What can I say to my DH regarding DS's odd fixation?

[Spagblog]

My DS (2.3) is currently obsessed with wearing my swimming costume.
He comes downstairs in the morning, rips off his nappy and puts my cossie on. It is hilarious, but DH has started getting cross about it.
He tells me off for encouraging it, and tells me I am turning DS into a poof!
He shouts at DS and makes him take the costume off, which DS does, but clutches it to himself like a security blanket.
Then as soon as DH goes out, he puts it back on.

I am ignoring him, but need to tell him that it is okay and he should get a grip...Except I can never find the right words. DH is very good at beating me in a verbal war of words!

aaaaw. if he wants to wear it he should let him. telling him off will make it more forbidden and he will want it more. or worse, do it secretly.
it is normal development i thiught, like boys wanting to push a buggy and doll around. it soon passes.

I definitely agree that if he wants to wear it he should be allowed to. Can you put it out of the way or make it inaccessible while your DH is at home (eg in the washing machine/hanging on the washing line), and let DS wear it when DH isn't around?

it is more likely to cause problems if he makes an issue of it than not. Your DS is just playing with something he likes - explain to your DH that it will have no impact on the long run on his sexual preferences.

(I have a 3 year old ds whose favourite trousers are pink fleece ones - we do keep them for home consumption only ).

I agree. Plus it is a black costume...He ignores DDs princess dress! Yesterday he was teaming the costume with princess shoes, so funny.

I just need some research or evidence, or good words to tell DH to shut up and stop making it an issue.

dressing up is part of play at that age - they have an extremely vague (if at all) concept of gender at that age - he is just having fun with the things around him. Tell DH it is a sign of his inventiveness and intelligence that he can have a game with things that are not "toys".

My twins (also boys) - think it is hilarious to strip off all their clothes and climb into my nightdress together (actually they will do this with DH's t-shirt as well).

Ask DH to explain what exactly bothers him - see if he can give a rational explanation (but whatever you do don't be partonising - just give him a chance to articulate what he is feeling).

Men do worry about daft things. My ds used to like having his nails painted when dd did hers at around 6/7. He wouldn't dream of it now. I used to laugh, but the look on dh's face spoke volumes!

How about "Actually, it's by exploring gender issues like this at this age that he's going to develop a strong sense of his own masculinity. If anything, it's making the costume something forbidden that is likely to give him hang-ups and unresolved issues in later life."

Under "normal" child development patterns, it'll be when he's around 6 that he becomes very aware of himself as a boy and focuses on sterotypically "male" behaviour and on avoiding anything he sees as "girly".

It might be an idea to get a book like Raising Boys, by Steve Biddulph, that your DH can read. There's a lot of good research-based stuff in there.

my dh is a mans man - a pie and mash arse against the wall in a gay club ( he should be so lucky) northen brick.

now this brick his mummy tells me - has his very own dolly when he was a toddler

if thats any use to your dh - not definitive research i know - maybe the anecdotal will suffice?

my youngest ds used to wear my shoes. - he liked the sound.

your ds probably likes the texture of the costume. and the attention it creates.

I love Lemonaid's wording. Our neighbour (bluff, Northern, call-a-spade-a-spade type) used to make a lot of comments about DS wearing (navy, cotton) tights under (navy) trousers when he was 6 months old (winter, socks slipped off that sort of thing). He said with all seriousness "no son of mine would ever wear anything as girly as that". FFS!

God, DP moans like blazes about DS being into so called "women's things" DS is 20 months, and loves wearing my sparkly pump thingies. He also minces (and I mean minces) around the house with a pink hello kitty purse, and his fave toy at the moment is a doll with a pink jumpsuit on, that sleeps in a pink frilly moses basket. DP thinks he will become "queer" (he's quite liberal usually, but I think this issue brings out his inner bigot) Anyway, I told him to stop being such a baby about it, as like someone else said, the fact that he can express his feminity will probably make him more manly in th future, IYSWIM.

For the record, My cousin used to wear my auntie's frilly dresses and used to go to play with his mates in the park wearing pink moccasins. He's now a 34 year old built like a brick shithouse officer in the army, and is also a devoted family man.

ask you in laws...no doubt they have some stories of yur DH dressing up in his mums pearls or whatever.

All kids do it. its certainly not a pre curser to homosexuality.

A poof at 2.3yrs old - lord men are silly! You need to have a serious chat to your DH & tell him that children don't have gender issues at 2 years old, they just like having a laugh. Your DH has the issues if he is able to connect a toddler messing around in his mum's cozzie with latent homosexuality.
As a practical suggestion, to make light of it and get your DH to see what a chump he is being, how about finding some boxers or funny socks that your DH has & get your DS to wear those too?

You are not turning him into a poof, you are supporting and encoraging him to explore the world around him and to express his own feelings.

Your dh however, risks making him feel repressed and have difficulty in identifying to his own father.

Of course one or two incidents will not cause this, but if your dh feels it is ok to shout at a 2yo about wearing a swimming costume then I am guessing this may spill into other areas that DH feels are not "appropriate" as time goes on.

If he does not learn a better way to communicate his feelings and a way to suppress things he may feel strongly about - but which he is wrong about! then he is risking alienating his son.

Tell him your DS is practising for the lead role in the Rocky Horror Show (-:

a black swimming costume? sounds more super-hero esque than gay to me.

and what is with people who have an issue with boys havning dolls pushchairs? THEY push their kids in a pushchair don't they? does that make them gay as well? ffs you'll see more straight men with babies in prams than you will gay men

they have no idea at this stage about gender stereo types and stuff like that. Tell your DH he is being ridiculous.
All boys do this I'm sure and they will learn, at school if not before, not to to do it if they don't want to be teased. It's just a phase - your DH sounds like the one with the problem.

pmsl this is great thanks!
I can't ask the people who raised him (his adopted) as they have both passed on. I bet he was into girly things too though.

I will use some of your phrases though! Excellent!

oh please, Dose you dh REALLY think you can turn someone gay??
Better not tell him that my DS2 LOVES womens shoes, he likes nothing better then going out with his aunty (who is shoe mad) to buy shoes.
My sister will also sit doing her facials and DS2 sits with cucumber on his eyes!!!!
But he loves his "boy toys" and always has plasters on his knees, hes a real boyboy.
All children love to dress up its part of growing and exploring.
Tell DH he will make you DS feel bad if he yells at him for something that you DS sees as playing.
(or you could ask dh if HE wants to have a borrow of the swimsuit see what he says to that.

it might also be good to talk to your DH about the use of the word "poof" as it's very offensive to many people. Especially if he is keen on verbal wars of words!

DS1 's dad was like this, convinced I was going to "turn him gay" by allowing hin to wear my high heels, like people have said the more of an issues he makes it the bigger it will become.

And so what if they grow up and are gay??

yes some men DO think this sort of thing will turn them gay

my DS used to wear my sarong - my ex & I just let him get on with it....hes pushed buggies around at nursery and Ive never stopped him playing or wearing anything
he is soooooo boyish its unbelieveable so its not harmed him

my friend on the other hand - her husband wont let their son play with certain toys & calls him a poof - as far as I can see, all its doing is making the poor boy nervous & anxious from the shouting/name calling