AIBU to try and get along with my ex abusive partner for the sake of my DD

[mamatomoomin]

Whenever I've posted on mumsnet it has always helped me to work through difficult situations and I've found the advice given on here invaluable. So I'm experiencing another issue and would really appreciate anyone's opinion.

Background:
One DD who will be 3 on Sunday, broke up with ex over 2 years ago. He was emotionally and physically abusive and DD and I ended up spending some time in refuge. However, not excusing or minimising his behaviour at all but to update, he has been doing a perpetrator programme for around 5 months now, has admitted to everything even in court and is basically playing a much more positive role in DD's life. I have no plans to get back with him and I truly believe he has no plans to get back with me. Although it is sad and of course I have thought about it, the reality is it would never work, I would never trust him enough and I now have far more confidence than I ever did and know I deserve better.

This year will be the first year that it may be possible for XP to see DD on her birthday. We have been working well together for DD and very rarely argue - any arguments have always been resolved and no physical violence has occurred since the end of our relationship. we have split Christmas presents and now all the costs for her birthday between us and he has offered to make food for her party and has bought things for party bags etc. It's annoying (beyond belief really) that this is the first year he has done this but all the same I am glad to have some help and it is so good to be able to cooperate and do nice things for DD together.

DD is having a traditional party at home with her friends and a few of my close ones. She has asked several times for her Dad to come. As I no longer fear my ex and seeing as things have been going well with no major abusive situations for about a year and half , I feel that I would be comfortable with this and would be happy that DD would be happy to have her dad here. I thought I should run it by a couple of friends first just to give them a heads up that he may be coming and I've had quite a negative reaction. They've said things like 'he doesn't deserve to be there' 'it would make me (friends) feel awkward' 'why would you want him in your house?' and just generally made me feel like I must be mad for even thinking it might be a nice idea. I appreciate they care and I understand why they say these things but perhaps they don't understand that actually this is our life and we have to live with it everyday!

I personally feel that I have lived with abuse and the after effects for several years now and I am sick and tired of domestic violence being associated with who I am. I'm not just a victim, I'm a strong person, a mother, a friend, a real person with interests and ambitions. I'm not depressed and scared every day and I hate having to be reminded about that terrible time. I'm not in denial, I will never forget or make light of what he did to us and how much pain he caused me but he is going to be in my life and DDs for at least the next 15 years , so if its going well and we are being amicable and he is helping out, then surely this is the best thing? yes he doesn't deserve to be there but DD deserves to have a nice birthday and the best possible relationship with her dad as is possible. my dd is becoming more aware of relationships and life in general and I don't want her to pick up on anything or think her parents have a weird relationship because we can't communicate when in fact we are able to get on very well. Sorry this is so long, just want to know what you think, is this a step too far to try and have a good relationship with DD's dad despite the past and is it reasonable to have him at her birthday party?

mama with the additional info, I can see your side; being able to only visit at a contact centre would mean that he couldn't celebrate it with her in a usual way. Given that you are the one that is withholding unsupervised contact, him being there at the party seems a compromise. With your friends though, they are entitled to their view and if they feel uncomfortable and say they will not attend then you would need to respect that. Obviously if they try and pressure you into not letting him come then that is not reasonable.

You make an interesting point about the courts allowing some abusers access to their children as it is unproven/they don't admit it. It does seem unfair that those fathers get rewarded for lying whereas some fathers like your DDs who have admitted it get punished for telling the truth.

The thing is mama, you will get people who will agree with you, and others who will disagree, and the numbers one each side really don't make your decision 'right' or 'wrong'. It is your decision, make the one that feels right to you :-)

thank you chocolate, that's really nice of you. you're right, people will give advice, all of which is valid and has truth to it, but only I can decide what I think is best in my own life. So far, I've always tried to make the right choice, whatever that may be!

Going through the court system for over 18 months, it has been a real eye opener. I don't just say this because I've not had the outcome I've always wanted, but even my solicitor says the whole family court system is a mess and decisions that are made are down to what judge or magistrates you are given on the day. For instance, last time we were in court I'd asked for the court to agree to the disclosure of a thorough report from the DVPP about XP's progress and any concerns they may have. We were due to have a particular legal adviser on the day and my solicitor said that they wouldn't agree however due to last minute delays we ended up going in with a different legal adviser who agreed to everything without question! The courts claim to be about the best interest of the child however I have constantly been reminded about how much time and money our case is using up! XP has admitted abuse to CAFCASS who then when writing up the report have said in their opinion it wasn't abuse!

You're also right about respecting my friends decisions, I hope I would always try to do that as they have been there for me through so much.

thanks again.

what ahs happened will never go away, won't people always feel funny about it? Yes they will probably always feel weird in a polite chit chat situation with him. They'll always be a bit nervous of their DC being around him. It would be strange if they didn't. He abused you. If they see you desperately pretending everything's peachy they'll feel even weirder. You can't have a tension-free social event if he is there with people who know he abused you.

She is 3. She has no idea how to handle difficult emotions. You have to teach her. If you make his absence from the party "devastating" then it will be. If you do what hellsbells suggested then it'll be fine. If you take chocolates attitude then it'll be fine.

"I've been crying because I'm so devastated for my daughter, she'll be gutted ... the feeling of rejection and let down could stay with her in the subconscious forever. " and "she has had constant let down and rejection in her life". Are you perhaps projecting? She is 3. She has a loving mother. A mother who 2 years ago found the strength to protect her. That's all she needs. Plenty of kids grow up just fine with one parent.

Do you really want to teach your daughter that a man is essential to feelings of self-worth? That it is better to be loved by an abusive man than to have no man around? Because that's the very very clear message coming across here.

He rejected her and let her down the moment he started abusing you. One day she will know all about it. How will your DD feel then?

What if he slips back to his old ways? How will your DD feel then?

Have you had counselling?

I wouldn't I am sorry and having a mum on eggshells be it from friends reactions or dad's behaviour is not going to make for a good party. I wouldn't be encouraging to be in your house (your home/haven) either.
Could he not take her out in the morning?
I agree with the other poster. Boundaries need to be firm especially when abuse has occurred.

desperately pretending everything's peachy I am in no way doing this, if I was I wouldn't be insisting that he completes the DVPP. I think the fact that I have raised the issue with my friends and on here shows that it is troubling me and so again, I do not feel that I am pretending everything is ok. I said in OP that I will never minimise what happened or excise his behaviour. But what am I meant to do? Carry on crying about it every day? It's been over 2 years.

That it is better to be loved by an abusive man than to have no man around? I don't think this is the message I have given her at all, otherwise why would I have spent 6 months living in refuge, gone through the court to sort out access and made clear he must complete the DVPP? When my daughter is old enough and wants to know the truth I'll tell her, and I hope she can see and understand the reasons why her parents aren't together but how it is possible to move on (not forget or even forgive) but do what is best for our children.

What if he slips back to his old ways yes he is more than likely to do this, he has a personality disorder as well as being abusive, we are doing all that we can to lessen the chances of that happening but what can I do? I can't change him , he's going to be in her life, I'll be here for her if and when he does.

I've had 10 months worth of counselling, specifically about abuse and my counsellor actually ended it with me as she said I'm strong enough to deal with things on my own now and that I didn't need her anymore.

wannabestressfree - thanks for your comments, I'm afraid he is unable to take her out as contact must be supported at the moment. I could go with him but as you can imagine, am going to have enough to do at home getting ready for her party.

My DH has been absent from some of our DCs parties, and they were older than 3 and able to remember. (He sometimes had to work away.) It has in no way scared them for life.
In fact I don't think any of mine had a party at 3.

mummytime: but you have a DH? my daughter has barely had a dad most of her life. yes your husband may not have been there but at least they knew theyd be seeing him soon. unfortunately my daughter has not had that luxury, and unfortunately although flame me for being dramatic she will be scarred for life because of things that happened when she was very small.

She won't be scarred for life......
As much as I understand contact must be supported I am not sure that the party is the right time to do it. And I think he needs to understand that.

I grew up not knowing my Father, and it was fine! Actually I feel slightly guilty towards the children who had to put up with him whilst they were growing up.

My mother had very good reasons to avoid all contact with him, and it was the right decision. When I was old enough to know a bit I understood why. My mother kept me safe, and didn't torture herself over "a child needs a father".

Sometimes less contact is better.

Children often reflect back what they sense you want to hear. So they will seem keen on seeing someone to please you.

Hi OP,
Ive read your whole thread and I think you have been quite scarred by your mum not allowing you contact with your own dad and that this is affecting your feelings about DD's birthday and other aspects of having her dad in her life. You have been very strong and set boundaries and it probably is best to stick to those boundaries for now. Your DD really won't remember and as Cogito said, as long as you put a positive spin on it for her.. "daddy cby wait to see you and watch you open your present' etc it won't be traumatic at all.
Your DD does and will continue to have a relationship with her dad which I agree with you is the right thing. But he needs to know that you are very firm about your boundaries or who knows what may happen; he may feel he can take advantage of you again. I am concerned that if he goes to the party your DD may start asking for him more and you will feel more misplaced guilt.
I split from my DS's abusive dad when he was 5 months and I have always made sure they have a relationship, as I felt it was right. It took time and patience but they are very close and DS now spends every other weekend and some of the holidays with his dad and his lovely wife. No need to rush things.
You sound very strong, thoughtful and loving by the way.

Hi charley, thank you for your kind comments and for reading the thread. You may be right, I think I definitely have been affected by my own childhood and want such a different experience for my own daughter. I'm sorry that you've experienced an abusive relationship too but it is great you a free from that now and is good to hear someone else who agrees that a relationship between dad and child is important even if there has been abuse.

I've been thinking (a lot!) and wondered if it is relevant to make let you know that this won' t be the first time that DD has had her dad come round or do things together for her. For example, we both attended her nativity play at nursery together and went for food after and he has also been round here on a few occasions to help out with watching her while I study (make tea, bring round shopping etc). He is also currently helping me do up the garden as we are making a play area for her. So, in that sense she is used to seeing him in this sort of situation. I know some people will think it is weird and irresponsible to have him involved like this but it is only for things that are to do with helping DD and I kind of feel like well why shouldn't he help out , we both brought her into this world!

Times ticking and I'll need to make a decision soon and thanks again to everyone for all your input.

P.S. I don't want this always to be the situation that he is round here to help, but a temporary measure to get them both used to being in real life situations with one another before he has her on his own (when he can do her washing etc at his home).

I think your intentions are good but having him too closely involved in your life - not just DD's life - is asking for trouble. It's supervised access for a reason

I am many years down this path, my children were very small when we divorced ,my exh has quite serious issues which he does his best to deal with but sometimes he doesn't manage it.
I had/have no residual feelings for him, so my relationship was purely based on what I felt was best for the kids. I think that is at the heart of this is that 'I' make the decisions , I steer this families ship , I make the best decisions about my family my ex is not able to do this( he would admit this).
As part of this is recognising that we are all doing our best, I (we) love our kids and although this path (like many others) is not ideal I feel no guilt about what I am doing, rather the opposite ,I am proud off pulling us all (probably including my ex) through this.
You should hold your head up high, be proud, lay off the guilt, that's not yours to carry . Be kind to yourself

Why would you want to risk your DDs party being strained and awkward? That is a far likelier outcome than happy families.

It's clear you want the best for your daughter. It is clear you want him at the party. Sorry if I came across as harsh. Please accept this peace offering .

It is probably me projecting not you. It gives me the rage when I'm told I am so 'lucky' my family made 'so much effort' to make sure I had 'a relationship' with someone with a personality disorder (narc DM not abusive DF). Most people took still take the attitude 'she's your mother, you must love each other'.

You want him in your lives because you think that will be good for your DD's future mental health. You think his presence is unavoidable. I disagree on both counts. However I am just a stranger on tinternet.

Have you read any of the stately home threads? You might get tips on how to support/protect your daughter in her relationship with him.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Maintain your friendships. I truly hope it works out for you. Good luck.

I agree with Cogito. I'm a bit confused too as I thought he just saw DD in the contact centre. Sounds like your ex is on best behaviour now but those boundaries are for a reason. Tbh I didn't set good boundaries with my ex and it was a nightmare for me for years because of this. (DS is 10 now), and I wish I had done it differently. I'm glad they are close but they would still have been close if I was stricter with ex.
I think you should stick to those set boundaries for now.
Is it nosey to ask how abusive he was, and does he have other problems.. Mental health, drug alcohol problems.