How to end a relationship?

[NachoAddict]

I am at the end of my tether with dp.

I work 30 hours to his 37 yet I do all the night wakings with ds, all the early mornings, even if he gets up and leaves me in bed (rare) I still have to deal with ds until about 7.30/8 when he will have been awake from 6.

He doesn't pull his weight around the house, I do at least 95% of the cooking and housework even when he was out of work for 3 months I was still coming home and doing it.

We agreed that he could spend the evenings doing his hobby as long as he waited until 8pm when all of the kids are in bed but he keeps creeping off earlier and earlier.

Because of his hobby which he does each evening he is too tired to have any kind of sex life. We've not had sec in a month because he only has the energy in the morning when of course all the kids are about.

So I have had enough and think I would be better off on my own with the kids but don't know how to end it. I don't want a huge drama with me kicking him out into the street with his bags packed. We have a ds together so want it to be as amicable as possible.

Also am I being selfish to end it, he is not abusive and things aren't horrible, should I put up for our ds sake? I know hes not perfect but then who is.

mumwantingmore sorry your in this position, its a horrible place to be in.

So easy to know what we need to do but actually doing it is hard. Especially when its easy just to carry on in the status quo.

I know I am being a wet blanket but I worry about people. I know I shouldn't but I cant just turn off a whole aspect of my personality. I know it leaves me open to being taken advantage off but I know how it feels to be homeless, to be hungry and I don't like the thought of being responsible for others being in that situation.

NachoAddict he won't be homeless and hungry he will go to his Mums and be a layabout there...

Of course he'd rather cocklodge with you but he'll make do with them once you stand up to him.

He won't be homeless and hungry. Don't worry on that score Op. He'll let you think that but cocklodgers always magically fall on their feet. Don't waste your angst on him.

He's a cocklodger and such men do actively target single mums.

Re this comment:-
"I know I am being a wet blanket but I worry about people. I know I shouldn't but I cant just turn off a whole aspect of my personality. I know it leaves me open to being taken advantage off but I know how it feels to be homeless, to be hungry and I don't like the thought of being responsible for others being in that situation".

I would also suggest you read up on co-dependency (also perhaps learnt from parents) because your people pleasing character leaves you wide open to be both exploited and abused by such chancers. You changed your previously dire situation of being homeless, this chancer will bum around for the rest of his life with women who are daft enough to try and want to rescue and or save him from himself. You are NOT responsible for the actions of another person, only your own.

I would not give him two weeks to move out either; he needs to be gone far sooner than that and doing that will give him less chance to manipulate you and or look at you with hang dog eyes.

Your right, he will be fine won't he, he will just go back to his mum, I know this, I just need to keep it in mind.

I will give him a couple of weeks so it seems I am being reasonable. We have a ds together so will have to communicate and parent together so keeping things amicable is my priority.

I will read up about co dependency too. Everyone says what a strong person I am yo have dealt with my shit life and always carry on, I have a normal life (from the outside) nice home, decent job,lovely dc and never turned to drink or drugs. My mum died when I was young, my stepdad who got custody of us was abusive, my ex husband was violent and abusive, I thought this man was brilliant, after all hes not abusive or violent, but mumsnet has opened my eyes that I deserve more. I just need to overcome my people pleasing nature to get it.

Errrrrrrrrrr no don't give him a couple of weeks, you've been telling him a long while that you are unhappy and he has ignored it. Tell him he needs to pack and stuff and go and let you know when is a good time to discuss him having ds to stay with him.

Gah, lost a post. The gist was: you're not being selfish, he is. You're supposed to be partners, yet he's happy for you to be miserable so long as he's comfortable. Kicking him out will be hard, but so very worth it. I should know, I kicked mine out a couple of weeks ago for much the same reasons. He found a room in a shared house and was gone within two days - no deposit, no credit checks, no questions. So don't worry about where he'll go. He has options, it's up to him to take one of them. You'll feel so much better once he's gone, and you don't have to spend all your time resenting him for being a useless arse.

Nachoaddict: it's unfortunately very common for women who have left violently abusive men to move on to lazy, selfish, parasitic ones. Because your standards have been set so low that you focus on the fact that he's not hitting you, rather than the fact that he is a dead weight in your life.
If he's not on the tenancy agreement you can put him straight out into the street.
As for contact with DS, I would advise preparing yourself for no contact, as a man who is this lazy and selfish is unlikely to bother. It is generally better in that sort of situation not to chase him, just let him drift away, otherwise you will be spending a lot of time comforting a disappointed child when Daddy simply doesn't turn up.

Popped back with an update. Talked to some friends in real life and they pointed out that if we separate it will take six weeks for a new tax credits claim to be processed.

With that in mind I am going to start squirreling money away and
kick him to the kerb when we have enough to tide us over. Friend suggested telling tax credits now and then kick him out when the money cones through but that would be benefit fraud and I don't need the worry.

In the meantime I have spoken to him about pulling his weight and he has improved the last day but I am not holding my breath on that front.

Thanks for all the support I've had.

Solid he has a dd from a previous relationship who we see a lot of but I do a lot of the organising. Before we were together he lived with his mum who did all of the organising so while he probably wont push contact his mum will.

You can live seperately but under the safe roof so as soon as he stops pulling his weight stop doing ANYTHING for him and put in that tax credits claim!

How does that work random? How do the tax credits people know that your not a couple?

I have re jigged my budget today and increased my savings, my get rid fund so to speak.

I read through some stuff on co dependency and I think that is certainly something I need to look at further.

I guess if you carried on long term then they would query it with you. However I know people who've done it (including SIL when her now ex wouldn't leave) she phoned up told them she was a now a single parent as she was seperating. From memory they did ask her questions like are you sharing a room, are you shopping/cooking for the family including him etc. etc. It does have to be completely seperate lives from a domestic and financial point of view.

I'm sure once you pulled the plug on his home comforts he'd arse off pretty quickly tbh!