PIL cause me real bad anxiety and I don't know why!

[NewMummee]

My PIL make me feel so anxious and I dread their visits which now are more frequent as I have a new baby (14 weeks).
They both have some sort of anxiety problems themselves it seems as they constantly ask is this ok, is that ok and they seem really highly strung, like their vibe is on high alert all the time and this makes me feel uneasy and always has but now I have daughter it's worse, as of course they faff over her and get super excitable when they come. My DP has suffered with depression and anxiety most of his life and this is down to his childhood and upbringing.
I'm not an anxious person at all but they make me feel so anxious and when I know they coming to visit ( once a month lets say) I feel like crying sometimes!! What is going on? I can't tell DP as I tried before but it's his family
So he defends and thinks I hate them, I don't as they are generally nice and very generous. I just can't handle them. It doesn't help that I feel super protective of my daughter too that I don't want her to pick up on any anxieties etc as my DP now has as an adult. I know it's crazy but it's how I feel and I don't know what to do

Thanks listentothelady I do wonder if my pregnancy and new mum hormones are taking a part in this, I don't feel depressed and I'm usually a positive and upbeat person but I can't tolerate certain things now....I hope it passes

I feel for you OP.

Remember that this is the only parenting model that your DH has to guide him. Being over-anxious and double-checking is second nature to him. That's probably becoming more obvious now he's a parent.

I know people do things lots of different ways, but might it be worth seeing how you can expose your DH to the way that other people do things? Popping round to friends who have DC a similar age, or older etc. That might provide some conversation openers to make it easier as well.

I do agree that you need to be breezy and cheerful and don't try to empathise or justify. That way misery lies!

Finally, it will get easier as you find a routine and gain confidence. Make sure you don't let this stop you enjoying your baby!

Tell your husband it is okay for mentioning his concerns once. Maybe twice. But that is enough! You don't want to hear it anymore!

To add to the advice above, you could also try changing the routines a bit. If they always come to you meet for lunch instead because it gives you a clear end time to the visit and you can change conversation/worries with each course.

You could also try taking a little more control of arranging the visits, phone them and say can you come on Saturday after 1pm, so your making the visit shorter and in a day you chose.

I found these two small changes helped me deal with the other aspects of my in-laws behavior a little better.

Its a shame your DH isnt more on board or you could play worry bingo, perhaps later :)

Do tell me what worry bingo is??

I have heard it used for predictable passive aggressive comments, or mean comments, or on Grand Designs when Kevin says 'use of space' etc. It diminishes the effect of the hurtful comment and you turn it around and make it amusing. You make a list of things and see who gets the full set first. I do think it may be a strategy for the future though, when you are feeling a little more in control. :)

Ah ok, almost like desensitising the issue, maybe I'll try it on my own :)