I feel like the worst mother in the world. I can't wait to go back to work. My baby has been through so much and deserves a better mother than me, I just upset her, I think she hates me. She would rather lie in her cot or play in her gym than be held by me. She won't take food from me.
I dread getting up every day, I live for going to bed but even that is tinged with dread at the thought of getting up. I cry through most days. I feel so isolated and alone. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.
It's not even as if I'm a new mother, but my older daughter hates me too. They are both closer to my husband. I try so hard with my older daughter to do lovely things with her, but it is him she runs to and wants to put her to bed.
I have very few friends. I struggle with confidence and self esteem and rarely reach out to people, and deep down I always hoped that actually my acquaintances were friends and would be there for me when the chips were down. When my baby was born she was very ill for a long time and in intensive care, I too was admitted with the same illness, and yet in the 10 weeks we lived away (she in icu and hdu, and me in hospital then B&B) only 3 people visited us and 2 were my parents. This was after I had reached out to people, so I was right they are just acquaintances and nobody cares. People rallied round my husband and older daughter at home carrying on with their lives. Our 'best friends' have not contacted us since she was born - these people we have holidayed with numerous times and have so much history and they don't even care.
I am struggling to get over what we went through last year. When I think about it I break down. I didn't take the psychiatric help on offer at the time and it's too late now. My daughter has as yet unspecified disabilities (time will tell) and is certainly blind, I don't feel I can cope with it. I see my doctor regularly for other (physiological) issues, and she used to ask me 'how's your mood?' But doesn't any more. The postnatal period has passed and I should have got over the trauma of last year on my own.
I was prolific on Facebook (because I'm so isolated) but last week I deactivated my account. It seemed so shallow, people making empty promises and faking concern. I don't want to see photos of everybody else's healthy babies all developing normally. I don't want so-called friends knowing what is going on in our lives when they can't pick up a phone and show concern. Now I have truly isolated myself but I don't want to be on there any more.
I know people judge me for returning to work, they act shocked, how could I leave my disabled baby with a childminder? How can I? She is better off with a CM who stimulates her. Life with me is boring. I don't know what to do with her, my heart sinks when she wakes up. I'm not a baby person. I love doing things with my toddler (I struggled on mat leave with her too) but I find the baby so boring 
I worry constantly that I should do more with her and I have lots of equipment to use with her but when I try she just screams. I'm sure other mothers would do the right thing by their disabled babies to push them on, and I'm holding her back if anything.
I have one true friend but he is male, my husband does not like me being friends with him and I have faked a fall-out and now we meet in secret (very rarely as I have the baby all the time - we have met about 5 times in a year) and communicate by text. I know this is terrible but without this friend I would have nobody at all.
We were virtually housebound til December due to feeding issues - she vomited constantly and I dreaded a group situation. In December I steeled myself and joined baby swimming and sensory but I find it an ordeal. I'm friendly to people but they don't seem to warm to me and I never make long term friends from these groups. I don't understand how to make friends like that.
We have no family around and DH and I haven't been out as a couple for 3 years. We haven't had sex for over a year. He is wonderful but works a lot and I do not get any 'me time'. I look and feel a mess, most days I don't get properly dressed. If it wasn't for all the hospital visits I would've spent my entire mat leave in my pyjamas.
I don't know why I'm posting this really, I just am having a particularly bad day - I did something terrible earlier and upset my baby by trying to get her to eat, and now I'm struggling to forgive myself for it. I think I just need some help but I don't know what sort or where from.