them and put them to bed 2 days a week as hassle when I am here to help at the moment, I do all the housework and the shopping (well it comes in a van once a week!) but I sit and order it!! He says I get time to myself but to be honset I go to the gym everyday and thats about it - occassionally I have a night out with one of my friends or my PNG but thats it really and I feel like I want something else in life.

DS is a nightmare with food too and I bet if he had to eat somewhere else 2 nights a week - somewhere where he saw other kids just didn;t eat sausages and chips and cucumber he would maybe eat something else!!

So I need some help with what I can say to convince him that its a good idea at the end of the day - he even had the gall to say that it woulod interfere with him going to see Arsenal play in the champions league and that would be really upsetting for him!!!

HELP!!!!

OP posts:
FioFio · 14/08/2006 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Twinkie1 · 14/08/2006 13:48

Think he wants me to go mad!!!

OP posts:
wartywarthog · 14/08/2006 13:48

yup, say you need to do it for YOU.

FioFio · 14/08/2006 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

heavenis · 14/08/2006 13:50

Maybe one way is to say you'll give it a three month trial and then review the situation then.

He needs to understand how this makes you feel,what would he do if he was in your position. Two days a week for him to look after his son is hardly asking alot.

CaligulaCorday · 14/08/2006 13:50

Tell him you want him to stay home with the kids all the time and see how reasonable he thinks that is.

proudofmyboobs · 14/08/2006 13:51

Just go and accept the job and then tell him! He can't argue then. Sorry, I hate men who think they can tell a woman what to do

desperateSCOUSEwife · 14/08/2006 13:52

agree with fio, they never know until the kids are with them for hours on end

twinkie I am looking for a job as i feel like you
have done my stint as chief cook and bottle washer for 22+ yrs so now going out into the world

good luck
xxx

Chandra · 14/08/2006 13:55

There are many pro's:

  1. Your brain will not disolve into yoghurt for lack of use
  2. You wuld be able to talk to him about other things apart from the children topic.
  3. He gets to interact in a more one to one way with his children.
  4. Some children experts like Stephen Biddulph (if I'm not wrong) advocate for daddy giving children a bath on a daily basis, that's the time for them to bond apart for providing a good oportunity to teach them some "sports" skills (even if it's just to perfect their strategy of a foreign body entering their eyes )
  5. Your time with the children will be better quality, when I was at home 24/7 the days were lonooooooong both for DS and me. Since I'm working part time, the day we spend together is very special and normally we have a planned activity for my free days, in general, we are having much more fun together now than before.
  6. To earn your own money will help you to maintain your selfesteem.
  7. You can buy him a season pass to see Arsenal playing with the extra money.

Would that help?

KathyMCMLXXII · 14/08/2006 14:07

Try building on the 'benefits of childcare' argument. My SIL is a SAHM but they still send my older nephew to childminder one day a week after school because they think it's really good for him - he gets to do fun activities and play with her toys and with the other kids, and she's good at the discipline so they think he behaves better as a result.

Also tell him about all those 1950s housewives who ended up on Valium (no disrespect to the large majority of SAHMs who are very happy and not on Valium, of course )

Original poster
Twinkie1 · 14/08/2006 14:19

Thanks all.

I think I am just going to keep on and on until he gives in with your ace arguements. Don't think he realises just how much I need some stimulation at the moment and I don't think he wants to upset the status quo - BUT I am well and truely fucked (sorry!!) off with watching Pippin over and over or crashing cars into each other which is all he wants to do at the moment!!! (DS I mean not DH!!)

We do go out but I want MORE in life than I have at the the moment!!!

Just got to secure the job and find a childminder now!!!

OP posts:
Uwila · 14/08/2006 14:25

Oh Twinkie. The choice is yours. He might not like it, but it is YOUR choice. Who does he think he is? Your husband or your master?

If my husband told me to quit work, I'd tell he was cooking dinner... and then we'd all go hungry.

HappyDaddy · 14/08/2006 14:26

Tell him Arsenal won't be in the champions league for long, so he wont miss much.

On the other hand, remind him that if he stops you workin you'll grow to resent, then hate him. Say "remember who does the shopping and cooking, sunshine. Next time I make your dinner, take a good long look at it I may have "added" something to it"

Original poster
Twinkie1 · 14/08/2006 14:27

I suppose if you put it like that I should just go and get the job and not involve him but we talk about everything and very rarely disagree - think I am going to go and speak to his mum too - as well as having the kids for me maybe 1 night she may also help me stick up for myself with him.

Don't get the wrong end of the stick though he is adorable and so kind and gentle, I just think he thinks he is being good to me by saying I don't have to work I don't think he understands that I want to regardless of whether we need the money or not!!

OP posts:
Uwila · 14/08/2006 14:35

Twinkie, I'm not sure if that was directed at me. I do think you should involve him. I think you should explain to him all the reasns why it's important to you. But, I also think you should be firm and tell him you've decided that you ARE going to do this. Tell him you'd appreciate his support. But, remain firm that the decision is made.

Original poster
Twinkie1 · 14/08/2006 14:37

Cheers Uwila - I am going to do it this evening right after I email my CV through!! am very excited now - thanks for all the great advice and helping me put things int o perspective - another thing I have lost after being at home all the time - every little thing is a huge drama now as I don't have much else to think about!!!

OP posts:
Uwila · 14/08/2006 14:38

Good luck.

heavenis · 15/08/2006 22:09

How did it go ?

Jackstini · 15/08/2006 22:13

Been lurking Twinkie to see what happened - were you firm.....?

Blondilocks · 15/08/2006 22:14

I would say that if you can't have a job then he can't go to the football, or watch the football.

I believe that in some ways it's good for children to have time away from their parents even if only in short doses. Think it helps when they go to school.

Uwila · 16/08/2006 07:55

Yeah, where are you? Update please! (when you have a chance between interviews, of course)

Original poster
Twinkie1 · 16/08/2006 08:01

Hi Eveyone.

He agreed with me!!!! Hoorah I am the voice of reason (well you lot are!!)

He thinks more than anything it will be good for DS as his behaviour and eating are out of control at the moment and after DH seeing him with his other little friends he realises that they do need to be with other kids. The big difference was he saw DS sitting at a table eating properly - it was only nuggets and smiley faces but he at least stayed at the table rather than running around and he didn't spit anything out!!

Just got to speak to MIL now - was thinking that maybe she could have DS one afternoon and pick up DD from school and the other afternoon I could beg one of the school mums to do it if I pay her and send DS to a nursery for the day - do they do one day things??? Then I would have a whole day to catch up on sleep and housework!!!

Anyway there you go - CV has gone to friend who told me about the job and her husband also may be able to help as he works for the same type of company - just got to keep fingers crossed now!!!

THAKS EVERYONE - SOMETIMES I LOOSE SIGHT OF THE FACT THAT I GET TO MAKE DECISIONS IN THIS FAMILY TOO - THINK THAT PART OF BEING AT HOME ALL OF THE TIME AND NOT EARNING ANY MONEY THOUGH - BUT HOPEFULLY THATS ALL GOING TO CHANGE NOW!!!!!

OP posts:
Uwila · 16/08/2006 08:20

Yippee. Well done!

heavenis · 16/08/2006 08:37

Excellent don't forget to post when you get the job.

Bow · 16/08/2006 10:01

Hi Twinkle, just wanted to say very well done.

Just one point about the child care for DS, I put my DS one day a week and he cried every time as a week apart between sessions was too much, might be worth considering two afternoons (or one morning one afternoon) and MIL the other time so he is there two short days a week (worked out same cost for me when I did it) not to dampen your spirits but just wanted to let you know! Hope it goes brilliantly