Dh says he does not have a bond/patience with our baby, i dont understand...

[Dunnyjo]

This migh be a bit of along one but i really need some advice on whaat i can do about this.
We have ds1 2.6 and ds2 13wks
It all started when i fell pregnant with second child and at first i admit i was thinking about having an abortion becaus eat the time i was extreamly scared i would not cope. Then obviously deciding that we would have the baby and i am so happy and greatfull i have such a beautiful baby boy.
However the day dh braught me back home from the hospital with new baby he admits now he was taken abck the fact(tearful) he could no longer see our ds1 as his baby anymore and as time has gone on he says loves our baby but cant stand it when he really cries and has no patience anymore but has with ds1. He leaves me to deal with him and goes plays with ds1.
Whenever anyone asks how ds2 is he always comes out with negative stuff as though he was a very hard baby to deal with. (ffs he sleeps through the night and is a very placid baby!)

Tonight i tried to talk to him and before we knew it i turned into an argument saying this we did not want to say. He has gone to bed and i feel so totally alone and empty. Sometimes i wish he would walk out and leve me to it (when i said this he said he would take ds1 with him ) He is very open to the fact he has not got a bond with him and i am worried this will have a horrid effect later when he grows up aware his daddy has no time for him. I lost my mum in Jan this year and i have been totally blown away with my emotions and tears that i really cant handle this now.
I am sorry if none of this makes much sence but if it does does anyone have any ideas to what the heck is going on here?

Am just off to bed, so can't say anything useful, as fear will not make much sense, but just wanted to reply and let you know someone had read your thread. I will be on again tomorrow and write something more useful (hopefully)

Try and get some sleep, am sure your dh is . Take care

My dh found it very difficult to bond with our first baby but as sooon as ds1 became more interactive things just fell into place, he admitted that he just does'nt "do" tiny babies but is great with toddlers and older kids.

May be your dh is feeling overwhelmed by the different demands of 2 small children, its still early days and its bloody hard work for you both.

I hope you work it out, sorry not much help.

hugs dunnyjo. its late. go to bed, try to rest your weary head. as ambercat says, that some men just don't do small babies. my uncle never even did kids till they were about eight! he loves his girls to death though. it can be his way of saying that he is finding it difficult to cope. stupid as that sounds. maybe he is scared of the financial commitment having 2 kids to pay for. you don't have to make up your mind now of what to do.

tek to him or not - make him do stuff - the longer he leaves the baby tro you the bigger the rod for your own back mi dear.

i dont like babies ( didn;t like mi own either) but i still had to change shitty nappies.

time for this statement me think:
" look - am not right bothered whether you have a special bond or not - get your fat fuckin arse in there and do your bit mister - what am i - the new hired help?"

Tell him to grow up. You both brought this baby into being and you need support. I let my h get off with doing nothing and it's worked against me. He sounds depressed to me and having a hard time handling the situation. But he has to pull his weight otherwise you'll suffer too. I'm always on line at this time as I live in the US, so if you ever neeed to talk I'll be here. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Don't worry you're not alone.

thankyou for all your replies. I went to bed last night and he put his hand onmy leg (which to me is him saying sorry lol) but we have not spoken since as he is at work now.
I personally think bloody hell he should get a grip and deal with it as both of us brought this beautiful baby into this world. With our first ds he did everything as i had an emergancy c-section i need help myself. He used to melt just looking at him and sometimes i felt left out because he used to do so much before i even had the chance to think about it. So why this now? i find it ever so frustrating and confusing

Agree with Custy. The more he is involved with ds2, the more he will come to know him. And whatever his feelings, he's got to pull his finger out and do his fair share.

Agree that he needs to dig in and get more hands one with new baby.
If he stays away how does he expect to bond?

It hurts to hear anyone say negative things about your little baby. I feel that I bonded more strongly with DS because my DH was forever saying derogatory things about him and I felt the need to hug and protect him more.
It was just DHs way of dealing with a potential imperfection in our baby (tongue tie ffs) and he has got over it now.

yeah i agree with that. Last night i had to go out for a couple or hours and he was left to see to both children putting them to bed and stuff. I hink he enjoyed being alone with him.When i am there he says he cant be doing with it! (pig) I am strating college part time in the evening 2 days a wk in september so i am wondering if this will help sort it as he will be on his own?

my ds still doesnt have any patience with ds and he is 1 now.
it really hurts me when he barks 'stop it' or 'shut up' at him and makes me hate him.

why are men so damn pathetic at times? Crist they always make life more difficult for themselves and others just because they are very narrow minded!

Here's my tuppence worth...

He is human, has feelings, emotions and probably feels a little left out, in other words...he is now possibly nr 3 on your list of priorities, so he might be seeing ds2 as an intruder and competition. Try getting him involved in a friendly way, I remember my husband saying straight out he found looking after our (then about 2 month old) very mindnumbing...but he is now 8.5 months and there is never a dull moment and they can't be separated when they are together...be a bit more patient, I know it suck having to sacrifice from your side and going it alone, but I think your hubby probably needs some alone time with you...be kind to him, it might change his attitude.

My dh just does not understand babies. However, once ds hit about 2 ish, then dh suddenly found him enyoyable. Then dd came along (a really difficult baby). I would say that he did not / would not bond with her until she was nearly 3. Early on he felt that we had done the wrong thing having a 2nd child as he though ds was getting pushed out. It didn't help that dd screamed almost non-stop from around 2 weeks until around 14 months! Now she is 4 and he loves her to bits. He has a very good bond with ds - and it is definitely developing with dd.
Give your dh time. (he should still do things for the baby though - no excuse for that!)

thank you mum2, i just get frustrated all because i dont understand. I will try and change things a little and ask him to bath or feed ds and not take it all on myself. In alot of ways i suppose sometimes i feel id rather do things as i know how i want it done ifkwim

Agree with Custy, I don't like tiny babies either and I enjoy DS much more now he is more of a toddler.

Neither me or DH felt we bonded with DS in the first months but we agreed that in a way that wasn't important. Whether you feel overwhelming love or not the simple fact is that you both have a responsibility to take care of this baby.

I think there is far too much tosh talked about bonding, it puts too much pressure on mums and dads to feel this 'amazing' sensation at a very challanging and sleep deprived time.

If your DH plays with your older son it may well be that like many men he just doesn't know what to do with small babies, he'll develop a great relationship with both boys as they grow up.

Now its up to you whether its easiest in your fmaily for DH to take care of DS1 (making sure he still gets some one-one time with a parent) leaving you free to concentrate on the new baby or whether you split it up differently.

It doens't sound as if DS2 was totally planned - how did your Dh feel about the pregnancy? if you were clsoe to an abortion maybe he felt the same way? men can suffer from depression/PND as well and maybe he is honestly struggling to cope with the demands of a toddler and a baby.

Yes DunnyJo,

Its very hard having to cope with new baby, "old baby" and on top of that another adults emotions, let alone your own. It's ok to get fed-up and it's tough when the hubby, whose is suppose to be there for you to ventilate to, is not availble. Just know that you might be feeling this very intensely at the moment and that it is probably due to your hormones still adjusting, but I must admit its nice to be able to bitch a bit, even if it is totally harmless and not how you truely feel! Good luck, I'm sure he'll come around, he probably just needed a moan just like you.

to be totlly open he did not want me to go through with the pregnancy but i could not go ahead and abort as i knew it would be fine in the end. I did say to dh i am having this baby even if he did not want it. Through the whole pregancny its been nothing but grief as i said earlier i lost my mum at the end of January very suddenly, was in shock for months.
I dont think everyone is run over with this bliss thing with having children as its such a huge step as i was alot like that with first ds. I would look at him at times and think 'god what am i supposed to do with you now?' i had no clue and now dh is like this with ds2.

Hi again,
Yeah, I don't know what to say, I'm guessing you're holding out, hoping it will resolve itself. It sounds to me that you two need to have a long talk. From my perspective it appears you overuled him with your decision, he probably feels you undermined him? Raising babies is a huge responsibility, difficult for two people, even more if one of them is not helping. I'm sorry I can't help you more, I do hope you can work it out, all you should know is that ds2 doesn't have anything to do with your problems and should not be "punished".

love custy's post

agree - plenty of time for bonding. what you need now is practical, get-off-yer-arse help.

I agree with mum2fd. You need to have a long talk about this - if you went ahead with the pregnancy anyway despite knowing he didn't want another baby (now /ever) then he may well be feeling a lack of trust and 'buy in'.

You've both been through a difficult time over the past year, this will either be make or break but you owe it to both of you to sit down and talk through things openly and honestly. If you find that its all too emotional and discussions end up as arguments it might be worth accessing some marriage guidance help, that way you both get to say your side without it ending up as a slanging match.

I grew up like that but i was the older kid my Dad was cold and unaffectionate with my brother sometimes cruel even and lovely to me so my Mum would defend my brother and there was a clear division of me and dad and brother and mom, he just did not take to my brother as well, but it sucked for my brother and i don't like it either it is not fair as the children want love from both.

Thankyou very much for your replies, has been most helpful and we have finaly worked things out.
We had a good long chat and talked to echother listening rather than arguing.
We talked how this year has been very difficult emotionaly and when we came home with ds he felt very chocked up and frustrated with the huge changes. Especially with the responsibility with another little human in the house.
He told me he adores our ds and loves him just like he loves our first ds but just finds he is aboandoning ds1 with showing affection too often.
He said he was sorry for things he said that hurt but he always says stuff when he is angry or hurt.
We both new when i decided to continur with the pregnancy it was both our decision.
We decided that we take in turns in the evening forbath times and feed times. He said when i am not around and he is alone with ds he enjoys being with him. He wants to have some qtime with him himself which i think will do wonders.
I am just glad we can talk about it now and dealing wth it. Thankyou again for listening and sharing your views with me x x x