I think my best friend's husband is having an affair

[WhateverLover]

They have been married for 2 years and have a DD. Relationship has always seemed quite fractious; he has a drinking problem that he doesn't admit to and she is quite high maintenance. They rarely seem to communicate and argue a lot about silly things. In the past few months he has been on a lot of overnight courses with work. These courses never seemed to happen before and I have reason to believe that they are not actually what he says they are. He always springs them on her last minute, often leaving her with childcare issues as she travels a lot with work. She puts this down to him being disorganised but I'm not so sure. I haven't said anything to her but should I?

When you say you have reason to believe, what do you mean by that? Do you have evidence or just a hunch?

Unless you have good reason as in you have seen it with your own two eyes or someone reliable has told you then I wouldn't be going to her with any hunches. It will just cause trouble and he may not be having an affair. It may be as she said.

No, it's just a hunch. I just find it strange that after years of doing the same job, suddenly there is the need for him to go away for 1 or 2 nights probably every 6 weeks when, as far as I know, he never has before.

The messenger, irrespective of who they are, is typically shot. You need some firm evidence to back up your hunch and you need to be prepared to be ex-communicated if you speak up.

There isn't any real evidence of an affair here, is there ?

I think all you can do is ask your friend if everything is ok with them (in a general chit chat way) and take it from there. Have you ever discussed his drinking problem ? Perhaps it is that that is escalating.

Unless to have some other evidence you've not mentioned, then this is not the time to raise it. She knows about the absences and the change in work pattern.

If she is suspicious and raises the subject, then your role is to support and help her talk it through (and it then becomes fair game to tell her you think it's odd).

I know I don't really have a leg to stand on. I just wanted to write it down so that I could think about it properly but, you're right, I can't say anything based on the lack of information.

He goes to the pub every single night even if she has plans and is generally quite useless around the house and with DD. She knows it's an issue but seems afraid to bring it up.

It's their relationship. I suspect she moans to you about it as you seem to have a lot of inside information but then does nothing about it ? Frustrating, but not really your business unless she specifically asks for your input.

is this really about your friend, btw ?

is this really about your friend, btw ?

Yes, you're completely right. Just wanted to hear it from someone else I think so I could stop stewing on it.

And, yes, it's definitely about my friend

ok

So you have no evidence apart from your own perspective that it's strange how he's going away with work, honestly, don't waste your time on other people's relationships, I'm sure you could be thinking about far more interesting things that are about you.

They have a turbulent relationship, that's up to them.

I'm confused, you say she is "high maintenance" but everything you say about them suggests that he is high maintenance and she is afraid to say anything to him about his behaviour?

It doesn't sound at all like he is having an affair, it sounds like he has been taking the piss out of her for years and now he has upped the ante? Is there any reason you say this?

Even as her friend, I often find her hard work. Maybe high maintenance was the wrong description. She is very scatty and a bit overbearing.

It was just a hunch I had but I will keep my mouth shut and see what happens.

How do you know she doesn't already know/suspect?

I've heard of situations where the man's behaviour is so outrageous, I can only assume the wife must have some idea and just be willing to put up with it. Kinda sad but it's their marriage, I wouldn't want to get involved if it were me.

islanddreaming to be honest, that thought has crossed my mind. She normally reads too much into every situation so wondering why she hasn't thought this is odd behaviour.

I'll leave them to it and hope I'm wrong.

Be there to pick up the pieces, if necessary. That is all you can do (in the abscence of definitive proof)

She's your best friend? Yes, I'd say something to my best friend. I wouldn't necessarily say it to a friend, but I would to a best friend. I'd say something like 'it's odd that he's suddenly away a lot, what's that about?' but I also wouldn't be able to keep quiet about his crap husband and father skills, either and his drinking

Depends what type of person she is tbh. If something was going on under my nose and my friends 'didn't like to say anything', I'd be disappointed. I depend on my friends to be honest with me.