Compromising on expectations for physical affection?

[MsMarvel]

DP doesn't see the point of it and is just not a touchy feely person in general. I do get that.

But cuddles, hand holding etc is really important to me, I feel held at arms length without it.

I've spent so long just dealing with the fact hat DP doesn't like it, and trying to come to terms with it not happening, but it's really getting me down. I realised last night that I can't remember the last time we had a little cuddle after going to bed, before going to sleep. Every night I suggest it and get told 'not tonight'.

We still have regular sex so it's not to do with that, it's just the little things.

How easy is this to deal with? Should I just accept that it's not going to happen or should I push the issue? It seems so petty to have such a serious talk about cuddles but it's really getting me down.

It's interesting that he says "nobody needs a cuddle". I'm not the most touchy feely person but, I haven't been in a relationship for ages and do miss human contact. I met a friend at the station I hadn't seen for two years and we hugged and I burst into tears very unexpectedly.

I think people do need human contact, much more than they think.

Teenage, very interesting to hear it from the opposite point of view! If your DP goes in for a cuddle what is your instinctive reaction to it? Not necessarily you you actually do bit what is your first thought?

I'm realising that my expectations might be a bit high. I might speak to him about it and say that we can stick to the agreement of me asking for a cuddle, but on the basis that i'll only ask if I really feel that I need one, and that on his side of it, he'll never say no. So basically I don't take the piss but he knows that when I ask it's more out of politeness and that it's needed at that point. Is that a fair compromise?

To be honest, OP, that 'compromise' sounds awful to me. What were things like when you met? How do you both initiate sex?

MsMarvel... It really depends what I'm doing at the time... It bugs the shit out of me if I'm in the middle of something, and we have actually talked about not fiddling with me when we're eating... He used to rub me or try and squeeze my hand but I had to tell him I couldn't handle that. I also can't stand anyone leaning on me... Or lying on me... (Unless it's the dc), it makes me feel claustrophobic.

So he never does those things anymore! But if we're just watching tv or just got into bed, he'll say "give us a cuddle" and I always will. Or he'll ask if I'd like a cuddle or a rub and sometimes I do. I do tend to enjoy it when we do it, it just rarely occurs to me to instigate it.

And I'd never ever turn him down if he said he needed a cuddle or anything. Cause that's different, I remember a time he was having a terrible ordeal at work and he came home and just needed to sit and cuddle and not talk about it. I'd never refuse something like that....

He's always been like this, so it's not anything new. Our sex life is very good, we both have high sex drives and have sex about 5 times a week. When we have sex he is very living and affectionate, lots of kisses, we tend to stick to positions where we are holding eachother etc.

How about he agrees to give you one cuddle a day? Then at least you don't have the humiliation of asking and being refused.

Is one cuddle a day a reasonable expectation? Because toe that sounds like hardly anything, but I'm aware that I might be the ott one here

I don't know - it's better than nothing and certainly better than being refused.

What about saying to him that every night when we go to bed I would like a cuddle, because that's the only time I really feel rejected if it doesn't happen?

I'll give you my personal experience, for what it's worth.

My first long term relationship was with someone who didn't like casual physical affection, things I do naturally, like running my fingers along a partner's skin and any number of non-sexual type touches. I'm very tactile, but exbf didn't like it, so I wasn't able to show physical affection that way, and he showed none to me. Our sex life was very point A to point B. I coped, and accepted the difference, and didn't know otherwise.

We broke up and I met DP who matches me in our need for tactile physical affection, and for me, it was night and day. I honestly had a few cries in the early days because I couldn't believe how happy it made me just to be touched and to touch and I realized how much I had closed off that side of me and accepted something that didn't make me happy in a previous relationship, I now realize how unfulfilling and a waste of time that previous relationship was. (Of course, it wasn't only the physical contact that made that relationship so, but it was a much bigger part than I ever admitted to myself.)

To want physical contact or to not isn't wrong, but to me it is a serious issue of compatibility. I personally would not be in a relationship without it ever again, I've realized it's a basic need for me and one I can't live without. I don't know you and the complexities of your relationship so I can't really tell you what to do, op, it's the kind of thing you have to figure out the importance of for yourself and how you can work through it.

I don't think any of your expectations sound over the top, and I think he's very wrong thinking that no one needs a cuddle. Truly, some people do.

Does he ever say no to a cuddle, but you have sex anyway?

If he isn't in the mood for a cuddle he isn't in the mood for sex either so its not like he's refusing a cuddle but trying to initiate sex.

So you have five cuddles per week?

I'm just slightly agog at the idea of having to ask a partner for a hug or that you're thinking in terms of quotas . It all sounds bizarre, unnatural and far too much like hard work for something that - in a healthy relationship - should be spontaneous and pleasurable.

It's not just cuddles that lead to sex that I want though? I want cuddles just to be a cuddle and not leading anywhere some of the time.

Maybe he thinks s cuddle has to lead to sex. You need to communicate.

You ask and he says no?! He's a dickhead. Sorry, that's just nasty.

Do you cuddle after sex?

We don't really cuddle after sex because I need to go to the bathroom or else I leak (tmi!!) spoke to him there and before I said anything he apologised for making me feel bad and when I said about the compromise of cuddling at night as standard he whole heartedly agreed and said that he would ale more effort through the day as well. And as we were having this conversation he held my hand without prompt as well. I think his is the first time I've stressed how important this is for me; without actually giving the ultimatum I let him know that it wasn't something I could get used to not having. He responded well in my opinion. :)

Just think about if you can live like this for the next however many years.

I'm a bloke.

Oddly enough, I know a married man who really hates hugs and cuddles and I know a married woman who really hates hugs and cuddles. They are really lovely people but for whatever reason they don't like them. I doesn't seem to be a problem for their partners (although I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if they were married to each other!).

I love a cuddle and a snuggle but can't fall asleep cuddling or touching someone. If their arm is across my chest I feel constrained. Love a snuggle on a sofa or snuggling in bed, but cannot sleep that way.

People are what they are.