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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To throw dh out?

74 replies

milkysmum · 02/03/2014 14:40

Some of you may remember a thread I started last week about dh's cannabis use. Against my better judgement the rescuer is me agreed to give him another chance, a trial to see if things would improve so to say.
Well this Friday gone I returned home after a couple of days away with work. dh had been with ds 2 and dd 5. we went and had a couple of drinks at the local pub. I came back with dc's and dh returned half an hour later.

There had been some gravy on the sude that he must have made earlier that I was going to use on my own tea as I hadnt eaten. I casually asked dh if there was any gravy granules left as it was a bit thin. he flew into a rage saying it wasnt thin, how fucking dare I accuse him of thisHmm, called me a fucking dickhead repeatedly whilst df 5 was in the room listening and then began punching the wall next to my head because " I wasnt listening and should be sorry for accusing him of messing up gravy! I told him I would call the police if ge carried on and at this point he pissed off back out.
I told him the next day this was beyond my limits especially given dd haf witnessed his out burst and he had to leave. he said he was ashamed of himself but agreed to go.
well for the 2nd day now he had got up and gone round to his mates to play on the playstation! I am furious. I have rung him to ask why he isnit trying to sort out somewhere to stay and he hung up on me.
I have just bagged all his clothes up in big bags and left them in his car which is unlocked. I am pretty certain he will now go on self destruct mode and I am desperately trying to rain in the rescuer in me- I am doing the right thibg aren't I? dh for the most of the time is a fantastic dad and dd particularly is going to be devastated.

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milkysmum · 09/03/2014 08:13

A week in and h is still out of the house thankfully and I have began making steps to seperate. just wondering if anyone has any advice/ tips on making this easier on dd? she is 5 and has sobbed every bedtime wanting him to come back. two nights she sat on the toilet for over 20 minutes just screaming 'daddy' over and over again at the top of her voiceSad

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43percentburnt · 09/03/2014 08:28

I promise it will get easier for her. Have you explained in child friendly terms why he is not here? You have done the right thing. She must grow up knowing that it is not right to punch walls and scream at your partner. You have done the definitely right thing for your children and yourself. He isn't a good father at the moment, good people don't punch walls near children (or anyone). I second others who say report to police and get him legally unable to enter your house. I have a feeling when he realises you are really not wanting him back he will exercise his 'right' to return.

Speak to the police, explain he threatened you - because punching a wall near your head is threatening - he is saying 'it will be you next if you don't shut up'. If your daughter mentions this to a teacher you need to show you are taking it seriously and have made preventative measure for him to go. You are minimising his actions, this may be for several reasons, but what he did is 100% wrong. I have been there and reporting would have saved me 2 years of hassle from him later on, when he refused to move out - because it was his right... Your right is not to be screamed at and threatened over gravy. Exercise your right to report him, if not for you for your dc.

I think he will be back, he is happy now, a few day smoking weed and playing games. This will wear off.

Can you afford to buy him out of the house?

zephyrcat · 09/03/2014 08:30

Hi milkysmum - I've just come back to mn after a long break to try and find some help about how to cope with my children feeling sad after dp left. He was also intimidating and I also felt/feel very similar to you, giving chances and trying to help sort him out with a place etc. it's very hard but you're doing the right thing. I rang www.ncdv.org.uk to get advice on emergency injunctions the other night because I want him to see the children somewhere neutral, and he wanted to get in to the house to see the dogs despite me having changed the locks - anyway long story short the website has lots of fab advice and they are lovely to speak to. Please feel free to message me if you want a chat.

milkysmum · 09/03/2014 08:34

Yes I have tried to explain to dd and I think she understands to a degree that sometimes when grown-ups argue they luve in different houses but have stressed we both love get very much. I think evenings are worse for her because he usually did the bed time story etc.. and to ge honest I thibk given the choice (which I wont) she would choose to live with himSad

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milkysmum · 09/03/2014 08:36

and no I dont think I could afford to buy him out. to be honest we bought this house ( which was previously his dads!) in the this village because dh grew up here. I almost feel I have no real desire to stay here long term anyway now

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MsAspreyDiamonds · 09/03/2014 08:39

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Speak to Gingerbread, lone parent charity, about how the practicalities involved in being a lone parent. They will also be able to advise you on how to deal with your dc. Womens aid will be able to advise you on how to prevent your ex from making trouble for you in the future.

Speak to your GP/ hv about your daughter as they may have some advice for you.

mobile.gingerbread.org.uk/default.aspx#bmb=1

ohfourfoxache · 09/03/2014 10:14

Milky I hope you don't think I'm poking my nose in, but I think the overwhelming feeling is that yanbu. Have you thought about getting his moved to relationships? Loads of support available x

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Is he seeing your dd?

Lweji · 09/03/2014 11:03

Is he not been in contact with her at all?

milkysmum · 09/03/2014 13:33

sorry yes he has had contact. one evening in the week and he took them to play centre yesterday. it is in the evening she has been upset. how do I get thread moved to relationships?

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ohfourfoxache · 09/03/2014 13:37

Just report your own post and ask mnhq to do the honours. I've done his too so they may well be in touch with you directly.

How has she been after contact? Is there any difference between how upset she is then compared to upset if she hasn't seen him?

rumbleinthrjungle · 09/03/2014 14:12

Of course she's going to feel sad, and it's ok and normal to feel sad and show it to you, it's going to be a case of being supportive and helping her process her feelings, comforting her and letting her talk about it rather than stopping her from being upset if you see what I mean?

It's a very hard thing for both of you, but I admire your courage and wish my mother had been able to do what you're doing instead of growing up with a man I adore but am still physically frightened of in my 40s, and a belief that it was normal to live walking on eggshells around someone who might explode and be dangerous at any second. It's not ok to hit. It's not ok to frighten the people you love. Boundaries are a really good thing and you learn them best from seeing your parents keep healthy ones.

Lweji · 09/03/2014 14:24

It is a change in habits and she naturally would want the same routine, but you can explain that there is a different routine. Make it fun and offer extra cuddles and reassurance.

When I left exH, DS slept on my bed for a while. He still does it sometimes.
But the extra closeness helps to reassure them.
She may think you may leave as well. You need to tell her that you are not going anywhere.

milkysmum · 10/03/2014 20:44

So h text me this morning: " just wanted to text you whilst im at work. I miss you and the kids so much. I dont want to miss out on them growing up. please dont let this be forever. I love you" Grrr I was feeling ok and this had me in tears againSad
I just dont think I love him anymore but do feel sad that we cant be the family unit I'd imagined. I cant hate him- help me stay strong with this!!

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ohfourfoxache · 10/03/2014 20:48

I'm so sorry you're going through this Sad

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you Sad

How is dd tonight?

milkysmum · 10/03/2014 20:55

We actually had a lovely evening, sat on the sofa under a blanket and watched rescuers down under! She was so tired she then git straight in bed, no tearsSmile
Last night she asked if she could speak to daddy everynight before bed- h said he really wants this aswell but not sure I want this -every sibgle night seems a bit much given I have to ring obviously as she is 5!

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milkysmum · 10/03/2014 20:56
  • got not git!
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lookingfoxy · 10/03/2014 21:59

It will get easier on her but it does take some time, this happened to my ds when he was 6 and it was rough for a good few months, he started acting up sometimes and would get overly upset over small things, I think its harder for a child to express or even understand the emotions they are experiencing in a seperation.
He's 9 now and so much happier and outgoing than he would have been if I had stayed with my ex, who was also a massive pothead and aggressive drunk!!

milkysmum · 10/03/2014 22:43

Does your ss have regular contact with his dad lookingfoxy?

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milkysmum · 10/03/2014 22:44

*bloody auto correct! Ds not ss!

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lookingfoxy · 11/03/2014 00:44

Hi, no none at all, there was sporadic contact at the start for a short while but it didn't last.

milkysmum · 20/03/2014 18:57

Do men always try and wriggle out of taking any responsibility for their abusive behavior? H has just had the cheek to say I must be sleeping someone and thats why I have ended things- when I said no it was the fact he was a pot smoking abusive drunk he said "yeah well you make me lose my temper and its your fault this family is being ripped apart!" I mean really all my fault?Hmm

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Logg1e · 20/03/2014 19:05

What a fuckwit.

How are things (apart from this little gem of a comment)?

milkysmum · 20/03/2014 19:19

I think we are doing ok considering! dd certainly less upset than she was the first week. I remain confident my life will be better without him in the future even if it feels tough nowSmile

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Logg1e · 20/03/2014 19:43

Well, I think if you're ever in any doubt you just need to read your opening post and realise how far you've come. It's scary to think that you didn't realise how violent and inexcusable that situation was.

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