what's wrong?

[dalziel1]

Had another argument with DH this morning. This one was because I was feeling ill last night so went to bed early. Then this morning, both children were very tired. especially DS1 (age 11). He has a condition that means that he must have a bedtime routine and it can't be varied unless absolutely vital.
So, last night he went to bed an hour late because DH didn't bother to insist that he went to bed. Apparently a fascinating documentary was coming on the TV and they watched it together instead.
DS's condition means that once he loses his routine, it takes a while to re-establish it and in the meantime, he suffers from extreme tiredness.
Dh says he didn't bother telling the children that it was bedtime because a. they ignore him and b. the programme looked like it would be interesting.

They don't ignore me btw and we do have a PVR so it could have been taped and watched this evening.

DH is a good father but recently when I've left him to look after the children, there's been a few times when he just hasn't done stuff e.g. make lunch. Then i get back late afternoon and I can't understand why they are so hungry. I tell them that its their problem if they didn't eat their lunch, then I find out that DH wasn't hungry so there wasn't any lunch (and anyway he thought he'd wait for me in case I had something planned). I went out at 11:30, he knew I'd be gone for hours and anyway, in case of doubt, I had my mobile with me.

I am beginning to feel like an ogre within my family, making rules and telling my husband off.

What's wrong is that you've got DCs and a DH that can't or won't think like a grown-up. Anything for an easy life for him, isn't it, because he knows you'll clear up the mess? I don't think you should be making rules or telling a partner off. Is he the one dealing with DS's extreme tiredness?

He sounds like both a rubbish father to them as well as a H to you frankly. The words selfish and self absorbed spring to mind when it comes to him.

What do you get out of this relationship with this man now?.

Women often write such justifying tosh like the "good father" comment as well when they themselves have NOTHING positive to write about their man.

He doesn't feed the children? Never mind the rest. He is a terrible father!

I do think you need to tell him he needs to stand up and be a proper father, or lose the family he neglects.

What will you do the next time he doesn't feed the children or messes up with DS1's routine?

BTW, his behaviour makes me think he's punishing you through the children.

He is a loving, interested father and a loving, supportive husband.

I'm the one who identifies problems with the children, works out what is wrong, researches how to fix it and attends the meetings/ write the emails/ letters until a solution is in place. DH knows about it every step of the way, but he leaves it to me to do it all. I wish he'd do more, but he says that I'd never be able to stand aside and let him (he may be right!).

By getting so annoyed with him, I feel that I am emasculating him. That's bad in itself but we have sons and I don't want them growing up thinking they should kowtow to the woman (or vice versa). Its a partnership and that's the only thing it should ever be.

If it's a partnership, treat him as a partner. If this was a working partnership in a business situation, you'd divide things between you and play to each other's strengths. Maybe you do have to stand aside and let him do things his own way more often. Nothing more off-putting than embarking on something and thinking 'I'll get told I've done it all wrong'. Why bother?

I so want to do that, CogitoErgoSometimes, its just I find I can't when it comes to the important stuff.

I think you are beating yourself for something that it's not your fault. He says you'd not let him, but has he tried? Has he actually shown any initiative, even actual support, or just listens?

Why doesn't he go to meetings as well?

And him not feeding the children, or maintaining important bedtime routines, goes totally against this statement "He is a loving, interested father and a loving, supportive husband."

What do you base it on? Or is it just your hopes?

But why is that?. Are you afraid of relinquishing control out of fear that he will somehow mess up?. This is what my MIL does with the result being my FIL just sits back and lets her get on with it. It does not work at all. If you are doing it all because he cannot be asked then that is a
different issue entirely.

What do you get out of this relationship with your H now?.

Is he really that good a father or H to you or would you really just like to think or give yourself the impression that he is?. The two examples of his behaviour you gave showed him in a really poor light.

Sorry, I can't get over the "He wasn't hungry, so he didn't feed the (presumably quite hungry) children" issue! WTAF? That's outrageous behaviour from anyone, never mind a supposedly 'loving, interested' father.

*He is a loving, interested father and a loving, supportive husband.

I'm the one who identifies problems with the children, works out what is wrong, researches how to fix it and attends the meetings/ write the emails/ letters until a solution is in place. DH knows about it every step of the way, but he leaves it to me to do it all.*

Is it just me or is there a massive contradiction between your first paragraph and your second here?

Sorry, bold fail.

And yes, I agree about the 'I'm not hungry so the kids don't eat' thing - utterly crap. It's not being a good, interested father - it's borderline neglectful.

The thing is, you don't get to cherrypick the nice bits of a relationship - the sunshine, laughter, and the days out - and ignore the responsible side - which includes making dinner and keeping to a routine that is medically necessary. The way that he's behaving is not loving or caring - it's childish in the extreme.

I am a bit worried that you think that taking a stand on this would be 'emasculating' for him. I would suggest to you an alternative view: that he is emasculating himself by behaving in a way that is more reminiscent of a boy in his early teens than a grown man, and that you as an adult woman have every right to express normal indignation that he's not doing the basics that one would expect of any parent.

I do think that perhaps you need to find a way of communicating with him that goes beyond nagging, or 'being an ogre': that allows you to articulate what kind of parents you want to be, and to develop a list of actions that are important to ensure that this occurs (feeding the kids on time is definitely one!).

I'm afraid that men who don't pull their weight can become a millstone around the necks of the women to whom they are attached. I fear for you a little bit, OP.

My exP used to do exactly this, about lunch, or bedtime. He 'forgot' things. The thing is when you KNOW you cannot rely on your partner, even if you don't admit it to yourself, you just do everything, because your children are too important for these things to be messed up. YOU know that, your DH doesn't. Because it wasn't about him, it wasn't important. And 'you won't let me' is just a way of saying 'I'm not going to get off my arse and I'm going to blame you for it too'.

He is my ex for good reason. The DC end up believing they are not important either.

he says that I'd never be able to stand aside and let him (he may be right!).

Well, you stood aside and let him get lunch for his own damn children and he fucked that up, so I'm not sure he really has a leg to stand on. You may or may not be a bit of a micro-manager but this sounds like a far more basic problem to me.

Because it wasn't about him, it wasn't important. And 'you won't let me' is just a way of saying 'I'm not going to get off my arse and I'm going to blame you for it too'

This.

It sounds like you have three DCs not two. He's not their fun big brother.