why is it that 14 months on from affair and sometimes feels like yesterday.

[longwaytogo]

Had awful day yesterday. Just kept crying at every little thing. Got sent home from work because tbh was no use to man nor ornament let alone patients.

In the end got my self so worked up that was convinced that dh didn't want to be with me, that he was having affair again, and everything just felt like it was yesterday.

I feel so that I just can't get it out of my head. It consumes me sometimes to a point of I don't know how I will carry on.

It goes in vicious circle, I feel I moan at dh then I think that he thinks that i'm awful and what has he done staying with me, so he may as well go off and have affair again. Then I get myself all worked up, when in fact dh has not really done anything to warrant my thoughts, so just goes full circle again and again.

Why can't I just drop it? Feel i'm like a dog with a bone and just can't let go.

also feel if I do let go then it gives him permission to jsut go and do it all again.

Sorry probably doesn't make much sense does it.

I dont think you can drop it because you have feeling for him and that is why it still upsets you. My x had an affair and it still hruts but i hate him for it and i could never forgive and also because he didnt want to. Have you spoken to a counsellor?

Oh dear longwaytogo, you sound so sad. It sounds to me like you still have a lot of unanswered questions. You say that you're worried your moaning will cause your DH to stray again which implies you believe it to be your fault. I assure you that this is not the case, nor am I saying it is DH's fault. There is always a reason why somebody has an affair and unless you acknowledge what it is and talk about preventing a reoccurence, you will worry about everything potentially being a catalyst for a repeat of history. Do you feel that you discussed everything you needed to with your DH? Did you feel he was honest? Do you understand why it happened? Does he know how you feel? Have you discussed changes that need to occur within your relationship to stop you feeling so let down?

I am so sorry you feel this way. It is a brave and courageous thing to do to forgive an affair and can honestly strengthen your relationship in the long term. However, it is dependent on complete honesty, painful as it may be. If you are still crying at work after this long, something is missing. You will eventually have to draw a line under what happened, but you cannot do this while you still have questions.

I really hope you can make this work and whatever you do stop telling yourself that you have done something wrong because you haven't.

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Yes did have counselling initially and did resolve issues but I think now its the anger and hurt that I feel, and its not always like it. The crying at work - I don't think that was bec of affair but then escalated into those feelings iyswim.

He did answer all questions that I had to ask, he did reassure me loads and loads at the begining but you soon settle into complaiceny and that's when I start worrying and it takes me so long to air my concerns that usually its escalated into something much bigger than it is.

He is really, really sorry and he does regret it and said that again last night. Says he loves me for who I am (whether i'm moaning or not)

We have moved so so far and yet sometimes its just so so raw. I'm sure its related to pmt too.

I know for him he lost the plot in his life for a while and thats not making an excuse but was a contributary factor.

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My heart goes out to you LWTG. You should know that it is normal to have times when it'll still hurt so much. I think the thing to consider is whether these times are getting fewer / easier because that is the sign of progress. Also PMT and it being late at night are factors that make this sort of stuff worse.

How is your own self-esteem / independence? The more you like and value yourself and have other things in your life, the better for dealing with feelings like this.

Bloody hard, but if your DH is worth it you will get through it

mmm self esteem has always been an issue, and as for independance have had that taken away over last week or so as have been without a car so been stuck in or around the house with two lo's and i know that has made a difference.

He is worth it but you just don't think this will ever happen to you do you and I know it is better than it was but when it hits it feels like it was just yesterday.

can you go back for more counselling ? If it helped you get over the immediate aftermath, it might help iron out the residual anger. You have got this so tied up with your own selfesteem, you need to try and get some perspective on things, and give yourself a chance to move on.

And explain to DH which issues you are still struggling with - see if he can think of ways to help resolve things (after all - he caused the problem in the first place - although it is no-ones fault the way you have reacted - not his or yours - but just something that happened and needs to he dealt with).

I did have letter regarding counselling at GP's but all they could offer was a thurs and thats the only day I work.

I should have carried on at original counsellor but it was an 3/4 hour drive each way and it was just too much.

longwaytogo- hi honey, not been on for a while as been away and visitors arriving this evening but I'll try and msn you tomorrow.
You know I'm about 6mths or so on fromyou on the trying to get over an affair stakes and even now there are days when I am in despair because it feels so fresh and painful.
I did recently go and have some more counselling just for me , like you I felt it was the anger that was coming out and taking over my every thought. I do feel better for it, I also realise it is such a slow slow process and I feel very like grieving....you can go days fine then bang back to the pain and suffering the worries and concerns over whether he really wants to be with me and the anger that I "allowed" him to teat me like he did for the best part of a year. However I know at the time I had to be the strong one and push down my feelings as he was losing the plot big time....you I know were the same.the thing is those supressed feelings come out, now as you feel it's "safe" to do so.
please try and talk to your dh about how you feel, please make time to let it all out, it is his turn to be strong for you and he needs to see just what he has caused and try and put it right. I find i can be great for a while then it's like a build up of emotions until the bubble pops again and they all come tumbling out. I do now let my dh be on the receiving end of them and he is so good now in reassuring me (he says he knows he caused this and he knows whatever it takes he will try and make it right)I always feel much better after we have "talked"( because it's mainly me sobbing my heart out)However more of the time now I feel we are good and getting stronger. Please talk to your dh and please see if you can get some you counselling...the emotions we are dealing with are so overwhelming and trying to keep a young family going...it's ok to focus on your needs at times.
will try speak soon. Take care

Second what maturer says. I'm having counselling as I too have to keep all emotions in check as I have two young ds's to look after and I am a SAHM. I thought the affair had finished but found out 10days ago, it had never really stopped . He says it has now -but will I ever trust him again. Who knows. My counsellor is amazing though and is really helping me - keep toxic discussions for her room. Looking forward to thursday when I can realise all the emotions I've had building up over the last two weeks. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. If you ever want to CAT me, please feel free to do you.

thanks maturer and all you other girls you are fab. Been much better, it is like you say though a build up and eventually it just bursts and it all comes tumbling out, just can't believe I cracked at work, went in yesterday and even people who wern't in on thurs. were saying 'how are you' etc. feel such a pleb but there we go.

Hope you had a good holiday maturer!

Another thought - sometime it really helps to write down (just for yourself) how you are feeling and the reason for it, why you are angry, why you are scared, your deepest fears, the positives now etc. Seeing it on the page can ease the feeling of getting worked up a little.

Also, if you are really down, try calling the Samaritans. They won't counsel but will help you talk through the situation as many times as you need to - helps keep the emotion away from your DH as (whilst I completely agree with those who have said he needs to see how you are feeling and help) sometimes it's good to offload to a stranger who won't be affected by it in the same way.

Do use every means of support available to you to help you through this - you have had such a difficult time and all respect to you for working through it.

Hi all, how are you today?
I agree it is also good to let out all the emotions to a complete stranger, sometimes just saying everything thats going through your mind no matter how obscure it is helps you focus on what you need to do now.
Alibaldi- this is obviously very new and raw for you. longway to go and I go back about a year together trying to support each other having had a similar experience with our dh and wanting to try and make it work. My dh (like yours it appears)said he'd stopped all contact (when I found out) but it turns out was still seeing her for some time after- the whole "relationship", in the varrious forms it took meant she was in our lives for about a year. We have just passed 2 years since he last saw her and about a 20mths since she stopped trying to contact him- it is a slow painful process of recovery and very much depends on how he shows he's sorry and wants to make it right. If we can help (as we know the rollercoaster of emotions you are now on) please feel free to talk.
Longwayto go- glad to gear you feel a bit better...it has to come out and sometimes the emotions hyjack you at the least expected times.....try not to bottle them up, try to let them out in a "safe" situation- it is so hard but you need to look after you the inner you peace of mind is such a priceless thing and we know what it's ;ike to have it stolen from us!

inner peace - don't think I will ever have that again but maybe thats something I will have to learn to live with.

I do feel a lot better and do think it was part pmt if not all actually.

It is a roller coaster and I hate it. I know I'm still really angry but don't think I will ever be able to sort that out, mainly due to the fact that there's no one to look after lo's while I go to counselling.