So how do you 'deal' with someone with NPD?

[chicaguapa]

I'm thinking of getting back into contact with my sis who has NPD (amateur diagnosis by me). Mainly because I can see how difficult it is making things with my mum arranging family get together etc. And because I know she's trying to reconcile.

The reason I went NC a couple of years ago (aka the final straw) is because of how she reacted when I criticised something she'd done. She was very spiteful and vindictive towards me and took it too far IMO. I just decided I didn't need it anymore.

But.... I'll only resume contact if I have a way of dealing with her demands and behaviour. Or is just a case of understanding why she is like that?

It's only recently that I've come across NPD but the 'diagnosis' has helped me enormously in understanding my family dynamics. My dad has NPD too and I've had no contact with him for 3/4 years. I'm not planning on reconciling with him though as he is too abusive for me to cope with.

X-post, definitely go with your gut.

Another recommendation for the Nina Brown book. It is my life line and sanity saver when my mother goes off on one.

I think a level of detachment is not your fault. There's some useful stuff and responses in the Stately Homes Thread

Thank you.

I know she wants to reconcile because my mum told me and she's made some attempts to get in contact. Just functional stuff, no apology or discussion about what happened. This is typical for my family though. Because of my dad's NPD there's a culture of treating someone like shit and then pretending it didn't happen. 'Grudges' aren't held and I'm going against the grain for not moving on and forgiving.

My mum and my dad aren't together btw. She supports my NC with my dad but not my sis. She doesn't see they are the same. She thinks I'm being unfair on my sis and that she misses me. Yes, I sense manipulation too.

I think the key is respect. There's no respect from anyone or for anyone in my family. If I went to contact again, sis wouldn't show any respect. She would carry on as she always has with stirring behind the scenes and manipulation of events. I would just be aware of it. My biggest reluctance is that she'll not respect that I'm NC with my dad and will make me feel shit about that. I think it'll just drag me down.

The annoying thing is that both my dad and sis have managed to manipulate the situation where I'm the one who looks unreasonable for being NC. In my dad's case he has actively done this and deliberately misrepresented events so I look bad and to justify his behaviour towards me. With my sis it's because there's a culture of pandering to her and her always being the victim. So I'm the baddie by default. I can live with this but it does mean there's not a lot of support.

Thank goodness for DH.

It does rather sound as if you'd be walking back into the bear's den. I can understand your mother wanting you reconciled but I imagine there is a strong element of her wanting her children to be friends no matter what. But it sounds as though it would take too much out of you to handle your sister. It also sounds like you don't really want to try, even?

I maybe did want to try but this thread has now put me off. I don't know if I can be bothered as I'm not sure what I'd be getting out of it, except a load of grief and wariness.

well, in practical terms the one meal at your mother's sounds reasonable. And if she starts playing games, it's clear the writing is on the wall. Mainly if you do give it a go, just be willing to walk away. Unless she changes / grows up / or even will accept your limits, then things are likely to wrong.

very occasionally people like this -do- accept someone else's limits. IF your sister is sincere in her wish for reconcilement, which tbh I'd be wary about, just maybe something like that would be possible. However, the chances are against it.