another mother rant

[wannaBe1974]

Some maySome may be aware that I've had gripes about my mother before. Generally she's very controlling, needs to know my every move, if I'm not at home she rings my mobile, if not on mobile she's been known to drive around the neighbourhood looking for me, and if she's ever at my house and my phone rings she demands to know who it is etc. She is very judgmental of how I bring up ds, and is ve opinionated over things she doesn't agree with. She visits only to see my ds, would make a point of asking how her baby was when she called to ask about him when he was a baby.

As a result I have backed off from her a lot. We do talk regularly, but I don't confide anything in her because A she can't keep her mouth shut and would tell the world, and B I don't want her knowing most of my business.

Now I feel she's starting to manipulate my ds into making me commit to things I don't want to commit to.

She doesn't look after ds often, occasionally she will babysit if we go out of an evening, and she's had ds over night when we've been to london etc, but she doesn't take him for random days out etc, predominantly because my dh works hard all week and weekends are his time with ds. She does feel that i should hand him over to her on occasion though, and even accused me of taking away his time with her when I put him into nursery (he used to go on a thursday, and thursdays were her afternoon off). She said that he needed to spend time with her rather than with other children his own age. A comment which I ignored.

Anyway, yesterday she had ds for a couple of hours as I had to see someone, when she dropped him back she said "I've told him that coming to my house for tea will be a regular thing now". I was a bit stunned as that def wasn't something she'd discussed with me. Then this morning me and ds were playing and he said "nanny said we're going to her house for Christmas this year". This really annoyed me, I haven't committed to Christmas anywhere, and I don't like her using my ds to tell me where I will be and when

I feel it's not on, but I know that if I mention it to her she will become very defensive and either deny all knowledge, or put it back on me by accusing me of doing something.

Sorry this is so long, and thank you to those still reading

God, families are so difficult; and just when you think you're beginning to get a grip on one thing, they start up with something else.

I really feel for you, and it sounds as if you've been handling this really well. But I think you do need to tackle this head on - regardless of what her reaction is. Just say, calmly, that you don't want her to say these kind of things to ds without checking with you first, as it will only upset ds. And if she keeps doing it, you will have to think hard about leaving them alone together.

And if she does accuse you of doing something, just let it wash over you.

But I think you have the patience of a saint. I think I would be living in New Zealand by now...

You might want to look at my post (Would you ever cut your mother out of your life?)and see some of the responses I have had - it seems that there are far more manipulative mothers around than I realised. Your mum certainly sounds like mine.

Your mum sounds soooo difficult. I'd even label her a passive aggressive. I agree with twocats and tell her that you haven't decided about christmas yet, and you don't like her making arrangements with ds. she has to know her boundaries. sounds like you've made a lot of progress though.

you're absolutely right - it's not on.