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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I in the wrong here? I'm disproportionately pissed off :-(

10 replies

SelfishHarridan · 11/08/2006 11:24

My dh works in interactive TV. A few months ago he was offered extra responsibilities - and extra pay - in the form of a set number of hours of out-of-hours "support work". It involves him being responsible for all emergency calls/bugs/breakdowns to do with the sevices the company provides, overnight and sometimes at weekends. It's usually four week-days running or a full weekend in a month. I was reluctant to agree to it for quite a long time, but now our kids are older (nearly 4 and nearly 2, plus we really need to extra cash, we discussed it and I agreed to it. So far the support days/nights have been pretty active and have resulted in both of us getting very little sleep and both of us - especially him - being grumpy, tired and useless during the day after a night of support. It is worth it for the money, and I haven't complained.

However he has just MSNed me to say that he has volunteered for an extra day/night of support next month. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I am really annoyed that he didn't consult me beore he volunteered for it. If he works extra hours, then effectively I do too - it means me getting up when the "support phone" wakes the kids up, it means being housebound for the evening while he is on support, and sometimes he doesn't manage to get home from work if a support call comes through while he is still there, so it means me doing the evening/bedtime routine without him.

As I say, I don't object to any of that on the basis that I agreed to. I just feel that by volunteering for an extra day of it without consulting me he is treating me like an employee and not considering the fact that if he works extra hours, so do I.

Am I being unreasonable? Sorry for the rant. I know this is pretty trivial compared to what some people are going through. But it has really upset me.

OP posts:
Ags · 11/08/2006 12:15

Don't mean to be harsh but honestly, yes, I think you are being unreasonable. However, I don't walk in your shoes and don't know what else might be going on in your life to make you feel like this.

SelfishHarridan · 11/08/2006 16:51

So would you be happy for your dh to make decisions that affect both of you without consulting you first? Or for him to work overtime without letting you know first?

You haven't said why you think I am being unreasonable. I don't want to be rude, and thank you for responding, but you haven't explained what you mean.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 11/08/2006 16:59

Did you feel railroaded over the initial decision to do it? One extra day doesn't sound like a disaster but sometimes these things have a history which make them more unreasonable than they sound on paper, ime.

bluejelly · 11/08/2006 17:02

I might be a bit annoyed
But then I am a single parent with very little financial/practical support from my ex
Your dh sounds like he is doing a lot to support the family

Can you get him to put his phone on vibrate mode so he doesn't wake teh family if he get a call

Blondilocks · 11/08/2006 17:11

I think if it's just an extra day/night for next month then it's not that bad. If it was a permanent thing every month then I'd be cross if he didn't ask first. Is there a possibility that he helped someone out who wanted to swap a night/day?

Sometimes you aren't able to discuss overtime with OHs. In my case if I need to stay on I just do it and OH understands that I need to stay if I haven't finished what I needed to. Likewise he's often phoned to ask if he can work a day off - he needs to make a decision there and then otherwise they just ring the next person on the list & he misses. I'd be cross if he said yes to a day when we'd planned to do something but most of the time it's fine.

Ags · 11/08/2006 17:32

I took from your OP that your dh had volunteered to do one extra day/night of support next month. My dh also does support in his role and I really would not be cross about him doing a one off extra day. If he had volunteered to do one extra day/night of support EACH month, that would be a different matter and would need discussion. Is this the case? Have I read things wrongly? Apologise if so.

If not, however, IMO, I think you are overreacting because you are generally pissed off about the new set of responsibilities he has taken on. This, perhaps, is like the straw that broke the camels back.

Just now reading your posts on the duplicate thread you put up, it sounds like you feel totally taken for granted and maybe have for a long while. You say that his reason for jumping the gun was that he didn't want the day and therefore the money being taken by someone else. From the outside this seems perfectly reasonable but as I said before I don't walk in your shoes and you have the history and the feelings.

I hope I didn't offend you and hope you can solve these feelings you are having. It is awful to feel taken for granted.

Blu · 11/08/2006 17:38

IME when you are tired and stretched, there is no such thing as 'proportionately' pissed off - it's all or nothing!

I completely understand your pov - and can also see that probably he thought he was being stoic and heroic volunteering for yet more work / pay.

Is there a way that you could minimise the disruption when he is on call? Does the phone HAVE to wake everyone in the house or could it be plugged in somewhere else? Could he sleep on a camp bed in the front room when he is on call, with other phones in the house unplugged, and enable you to be undisturbed, and then you could reciprocate by giving him time for a nap during the day while you take the kids to the park? then neither of you would be so tired and stressed?

Ags · 11/08/2006 18:47

That is a great idea Blu if it could be implemented. Very fairminded. Any conclusions Harri?

SelfishHarridan · 11/08/2006 18:52

Didn't mean to duplicate the thread , I have a new mouse and it's a bit more responsive than the old one!

I was overreacting, I think. HD is generally very supportive and does far more than most. He's brilliant with the children and doesn't take me for granted at all - we always discuss everything as equals - I think that's why I was so annoyed about this time being different, IYSWIM.

We have talked about it now and seen one another's viewpoints. Thanks for all the responses, I was feeling crap and it helped to "talk".

OP posts:
Ags · 11/08/2006 19:04

That is a nice to hear. Glad it is all sorting itself out for you both. Have a great weekend.

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