Still cross about DH's behaviour 4 years ago.

[zoeannie]

My DH is great in many ways but has always been rubbish if I've been ill, if the children are ill, or if he has to do lots of things in the house. He gets quite moody and sulky when any of these things happen. Basically as long as all is going his way then he's fine.

4 years ago, when pregnant with our youngest child I was ill the whole pregnancy with various things. As a result of this he had to take over the majority of things in the house and with our other 2 DCs, and I literally spent the whole 9 months feeling very ill and feeling uncomfortable in my own home as DH was constantly moody; he sulked, wouldn't speak to me, snapped, moaned constantly about having to do things and I felt like a real inconvenience.

After the birth I had a PPH, and then got a breast abcess and again was very unwell, and again it meant DH had to do a lot in the house for several weeks. Again he was sulky, moody and made me feel uncomfortable constantly. He even threatened to leave when DS was a few days old as he said I wasn't being appreciative enough. And when I had the breast abcess and was in bed for 2 days with a raging fever and very unwell, he virtually went on strike.

I then got PND, and again he was unsupportive and didn't care at all.

Once my anti depressants kicked in and I felt well again, things got back to 'normal' as I started doing the lion's share of housework again. He has been fine since then unless the kids or I are ill, or unless something doesn't suit him. However I cannot get past his behaviour from my pregnancy and when I had DS and I sometimes feel like splitting up from him because I just cannot get over it.

If I try to discuss it with him he refuses to discuss it and just ignores me. Or says there is no point in dwelling on past arguments.

I just needed to get it off my chest really. sorry this is long!

OP it is rare that I say it but I think you need to LTB. TBF I would even suggest that living with the set of corcumstances you describe meant you had perinatal anxiety/depression and that it was recognised post-natal. I would not be surprised given the eggshells you walked on throughout the pregnancy.

It's a big betrayal to have someone treat you like that, especially when you've had a baby.

PND is bloody awful. I really see now how not supporting me, makes him a bad dad. It was mega stressful for DS too

One of the many ways in which I think my ExH's leaving me was actually a blessing in disguise is that he had little sympathy for me when I was unwell during pregnancy.

It is quite abusive, I think, to be so controlling and unpleasant to a woman who is feeling fairly vulnerable.

I really can't see how I can get past it unless he acknowledges that his behaviour was wrong, and changes future behaviour, which I really can't see him doing. I've suggested couples' counselling but he refuses to do that, so I guess he's leaving me with no other option?

Whenever any of the kids are ill he seems also to get in a bad mood with me about it and is offhand and unhelpful. He'll happily go off to bed if one of the kids is ill, even if he knows it's likely I'll be up all night with that child, as happened recently. When I said the next day that I was a bit tired he snapped at me that I made the choice to stay awake and could have just gone to bed and left DS to it! DS is 4!

And yet the other day when his friend's 2 DS's had tonsilitis, DH was saying to me how awful it was that both boys were ill, 'poor boys' etc.

Another time when all 3 kids and I had a stomach bug DH just went off out in a huff and left me alone to deal with it all. Apparently I was 'being controlling' by expecting him to stay home to help out with the kids.

ex used to be like this, his illnesses were always terrible and earth shattering and he took to bed and wouldn't go to work (I'd have ot call in sick for him), he;d even expect me to take time off work to wait on him hand and foot whilst he was ill (mild hayfever being one of those near death experiences).

I vividly recollect him telling me I was cruel, after I'd made him spiced tea in a thrmos, chicken soup in a thermos, and left a jug of water glasses, and pills next to the bedside table to go to work (I was the only one with a permanent job and we needed the my salary).

When I was in labour he told me I had no idea how he felt, he hadn't had much sleep and had a headache, god I wanted to hurl things at his head.

The best thing about ex is that he is ex strangely I am now less prone to coming down with flu and tonsilitis as other illnesses as he's no longer around to cause immense stress and expect ten course meals and an immaculate home and children everyday.

You won't get over it, zoe. Plain and simple.

His behaviour is awful - he needs to grow up and man up.

I'm sorry you've had to endure what you have - made 100 timed worse when you have such an inconsiderate and selfish husband!

I couldn't see a future with someone like that.

OKh Christ, OP, he's just DREADFUL. I so hope he goes so that you and your sweet children can have a happy, stress-free life without such a horrid person around. I thought my exH was bad ... left me ill in bed with pneumonia and with two tiny children, while he went off for a week 'to play golf' ... actually, to screw my 'best' friend. But that's another story.

Thank you linerunner I'm all good now with a lovely DP.

zoe I felt like you for a long time, but they won't ever acknowledge it, because in his head, he isn't doing anything wrong. As he is more important.

When I was in hospital, he convinced himself that he had a brain tumor and 2 days after I was discharged made me go and sit with him in a&e so he could get an X-ray, we waited for 4.5 hours, I was in agony and passing big blood clots still, and just as they called his name.....he decided we had to leave as I was moaning and didn't care about him.....I hadn't spoken for nearly 3 hours it's awful mind games to put you in your place. He also refused to get me tablets/water, he watched me crawl past him to get them while he played COD

I bumped into him about 15 months later. It was in a work context so I pretended I didn't know him, we were introduced, he went purple and couldn't speak properly. When we were left alone he said 'oh you look really good, like you did before I came along and ruined you' I just replied yeah, how's the brain tumor? He had the good grace to look ashamed and stare at the floor, bless him.

Sorry for the rant, I don't mean to project, I just know how awful it is. And I really don't think he will change it is soul destroying.

I broke my leg when I had only been on 2 dates with current DP. I was 80 miles from home, he drove all the way there in rush hour, cancelled his plans for that evening, picked me up, firemans carried me to h&m so I could get some trackies to fit over my cast . Brought me dinner, took me home and looked after me until I was more mobile. Only leaving when he had to work, but he made sure I had everything I needed, swapped shifts to take me to appointments, arranged trips out to cheer me up.

A couple of months ago I had a horrible period, he turned up with chocolate, a hot water bottle, a takeaway and a movie.

This is how it should be!!

Exactly, BitchPeas, that's how it should be.

My now OH and I had only been together for a month when I had a blood clot in my lung. He was amazing, both practically and emotionally. My ExH, on the other hand, despite knowing the effect my illness was having on his own children (I was in hospital in a major trauma unit, ffs) didn't once contact me.

BitchPeas your last post made me well up. What a lovely chap.

Ah Bitchpeas, I'm so glad you've got a lovely partner now! He sounds fab!

OP, you 'not being able to get over' your DH's behaviour is an extremely logical and sensible way to think - you see that, don't you?

What has happened here is that your life partner, the person supposed to love you, care for you, be your partner in caring for and protecting the children, has demonstrated to you in a most clear and shocking way that he does not care for either you or them, won't support you, will let you down, will put himself first, and will do it all with a side helping of nasty bullying to boot.

That's not a 'one-off' incident that should be forgotten and forgiven. It's an early warning that you and your children are building your house on quicksand. That all of you are in a vulnerable and dangerous position, and evidence continues to mount up that that isn't going to change.

You shouldn't be thinking of how to 'get over' this. It isn't 'over'. It's an ongoing situation that should be worrying the hell out of you.

What do you think would happen if - heaven forbid - you had a life-changing illness or accident?
What do you think would happen if such a thing happened to one of hte children?
What do you think WILL happen when you get older, more frail, need support in some way?

Will this man walk shoulder to shoulder with you through adversity?
Would he be there for you in trouble, in pain, in old age?
Would he be there for your children?

No. He won't be. He'll let you ALL down and fuck you over should you ever really need him.

You can't forgive him because your sensible brain is telling you that the thing you should be doing is leaving him and making sure that you and your children are safe and secure.

My ex was similar, awful when pregnant, never there for me and resented being needed. We tried to work through it and things did get a little better, but I just knew I was never going to have another baby with him after our daughter was born. And that was the point that I knew it was over.
Don't beat yourself up about 'still not being over it' You're not over it because it was utterly unacceptable and is still going on. Listen to what your gut is telling you about him.

What exactly is the point of being with him? He doesn't care about you particularly and ruined your last pregnancy. Imo it's far better to be alone in tough times than with someone who adds to the pain by not giving a fuck about you. It makes it all so much worse.

He doesn't love you OP, and I'm not sure he loves your children either :(

I feel very detached/distant from him at the moment. I can see that this irritates him but I think he truly doesn't think that he's done anything wrong at all. He is of the school of thought that he's always right and I'm always wrong.

Bloody Hells Bitchpeas! What was wrong with his mother? I would have dragged him back to you and told him to grow a pair and be a helpful human being (probably just as well I am single, no kids!). I suppose he was a mummies boy and she welcomed hi with open arms. Mothers can do a lot of damage to their sons if they are not careful.