Bad 'Grampa'

[optimism4]

My primary source of stress as bump gets bigger is my partners ex-stepfather (complicated family!). He is rejoicing that we're making him a Grandad when in fact we don't feel that way at all. Both of our fathers have passed away and this man, despite being the father of my partner's sister, is no relation to our baby. Not even by marriage any more. How can we get him to...bog off?

Before you think, as I have momentarily, 'what's the harm?' this man is not who anyone would chose to play any role in their child's life. It is not my place to say what he chooses to do but he's very different from either of our fathers and I would rather he didn't come near our baby at all.

I am feeling increasingly vehement about putting my foot down but I don't know how and I don't want to offend any of my partner's family nor my partner (who I don't think feels as sick as I do about it).

My current thoughts are to make sure I am present at all times if he is; any future trips to the zoo or wherever will have to involve me; but how do I make him understand he is not a grandfather?

I'm not sure if I have explained this very well but...

...thoughts please?

Your baby - your decisions.
If they are upset that is for them to deal with. You need to talk to this interfering non Grandad.
Tell him He is not the child's Grandad or any sort of relative. If his way of life is not yours even more important to make clear now what you will permit.
I think you need to offend that part of the family now for peace of mind in the future and talk to your partner about your feelings too.

Do you feel your child would not be safe with him around? If yes, 'not offending' people will have to take a distant back seat to protecting your child. You do whatever you have to do. If no, then you just have to increase the distance between you in various ways. Go with your instinct as to which of those it is.

Do you and your DH see him at all at the moment? Does he come over, do you visit him at home? Because if you do, he's going to be around your child routinely, so that would have to change. Your OP does give many details (not a criticism) so I can only say speak to your DP about how best to do that.

If the issue amounts to a child protection one (e.g. ex-stepfather has a conviction for child abuse or something) I would say stop all contact, and contact SS for advice if family try to pressure you into seeing him and giving him access.

Sorry, 'does not give many details'.

How is he rejoicing? What contact do you have?

It's very difficult to comment because for whatever reason, you are not able to say exactly what the problem is with this man. Therefore, I can not tell if you are over reacting. Your reaction to this man is certainly a strong one. If you have a solid reason for your reaction, then you must discuss this further with your dp. Don't worry about hurting people's feelings.

However one thing I would ask. Does your DP see his step father as a father figure? Did he bring him up from a young age? Because if so, I could see why the step father would see himself in the grandfather role.

Wow. Thanks for your lightning speed responses.

The man is a bully; very egotistical, materialistic and shallow. He lies a lot, has been violent and drinks too much and would not give my opinions a moments thought if they didn't match his. I don't think baby would be at risk of harm at all but I don't think his lifestyle would be a positive thing to expose a new child to.

Writing all this down makes me wonder why I asked the question- the answer is obvious, hey?

We haven't seen him for about 8 months so the distance is there. He has been pretty rude about me to his daughter during this time.

My main fear is him showing up at the hospital and causing a scene if I ask them not to let him in.

Can you not just tell him nothing about the baby or are there other parties that would feed him info? E.g. his daughter, or his ex wife (your partners mum?)

I have a few nutso relatives I have completely cut off and its fine as no interim people want to push the relationship iywim apart from one family friend who was told in no uncertain terms I wanted nothing to do with the asshole in question. Then it ended.

I can sort of relate I was so worried my uncles ex was going to rock up at my wedding and kick off and I think she would have had it been in her town. To be worried about something like that happening when you have just given birth and are vulnerable is not what you need to deal with.

I would speak to your partner to get him onside with keeping him away and agree a strategy together.

Do not allow any "granddad" shit to develop because once it starts you wont be able to stop it.

Definitely get your partner on side.

This man has had no contact with you for 8 months, but is already making your pregnancy all about him ("making him a granddad")? Yeah, he's going to be trouble. Make sure you and your partner both agree, now, what you will and will not tolerate, and be prepared to say "no" to him.

Next time he hints at a granddad role could you just say, "you know, we really don't see you as a granddad figure to our baby". And if he asks why just say, "well, you're not her granddad, are you?".

To be honest though, how many times do you have to see your partner's mother's ex partner??

He won't know you are at the hospital if your husband doesn't tell anyone until you are out. You don't have to have him come to your house. You can just be busy with the baby and not be in if he wants to visit.

You have to learn some avoidance tactics and to be blunt 'eh, but you aren't [baby's] grandad are you?'

Unfortunately he will be told about the arrival as his daughter will not keep it quiet. I just hope I am brave enough in the moment to say just what Logg1e has written above. I don't see that we have any reason to see him but he is going to be trouble. I know it. I'm not sure whether my partner really agrees. He is one of those men that say what you want to hear and then backpeddle when they do the opposite! I know he worries about baby being/feeling left out when his cousin has a grandfather (this man) but they won't...

Can anyone confirm if, in the UK, you can stop people accessing the maternity area- even if they profess to be a grandparent? Will any guarantees be given?- I know the hospital staff are busy enough without having to worry about my anxieties!

I am certain that the hospital staff will want to know all about your anxieties and would be upset if they knew you didn't tell them how they could help merely because you didn't want to cause a fuss. It's their job to make you feel safe and trusting and it reflects on their professionalism if you don't.

I don't know the definitive answer to your question (although I'd give it a good guess). I can't see you being in hospital long enough for visitors really, if all goes to plan.

I hope so. Thanks everyone. So pleased I joined mn!

My hospital was akin to Fort Knox. DH allowed in but other visitors restricted to visiting time, and had to be limited in number. No one not on the list allowed in.
It is far more secure than the rest of the hospital, with security cameras etc. if anyone kicks up a fuss anywhere they are liable to be escorted outside.

You had an actual list?! Amazing. That's what I thought about but thought it was a bit OTT. That's made my day. Thank you. I can ask my midwife if it's possible for me without feeling like a spoon now!