Is he or is he not?

[sugaryonthesurface]

I really really need some help. I am coming to the end of my tether and I think I know I should walk away or make a big stand but I feel like I am going to lose everything I have put my heart and soul into for ten years and I am scared.
How do you know that someone is an alcoholic? How do you measure this?
My partner goes to work every day, is a decent guy. He doesn't drink in the day ( I don't think but I don't trust him anymore) but every night he downs can after can. he tells me he can't not have a drink because he won't be able to sleep. If he hasn't got any cans he says he can't cope. He promised me he would cut down to a few days a week but he always finds an excuse why he NEEDS some ie the footballs on, he has had a busy day and so on... He has now started lying to me about it. I opened a drawer and found 15 stuffed down the back so I confronted the issue and said why did you hide them? He doesn't have an answer. My answer is because you know it is wrong.I said to him that I can support him with a problem but I can't deal with a liar. All I asked is that he doesn't lie to me and he doesn't hide it from me
So this has gone on and on. So I came to a ultimatum I told him that if he carries on like this I can't be with him anymore and he has to go. We have a child and over my dead body will he grow up around this, I am his mum I am his protector and I won't have it. Adding in the factor that I deserve better than a liar. He promised and lied continued but won't go if I ask him anyway and i have nowhere to take myself and my son without my son suffering. He is just in complete denial that it'll all be fine.
Now yesterday he promised me that he wouldn't drink today as a fresh start, I went upstairs and he has pre hid some beers and he is sat there drinking them. He doesn't know I know but I do. Do I confront him again? Do I ask him if he is drinking and see if he tells me?
What the hell am I going to do? Am I over reacting? What would you do?

Tribpot,when could you get to a stage of sleeping again? He says its just not easy to stop but he wants to badly.I feel in a way though its only to appease me that he thinks he means this.If he stops is it better to vut down or cut it out totally?I mean if he has less will it just spiral out again?Youre right it is hard to learn that you cant stop it.

I have experience of this. I'm really sorry but you are better off without him. He will ruin your life. You can see that he is destroying his life, his health. Slowly his career will decline, he will affect your child. He will cause arguments to lessen his guilt of drinking.

He knows he is destroying his life and the longer it continues the harder it will be to turn it around. I am living this life and I wish I had walked away. Your behaviour will decline. You will do things you never thought yourself capable of. By giving him so many chances you take away your child's chances at a happy life.

This will destroy all of you. You should separate until he shows he has stopped drinking. This is not the road to happiness

I know it is heartbreaking. I kept giving my husband chances and now I don't have the capability to leave. I have sacrificed my life for an addict.

He is nice at the moment, but he will start to hate and resent you. He will tell you he drinks because you make him unhappy, he can't handle the responsibility, he can't sleep without it, he can't relax without it. He will tell you that you are overreacting.

He knows he is letting you both down. You should feel proud that you have had the courage to ask for help. I hope you have the courage to lead a happy life. Go to al anon if you don't believe me

It sounds absolutely that he is an alcoholic.
And you're are absolutely right to put yourself and your child's needs first. It's really not good for a child to grow up seeing their Dad behave like to, and also to experience the stress it must put you under, too.
I agree that he must go. Maybe it's that simple for now, and if he really sorts himself out, like REALLY, you could see how you feel about him then? But you need to, and deserve to, feel safe in your own home. And he needs to take some responsibility, get some help, and dry out, which might only happen if push actually comes to shove.
I hope it all works out for you. Xxx

Thanks vxm.
Im already getting the over reacting thing from him.He has said before he drinks because hes bored of family life yet I always put them both before myself.Hes got the best of everything,never goes without a thing.Its so hard to register because its normal to the most point in the day except hes a bit negative and grumpy at times.I think he will get sick of me persisting with it but I cannot not do.I have someone in his family I could ring for him to go there.Theres no alcohol in the house now so I will know if hes drinking because he will have to get it.

Thanks onthehill.
My child hasnt seen him drinking as of yet,youbg so is in bed.I absolutely will not have him seeing cans around etc so theyre out in the bin every night and if he drunk in front of him then id be so ashamed.Ive made that EXTREMELY clear that my child wont walk in a room with empty cans lying around like its all dandy.Not on your nelly.

Imagine beach as a bloke that doesn't like women much and his contribution makes more sense, whaddayathink ?

Maybe anyfucker,i dont like that bloke much either.

ergo, you can ignore the comments

ta- dahh

sugary - my sleeping improved immediately I quit drinking but by then I was very ill so I was just sleeping/exhausted nearly all the time. I had something called proximal myopathy, which just means weakness in the major muscles, in my case my legs. I honestly could hardly walk by this point, and it was months before I had enough power in my legs to climb a large step like into a hackney cab-style taxi, if you know what I mean.

Most alcoholics find it takes some weeks or months for their sleep to stabilise. The GP or alcohol service can help if need be. If he's physically addicted he may need to do a controlled withdrawal, but this needs to be under medical supervision, no pissing about pretending he's cutting down on his own.

The willingness to go and admit the problem to the GP is a litmus test in my view. If he's serious about his recovery he will do it. My guess is that he won't. Addiction feeds on secrecy and he will want to keep this shame from being known to anyone but you.

Ultimately he needs to stop drinking completely. You're wasting your time trying to compensate for whatever he claims is 'making' him drink. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. It doesn't matter how good or bad things are going, there is always a reason to drink. Leave him to it; stop putting before yourself.

Tribpot yes i do need to stop putting him before me.I need to change that and stop being so soft because I get nothing in return.
Hes got beer.ffs.

Ah. That'll be your fault, I expect.

I just dont know anyfucker.i just dont know.

What will happen when i contact al anon?can i email them because I cant talk when Im upset.

Have you looked on their website, love ?

Hi sugary
What is likely to happen, if my first-hand experience of the AA phone office is anything to go by, is that your call will be answered by someone on a rota who is a member of Al Anon and who is there to help someone just like you. (Hours are on the website: it's not 24/7, they just wouldn't be able to get the overnight volunteers.)
That means that they won't be a professional, but they will know exactly where you're coming from. If the crying/being upset worries you: the first time I rang AA, I tried to sound terribly businesslike about seeking help for my drinking. The moment I heard this lovely, warm, northern accent saying "yes, love, of course we can help you, you've come to the right place" I promptly lost all street cred by bursting into tears. I will celebrate 29 years of continuous sobriety later this month, and I have never, ever looked back.
I do wholeheartedly advise you to call Al Anon. It's a great organisation, and you will find support and valuable experience. Wives with alcoholic husbands, husbands with alcoholic wives, children, parents, partners...
I wish you lots and lots of luck.

Oh, and both I and my DH have taken shifts at the AA phone office. I promise you: substituting the fact that we are AA and you need AlAnon, you are exactly why we're there. If you don't call us, there's no point in our turning up. So no worrying about getting upset!

Well done Dolores

I emailed,is that still good?

Is it normal to feel like you dont know what the hell is going on and not be able to believe this is happening?

I expect that is a normal reaction, love

Re emailing, I honestly don't know! I haven't been involved with phone duty for a while, so I don't know if emails get picked up, but don't be surprised if there's a slight delay. If they don't respond to an email, I do beg you to follow up with a phone call, because it'll probably just mean that they're not used to getting emails and are trying to work out how to respond to it most helpfully!

Re your second post: should have thought so, yes. You're looking at your normal life and contemplating completely changing it in ways that don't have a predictable outcome at this stage. It's bound to feel a bit destabilising, but not half as destabilising as living with an active alcoholic for the next few years.

One foot in front of the other, OP. Take the next obvious healthy step. Then the one after that.

Well we are talking.He is talking to me so that makes me calmer,hes not brushing it away.He says he hides it because he knows that its bad and he simply doesnt want me to know.Hes annoyed at himself too.

The thing about living with an alcoholic: everyday the triumph of experience over hope. :-( Thinking everything is ok, then discovering the gin under the bed or the whisky in the airing cupboard: the punch in the stomach and more fool you for believing it would all be ok. :-( again.

I don't have any contact with my mother anymore and I have largely blotted out what it means to live with an alcoholic - but I do remember that it means self-loathing and wondering why they can't love you enough to give it up. It's not his fault, he can't help it - but it's no way for anyone else to live around him. The air crackles with danger around an alcoholic, all that suppressed anger and disappointed hope. Good luck.

Thank you brokenbutnotfinished.
I cant imagine how hard it mustve been having a parent with a drink problem and I will make sure that isnt my child x

You don't need to look at this now (or ever) but there is a lot of research into the psychological effects on children of alcoholics. It's so corrosive. I do drink myself, but I have a very difficult relationship with alcohol - and married a man who barely touches the stuff. I could never live with an alcoholic [again]. Do get in touch with support lines. I never did because I was too ashamed - and I was too busy hoping that tomorrow would be better. Which it is, but only because I got away (right away...) :-)