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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help, What do you call your cheating husband?

73 replies

no5 · 06/03/2014 16:02

I just found out. I feel numb and I dont feel sad or upset. I'm angry and I'm in shock, never in million years I will be writing this. I dont shout or use much swear words in RL, I can't think of what to call him. I can only think of cheating bustard, heartless, deceitful, two faced, dickhead, what else.... Is it normal? I thought I will be smashing all his gadgets, spraying his car with paint, and cutting his clothes into hundred peices. But I dont feel like that, I dont understand? Help me.... When he come home I want to shout and call hime names and what him know he hurt me so badly. And I want answer for my questions. I want to talk but the same time I dont want to talk to anyone in RL.

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 06/03/2014 19:04

Dearest girl, as you say, you're numb right now - bit like when you cut yourself, the nerve endings don't really register for a bit.

Believe me, very soon you'll be bloody FURIOUS - as you should be, a very natural reaction. I like SmilesandPiles's and other's suggestions, though - try being very cold and disdainful. You've had some great advice here. Make yourself VERY proactive in gathering together information about finances, housing, that essential legal stuff ... in a weird sort of way, it's quite satisfying, knowing you're well armed for whatever the lying, cheating shit throws at you. It's going to be a helter skelter emotional ride but you'll come through it. But getting some legal advice should be your priority.

Cringechilli · 06/03/2014 19:07

An adulterer.

mineofuselessinformation · 06/03/2014 19:31

Fucker would be appropriate - but I would channel icy calm if I could in your position and say nothing other then 'get out' after slapping copies of everything in front of him.

Bogeyface · 06/03/2014 19:41

Cunt

oldgrandmama · 06/03/2014 20:16

A P.S. to my last post, OP. Have a look at this site:
chumplady.com/

Original poster
no5 · 06/03/2014 20:53

So far so good. Had meal and laughed. Kids in bed, now it's time to show him what I found. Wish me good luck. he is not lashing type, but never know. I'm no good at confronting either. But I must do it now.

OP posts:
Sparklysilversequins · 06/03/2014 21:34

Mine was in my phone as "El Cunto" but I am not sure how helpful that is.....

mydaftlass · 06/03/2014 21:52

Good luck. Confrontation them is horrible.

mydaftlass · 06/03/2014 21:52

*confronting

Fairenuff · 06/03/2014 21:56

Things that make him feel tiny. Like 'disappointed that you are so pathetic' and 'let down by a weak man', or 'sad to see you so lacking'. These are the kind of words that will haunt him.

You don't have to shout and swear. Cold and calm is even scarier.

Original poster
no5 · 07/03/2014 09:54

All good. He broke down in tears and admitted. As per script it made him young. Did not shout, guess I talked little louder at some point. And I did not chuck him out either. This morning we played happy family. He took kids to school and gone to get STD test. I'm now at solicitor's to get some advice about divorce. It's horrible, I still feel numb and cold. I want some time to think. I read through lots here and also in Divorce. I know I'm not alone but I feel like only woman on earth having to deal with shitty cheating husband. What next?

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 07/03/2014 10:02

What next?

Tell him to move out.

Glad you are already at the solicitor's.

Smilesandpiles · 07/03/2014 10:04

Try to get some savings together - every single penny helps at this stage.

Ask your solicitor about maintainence payments for the children.

You both need to talk about what you are going to do about the house. If you both decide that you need to stay in it - then the first thing is getting the bills transfered into your name, you can talk about the ownership later on when you are in a better position mentally.

Any debts need to be sorted out - now.

If it's rent, the rent needs to sorted out, either transfered to your name and him move out, or both move out and you get your own place if you can afford it.

If you are working - let your boss know, they may be more flexable with time off because of your appointments you will need to make.

If you are not wokring, I would go to CAB and find out what you may be able to get until you are on your feet.

Call your mates, go out, get wasted and tell them, you will need them over the next few months.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/03/2014 10:19

Next?...

Pack all of his stuff into bin bags.

Make sure you check all bank accounts and ensure he cannot wipe them out. You may need to contact the banks and ask them to alert you to any strange transactions.

Make sure you have all paperwork in a safe place, i.e. passports, bank account details, any of his wage slips to proove income, birth certificates, etc....

Talk to CAB and find out what you are entitled to as a single non-working parent. Make sure all benefits go into an account in your name only.

Contact CSA to get maintenance payments in place as quickly as possible.

Contact family and friends, let them know what is happening and ask for support. Get a good friend round for some raging!

Follow through with any advice from solicitor regarding mortgage or rent.

Original poster
no5 · 07/03/2014 10:33

What is CAB and CSA? Thank you for your support, it really means a lot. I wish my mum was near. I have freinds but I really don't want to talk to anyone in RL at the moment. I kept him in the house because I could not bare to answer my chidlren. They adore him, and he is best thing happened to them, they will never forgive me if I make him move out. It really breaks my heart to tell them. Is this normal to think such a thing? Before when I hear people having affairs and all I thought I would kick him out of my house but now I just can't :( I dont understand my feelings. Am I being weak?

OP posts:
Smilesandpiles · 07/03/2014 10:42

CAB - Citizens Advice Bureaux

CSA - Child Support Agency

JeanSeberg · 07/03/2014 10:43

Make it his job to tell them but make sure you are there so he doesn't give them any bullshit about "Mummy made me leave". How old are the children?

Smilesandpiles · 07/03/2014 10:46

A - the kids wont like it but they will get used to it. Don't give them the option. You have to kick him out or you will make yourself miserable which is a damn sight worse for your kids, than a short shock of him moving out.

Think ripping off a plaster when it comes to talking to the kids.

They will forgive you, they just need to get used to the idea that's all.

You are not being weak, just scared and grieving for a future you thought you would all have.

Being a lone parent isn't as bad as you think. It can be tough but it mostly isn't. The first year is the worse, after that it gets a lot easier a lot quicker.

Bogeyface · 07/03/2014 14:01

If you dont want him to leave then dont ask him to. No one can tell you what is right for you.

Do you want a divorce or do you want to try and work through this?

handfulofcottonbuds · 07/03/2014 17:49

no5 - you say you're not British and English isn't your first language, are you in the UK?

If you're in another country then the CSA and CAB won't make much sense to you, if you're in another country then maybe some MNers can advise you.

From your posts and the calm approach you have taken, you sound like an amazing Mum, putting your children first in this. I'm just so sorry that he couldn't do the same.

Original poster
no5 · 08/03/2014 20:34

I'm in UK. But I haven't called CAB or CSA yet. Thank you for information, but I dont know what I need to tell them. He's been and done STD test on everything including HIV. Results will be ready end of next week. The solicitor was good, asked a lot about of divorce procedure/financial assets. As long as we own the house and got money in the bank and not having any debts and loan, seems straight forward. We talked a lot last 2 days, he does not want divorce, and agreed to end it with OW asap. Then this evening we argued because he insisted to end it face to face. I got angry shouted at him told him if he wants to end then he had to end by email and never see her again. I was mad at him having to have that care for OW. He should be worrying about what I feel and what is best for us. I still not told him what my decision is because I don't have one. I might have him, I might leave him. For the time being we are playing happy family. We still share bed, just for the sake of children because they come to our bed in the early hours of morning. What bothering me is the arguement we had this evening. I think he was hesitant because he wanted to do what he planned, not what I wanted Angry Not because he wanted to keep the break secret private from me. Anyway, his other email, FB, Skype accounts deleted and email sent from his main account. Does other OW care, will she try to lure my husband back? Should I brace myself for arguements? Guess this not end, this is just start?

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 08/03/2014 21:56

You have to get angry, get some self-respect and get him out. Seriously.

End it ASAP?

Fuck that.

handfulofcottonbuds · 08/03/2014 22:06

Jean, I think you're being a little harsh. The OP only found out 2 days ago, she has so far managed to see a solicitor and get some advice - this is far quicker than most of us who have been in her situation did so soon. From what I have read, the OP has lots of self-respect and is constantly thinking of her DCs in all this. When I was going through this, especially in the early days, I appreciated the support and not once was I told to get some self-respect, which quite frankly would have tipped me over the edge.

No5 - yes, I'm afraid this is the start but you have done so well in a short space of time. If your husband is truly sorry then you're right, he needs to end it with the OW over email or text then block all contact. After all, he didn't have the respect for you and your DCs while he was with her so why is he showing her the respect by meeting her to say it's over?

Do what you need to do and in your own time. You will go through a mountain of different emotions. You will know what the right thing to do is when the time is right for you.

I do think he needs to move out and give you some space though to deal with what you have just found out.

memyselfandl · 08/03/2014 22:10

He is not some prize to be won. I think he is hoping that is he sees the OW face to face she might just offer to have him full time. He just doesn't seem to be begging forgiveness and trying to make his marriage work-he has more consideration of the OW's feeling than your.
Now is the time for you to call the shots. Make his leave--if he goes to her it will just prove that you are well shot of the twat.
It is when he sees what he is throwing away and that you are taking control back then his true feelings and intentions will be clear.
Get your self respect back now

BeforeAndAfter · 08/03/2014 22:15

No5 - you have been so strong thus far and I know how difficult it is.

I cannot emphasise enough that your DH must not see OW to break off the relationship. I let my ex do that. He went to see OW to end things and came back two hours later than the agreed deadline and then sat outside in the car on the phone to her for another hour as she talked him round.

I think that every time they see the OW it refreshes their feelings and they remember the good times with OW and it damages the marriage a bit more.

Stay strong and stick to your guns about him not seeing OW.