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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What happens next ???!

13 replies

hotwheelsmum · 07/03/2014 07:32

I've written before about my argumentative toxic relationship with husband. Since last post have discussed separation and this week he has stayed in a hotel for some thinking space. This week at home as been great I've realised I can cope really well on my own and my 2 DS's have thrived in the stress free atmosphere. We've laughed / danced and are happy. The worry now is that he has had a horrible week and wants to talk reconciliation it's not what I want at all but he is still trying to control me by name calling and telling me we should stay together for kids. I hate feeling like a family wrecker but I can't live in the extreme unhappiness anymore. Has anyone been in a similar experience and can give me positive feedback !!?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2014 07:37

Of course he wants to talk reconciliation.. Hmm No fun being a bully when you're cooling your heels in a room somewhere & your victims are happy, dancing and taking no notice of you is it? I think you should say that you're not interested in reconciliation and get yourself some legal advice on how to make the split permanent. You're not a family wrecker.... by the sound of it your family (you and the DSs) have been finally able to relax and enjoy being a family. Your kids deserve to live like that all the time and so do you.

Good luck and get legal advice. He can stay right where he is.

RollerCola · 07/03/2014 07:40

Glad to hear you've had a good week. This is the key - it would be like this all the time if you separated.

Don't think of it as splitting up the family. The kids will be fine having two homes, and if you do it right they can see their dad just as much if not more than they do now.

Have the talk and see how he feels. He might have had a good week too. Stand your ground and don't let him force you to reconcile if it's not what you want. Think of yourself now.

Good luck!

RollerCola · 07/03/2014 07:41

Ps we do a lot of dancing and laughing now too, it's fantastic!

coalscuttle · 07/03/2014 07:42

That fact that he is name calling whilst trying to get you to reconciliation says it all op. I left my abusive h last year, in the process of getting divorced, but the most stressful things about that are not as bad as my everyday life was with him. DS is like a different child and yours will be too. Don't let him back. You are not the home wrecker, he is. Read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

coalscuttle · 07/03/2014 07:43

DS and I do dancing too! Grin

JeanSeberg · 07/03/2014 07:43

What happens next?

You continue to take control and get legal advice as CES says. A lot of solicitors will offer a free half-hour consultation so use this opportunity to get all the facts - knowledge is power.

You can also apply for a legal separation as a pre-cursor to divorce:

www.gov.uk/legal-separation

This will send him a clear message that this week wasn't just a case of him staying him for a few days and then returning home to carry on as 'normal'.

The main thing to do is keep strong and don't let him talk you into taking him back.

is there a plan to meet and talk over the weekend? Is he expecting to return home at some point?

ShimmeringInTheSun · 07/03/2014 07:47

He's name calling and wants a reconciliation?

The two don't seem to go together somehow.

Hold on to those images of you and your DC's being relaxed, happy, and dancing around the room, and give yourself the positive result you need. Flowers.

And yes, I've been where you are right now, I've since spent the following 30 years single.....and loved it, as did my son, for no child needs a poisonous atmosphere to live in.

Staying together for the children's sake? I don't think so - his own sake, yes!

Original poster
hotwheelsmum · 07/03/2014 07:53

Thanks so much for theses replies this is what I needed to hear. I'm going to be strong, make things better for the boys and get legal advice
Appreciate the replies thanks

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2014 08:08

And he's not moving back in either?

Joysmum · 07/03/2014 08:32

So you and the kids have been so much happier and you're concerned about making that permanent?

How's that logical?

Jan45 · 07/03/2014 15:36

You are not a family wrecker, you are trying to do the best for your kids. Please do your best to ignore this juvenile bully, he's not worth a minute of your time. You don't need him.

neiljames77 · 07/03/2014 16:20

I'm in exactly the same position. Even down to the fact that my wife has been away for a week. There's not been one single argument while she's been away. It's convinced me more than ever that separating was and is the right choice.

dogsnfrogs · 07/03/2014 16:34

You are not a family wrecker. He and his abusive behaviour have already wrecked it. Please don't let your boys grow up thinking that controlling and name calling is an acceptable way to behave towards women.

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