I apologise in advance for how long this will be.
I was a single mother of 2 when I first met my partner. I had come out of an abusive relationship with my children's father. I will be honest the first time I saw him I thought he was bad news. I never really went out and it was on my second night out I saw him. He seemed to "select" me and follow me around from the first I really wasn't flattered I found him almost desperate in his pursuit although he was/is very attractive. Anyway I escaped but we had a mutual friend so when we met up another 5 months later I was interested and he was still. We got on really well and I fell in love with him he had some truly lovely traits in fact he has a good personality unless he is drunk. We saw each other for a few months but it became very apparent that he had real drinking problems and I found myself becoming too accommodating of his needs ahead of those of my children. He accused me of cheating and had tried to give me responsibility for preventing him drinking so much which sparked arguments that I couldn't and didn't want to deal with so I dumped him.
Two years later and I still heard from him now and then and I was reminded of how lovely he is and so I went to see him. He had a girlfriend at the time which was fine of course but the feelings and the chemistry was still there. I did some work for him in a house he was renovating. He broke up with his girlfriend as he didn't see a future with her. We got back together and he introduced me to his family and his children from a previous relationship. The problem with the drinking was still there though but not quite as bad however again I found myself not doing what I needed and I guess not saying what I thought or being how I wanted to. He was vile when hung over and then became increasingly more often.
I fell pregnant after a year of us being together. I really shouldn't have as in it ought not to have been possible but obviously we had talked of marriage and children and we practically lived together albeit split between each of our houses. I was given the ultimatum either have an abortion or go it alone. He said his family and his ex wife and children would not accept us having a child out of wed lock but also that he did not want to be trapped with me and he would hate and resent both me and t he baby forever. This was not a man who loved me or had any intention of spending the rest of his life with me so I chose the baby. He then decided he was suicidal and took to leaving evil cruel messages but I just repeated your choice please get help to deal with your drinking. He then got a new girlfriend which he rejoiced in telling me about and I told myself I made a lucky escape.
I got everything ready, bought a house went to work looked after children and accepted that I was alone. Every day I picked myself up and kept going I have no real friends and didn't tell my parents who live oversees. He kept contacting me but only in the middle of the night drunk and suicidal because of me. The new girlfriend now had breast cancer. I moved house he didn't need to know where I lived I didn't have to pick up the phone I didn't have to keep listening and getting so stressed and upset but I did. I took pity on him because he was so upset. Then sure enough I let him come round and it was back to square one except he was angry and he wanted consolation regarding the difficulties he was having emotionally dealing with his cancer riddled "soul mate" however I should be happy because he was there with me.
Despite his original proclamations of being sorry for dumping me it became oh well you dumped yourself and if I said I was scared uncomfortable etc I was told oh I didn't tell you to be pregnant. He wanted to come round and get drunk or he wouldn't come at all. In the end he wasn't there for the birth he decided to have his children and he came for ten minutes when I told him she was born and didn't come again for a week I was completely alone.
When I asked it was because he didn't want to be with me anymore in case I got pregnant again! I was still bleeding and hadn't even considered sex yet I was dumped alone because he didn't want another baby! I thought he must be joking but now I realise he wasn't. That's because in spite of that I still let him turn up when he feels. It sounds petty maybe but he doesn't even put a kiss not the end of text messages and he never asks how I am or how his child is. We hit an all time low last week when he turned up with his mate. The same mate who told him I was trapping him and he should stay away from me because I was trying to screw him for CSA. My children were sat there at the table eating their dinner and I hid in the kitchen. I was told I should at leAst offer him a drink. His friend asked me whether she slept etc I wanted him out of my house I was rude but I answered and waited for him to go. Why does this matter well it is my house my safety invaded by someone who thinks I am a piece of rubbish and the baby ought not exist.
Anyway I was ignored for the week and I admit I am hurt I find myself always waiting to hear from him. No one else ever calls I have no friends and the kids adore him. Saturday comes and I tell myself my children live me and they need me to be happy and with it. Yet. Of course 3am Sunday morning he texts to say he is so depressed he just wants a hug. I read this at 9 am I didn't respond surely he is somewhere sleeping it off but no 10:30 he calls on my house phone wants to see the baby can he come round. Sure I said yes again except what he wants is to hug the baby, be fed and then go to bed because he is horny when he is hung over and it helps him sleep. And I allow myself to be used. Sure I am good I give the food I put the baby to sleep I leave the kids to watch tv and I give myself. I don't enjoy it I feel used and dirty. He goes to sleep and I go make the kids lunch telling them to be quiet for him. When the baby wakes I go and get her so he can sleep. The kids ran up and disturbed him so he comes down to tell me he is leaving because he needs his sleep it is 2pm and I was almost apologetic.
That was yesterday. I didn't sleep last night because I was disgusted with myself again. That I am hurt. That I allow my children to see this Uncle come and go and that I have zero self respect. That I have this little baby that he won't even tell his Family about. That I always respond and that each time I am hopeful. If he loved and had any respect he wouldnt have dumped me for being pregnant so what am I doing to myself and my children and why do I allow it to happen. How do I rebuild my self esteem and my confidence and put a stop to this? Am I depressed? Why am I so weak and stupid now?