Am I in the wrong here? I'm disproportionately pissed off :-(

[SelfishHarridan]

My dh works in interactive TV. A few months ago he was offered extra responsibilities - and extra pay - in the form of a set number of hours of out-of-hours "support work". It involves him being responsible for all emergency calls/bugs/breakdowns to do with the sevices the company provides, overnight and sometimes at weekends. It's usually four week-days running or a full weekend in a month. I was reluctant to agree to it for quite a long time, but now our kids are older (nearly 4 and nearly 2, plus we really need to extra cash, we discussed it and I agreed to it. So far the support days/nights have been pretty active and have resulted in both of us getting very little sleep and both of us - especially him - being grumpy, tired and useless during the day after a night of support. It is worth it for the money, and I haven't complained.

However he has just MSNed me to say that he has volunteered for an extra day/night of support next month. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I am really annoyed that he didn't consult me beore he volunteered for it. If he works extra hours, then effectively I do too - it means me getting up when the "support phone" wakes the kids up, it means being housebound for the evening while he is on support, and sometimes he doesn't manage to get home from work if a support call comes through while he is still there, so it means me doing the evening/bedtime routine without him.

As I say, I don't object to any of that on the basis that I agreed to. I just feel that by volunteering for an extra day of it without consulting me he is treating me like an employee and not considering the fact that if he works extra hours, so do I.

Am I being unreasonable? Sorry for the rant. I know this is pretty trivial compared to what some people are going through. But it has really upset me.

I think he should have talked to you first since it affects you but I don't think it's a huge deal, not worth a big row about. Oooh, I'm mellow today aren't I?

I've a good mind to get my own back on him by accepting something really big and cumbersome on freecycle, like a fridge or a sideboard or something, and then greet him tonight with "Oh, darling, you've got to run up to XXX and pick up a XXX - I didn't think you'd mind". Git. I've explained my point of view really patiently and he is just being a pompous pig about it.

He should really have talked to you first, but I work in support (have managed to stay off on-call rota since I came back from maternity leave, though) so I can imagine that while it's technically "volunteering" he may have been put on the spot a bit. I think you should just tell him politely that you'd like it if he could check with you before he agrees to doing extra days in future, because it does affect the whole family and you both need to agree that it will be something you can plan in. Then if he ignores that next time then you'd be justified in being pissed off.

Well, I did say that lemonaid, but he is being an arrogant swine and hasn't even the good grace to apologise.

I suppose it pisses me off also that it isn't normal for a bloke to say "It's almost definitely fine, but I will need to consult my wife because it affects her too". I don't often feel humiliated or belittled about being a SAHM but this sort of thing makes me want to cry with frustration.

I agree it would have been better had he consulted you first but not sure it's worth getting too worked up about - it sounds like it's a one-off anyway.

Does he know you don't like him working the support hours? And I don't mean tutting/sighing/complaining/nagging (my usual tricks), I mean actually saying to him 'Do you know, I really like it when we can spend evenings together'.
I'd avoid phrasing it as 'I really like it when you're home to help me with the kids' as I suspect he may see doing the bath/bed routine as Work too, so feels he'll either be at home 'working', or at work 'working', and only the latter brings in cash so he may as well do that. But if he sees the alternatives as a) dull boring work or b) cosy evening with Lovely Wife he may be less eager to take on the out-of-hours stuff than if he sees the options as a) quiet adult work or b) screaming children.

And get his work to get the Support phone that has a low-volume or vibrate-only ring so it doesn't wake the kids (or you) up - that strikes me as just unneccesary!

Yes, he knows how I feel about it. We only recently decided it was OK to undertake the support work because we need the money and the kids are less of a problem at night because they are older. We discussed really frankly what it would mean for both of us. I don't do tutting and sighing and passive aggressive stuff - that's more his style than mine. I told him quite bluntly but not rudely that my feelings were hurt by him agreeing to an extra night without consulting me, that the support work affects both of us and that I feel that by not consulting me he has treated me like an employee. He hasn't apologised. In fact he has just emailed me to say he will be half an hour late to meet me and the kids this afternoon (we are supposed to be meeting for a quick picnic as a treat for the kids, which means me making a picnic and walking 2 miles with them, to meet him 5 mins from his office for half an hour - which again I don't mind doing as long as he isn't bloody rude to me)

I'm honestly not generally controlling and I don't resent the support work - it's the volunteering for extra time and taking my input for granted that upsets me.

And I have got a migraine developing and the kids are really looking forward to their picnic with Daddy, so I can't cancel

Not sure what to suggest re the taking-for-granted issue. I am doormat (probably in an evil passive-aggressive way) and can't stand the tension so in this situation would be the first to apologise, just to say 'I'm sorry I got so upset', not to take the blame. This usually makes DH so apologise too and we have Peace with Honour, but I appreciate it won't work for everyone.

FWIW I think support is a pants job, and I can see his outraged thought-bubble: 'God, not only do I have a crap product to support, a bunch of useless stupid clients and a boss who makes me hold their hands when the system hangs at 3am, but now my wife expects me to clear every little thing with her before making a decision about my work!'
Not saying he's right, just that that might be where he's coming from.

Can you squeeze in some quality sofa time before the picnic? Does wonders for impending migraines...

oi mrs b I am doormat

sh
my dh has done the same this week, he is working 12 hr shifts 6pm -6am
if he doesnt alot of people will be laid off as a result
so I am just quietly supporting him, making sure he gets enough sleep and scran

I was a bit peeved at him not consulting me, but what else can i do
take care
xxx

no, really I am

I'm all up for support and having dinner on the table when dh has no choice but to work long hours (four weeks of twelve-hour days coming up - ugh), but if he chose to work extended hours without consultation or warning I can see problems arising.

lol @ mrs b

Hmm, why is the support phone waking the kids? Can he get his support calls in a way that disturbs less of the family? (e.g. a mobile on his side of the bed, etc?)

I agree that him not consulting you sucks, and having him work late also sucks (my DH does the same, although v randomly with no advance notice ). But if you can make the support nights less painful (so only those who must be woken are awake), that would help, too, surely?

(I'd also recommend a noise machine for the little ones, as that covers a lot of other noises - my kids don't even wake up for Guy Fawkes!)

I also agree with lemonaid and suspect there was less of the volunteering aspect to this than you imagine.

According to him he wasn't being coerced, quite the reverse - the reason he didn't consult me was because he was worried if he delayed even by a few minutes someone else woulf get the day, and therefore the money.

If he had asked me, I would have said yes. It just narks me to be taken for granted. I cook all his meals, including his lunches, and iron his clothes, and do all the housework and I don't resent it, because I'm the one at home and it was my choice. It's just that occasionally he makes me feel like an irrelevant "dependent" by making little decisions for both of us.

I know I'm being a cow, I'm just upset and I've got a bad headache, and I need a break, I have no family or friends nearby and dh is being a pig.

I don't think wanting to be treated as an equal is being a cow!

My DH is good about the big stuff, but sometimes he comes over all boss-like on the little things, and I have to call him on it.

Have just got back from picnic, it rained and the kids were horrible and my migraine has set in for the afternoon but I did manage to screw an apology out of dh (not literally )

Thanks for listening to my irritable rant!