I've told abusive P that the relationship is over but I feel like an uncaring bitch

[dogsnfrogs]

I posted a thread a few days ago about needing to end my relationship, and don't know how to link it here, but a search of my NN should find it. Sorry.

But I made the phone call this morning and he has totally fallen apart, begging me to go back, promising everything will be different, he'll get treatment, he hadn't realised how ill he'd got again, it'll be different this time, he just needed this jolt to realise how bad his behaviour was . . .

I knew it would be like this but I still feel desperately sorry for him. Nobody deserves the shit childhood he had, or other stuff that's left him with huge mh issues, and at the moment I feel like I've just added one more kick when he's down.

I've called his GP & his old psychiatrist to get him support, got hisclosest friend to go and see him, and (very reluctantly) called him this evening when that friend asked me to. In both calls, I tried to be gentle, while repeating firmly that there is no way back, that I just can't do it any more. Turns out he'd hinted that if exP went to GP appointment he's fixed for tomorrow, and gets more treatment sorted, then perhaps I might go back to him. I can understand that friend's immediate aim is to avoid him suiciding but I'm not sure it helps in the long run. (Obviously still hugely grateful to friend for being there for him).

So at the moment I feel like a total shit, and I'm wondering if there is any way we could make it work again.

But I'm also afraid of the time when the shock & hurt turn into anger & he comes looking for me.

Because that is what will happen, isn't it? He's had years of treatment & we've still ended up where we are now. He's not really capable of change, is he?

I'm reading Lundy Bancroft and telling myself I have to stay strong, but it would be so easy right now to just say I'll go back.

Does XP co own the house then OP? Why can't you put it on the market? You make it sound like you are going to allow him back to live with you which is very worrying.

Two women a week are killed by their DP in the UK. That's the tip of the iceberg obviously alongside all the women who survive attacks. You have said his aggression was becoming increasingly violent.

He is no longer your problem. The relationship is over and you have to detach. Can you block him from your phone or get a new number so he and his friends cannot call you?

If he needs to contact you about the house this can be done via solicitor. You cannot be friends with an ex like this. Don't even try.

You have been very brave and are bound to hurt, but this was never going to end well was it? Stay strong.

He hasn't really attempted suicide, has he?
He's just played the sympathy card.

Like my ex, who supposedly had a knife to his throat at some point.

Leave him to it.

You can take the time you need in selling the house and so on.

So sorry to hear you've been put through this, dogsnfrogs...

No, he won't stay like this: and you would indeed still be at risk. So please, don't waver (though I know it's easy for me to say). But he threatened you with a broom handle, that he had broken, and the threat he made was quite clear - a threat to YOUR life.

I think the friends should be told, in a matter of fact way, that he has been violent with you, and threatened your life. You should not feel pressurised to contact him, or keep his secrets.

The complexity of his problems are not the issue: your future safety is. Please stay strong. Stay angry, if it helps.

Well I suppose you have to give the guy some credit for taking it to the attention-seeking wire... It's pathetic, it really is.

Your Ex has spent your relationship making you responsible for his past problems and current/future wellbeing.

You're right Dione, and I've taken the responsibility too, thinking that helping him would make me feel better about myself. It tapped into all my huge self esteem issues. I have asked for counselling and am waiting to hear back from them. And I'm in process of signing up with a GP so I can get some ADs for a little while. I'd hoped never to go back on them again, but I can't risk sliding back into another bout of depression.

No Hampton I own the house but it's overseas, I've come to stay with my daughter in the UK, and when I wrote that I was still afraid of getting tough & forcing him out of the house. But he's likely to be detained in hospital for some time so I'll go back, get locks changed, and start sorting things out.

I'm getting a UK sim card so the calls will stop. And yes, I knew that it would never end well, that his behaviour always went just far enough to get me back in line, so that if I pushed things to the limit his response would be extreme. In fact I thought he'd make a proper job of the suicide, I'm really surprised to find he's acted in such a blatantly manipulative way. But that's good because it's helped me make that first real step forward.

Thank you all for your comments and support, you've taught me a lot. I would not have had the confidence to do this without your sage advice. You all have permission to say 'I told you so'

Oh, and now at the age of 58 I'm going to learn how to live alone as I should have done at the age of 19 when I first left home

It's never too late to embrace independence. Bit of an adjustment at first but, once you get to grips with it, you'll wonder why you ever saddled yourself with a bloke-shaped ball and chain. :) Glad you're being realistic.

Living independently is fantástico, Go for it.

And don't worry about having ADs again, think of it as one of the tools you have at your disposal To make this transición and Get things like the house sale sorted.

Well done.

58, embracing independence? You have got so much to look forward to. Live your life.

You know just how manipulative and abusive this man is. His friends can never know what it is like to live with him behind closed doors.

Keep strong. You are not responsible for the actions he decides to take. Enjoy spending time with your dd.

You sound so much stronger, as if the real you is coming to the fore now. Bravo

He may well make a few more attempts to get back into your life, by some means or another, so be tough, and be aware. Forewarned is forearmed, and all that.

I like AdoraBell's concept of ADs as tools to make a transition. Hope all goes well with the next phase.

Hi love.

You don't NEED an excuse or reason for leaving someone. You can just do it, if that's what you want to do. If it's not working for you - stop doing it. If it's not working because you fear for your life, don't you think that's even more of a good reason to be without this person in your life?

I've just gone back and read your other thread. He is violent and abusive, end of story. His mental health problems are not yours to fix. You need to keep yourself safe.