Abusive Relationship - advice please!

[lupinpooter]

I'm a regular poster but have changed my name for this one in case the person concerned reads this.

A friend of mine (male) is in what I consider to be an abusive relationship with his girlfriend. They live together with gf's mother, gf's daughter (14) and ds (3). Both he and his gf work full-time and her mother looks after ds in the day. As soon as he gets home from work he takes over the care of ds for the rest of the evening. He is the main breadwinner and also takes responsibility for many of the household chores and paying the household bills/doing the shopping.

The problem is, his gf and her mother treat him like dirt. She constantly berates him, calling him "stupid" and "useless" and telling him to "f**k off - you're lucky I don't chuck you out". Things have been like this for several years and he has turned into a total doormat - he just puts up with it for a quiet life.

He's often talked to me about his situation, and, whilst I think his gf is trash and shouldn't treat him this way, I have pointed out to him that he isn't helping himself by constantly tolerating her abuse.

This morning he told me that he had attempted to talk to his gf and her mum about how this verbal abuse makes him feel (i.e. hurt) and their reaction was to laugh about it (!).

I think he's reaching the end of his tether now, but he is staying there for fear of losing contact with his ds. I've advised him to see a solicitor to find out what chance he would have of getting custody of the little boy (he reckons social services wouldn't be impressed with the overcrowding in the house - his step-daughter is sharing a bedroom with her grandmother and the rest of them are squeezed into a single bedroom, so he usually has to sleep on the sofa).

Now, I know it's none of my business really, but I'm interested in what you wise mumsnetters would advise someone in this situation. I care about him deeply and find it really distressing to watch him going through this.

Whose house is it? If it's the grandmother's or the girlfriend's then I guess that doesn't leave him much leverage, but if it's his house, can he ask the grandmother to leave? I'm just thinking about the situation itself, it's like the gf and gm are ganging up on him and if he could remove one of them the situation might better? Also, how long are they planning to live together like this? They can't share a room with your friend on the sofa forever. And what does the gf think about the gm plonking the ds in front of the t.v. all day? Perhaps they could at least talk to each other about that? And finally, how is the 14 year old? Does you friend get on ok with her? it sounds very sad and very claustrophobic to me. I really hope your poor friend finds a way out of it.

I know this might be out of line, but how do you really know what goes on behind closed doors? I have noticed in my parents that when they are in company my Mum really talks down to my Dad and makes him look really pathetic. But in reality my Mum has had to put up with violence, verbal abuse and affairs.... he torments her about her weight when she's heavy and if she loses weight he says she's gone too far and looks disgusting.
Yet, to outsiders and his Mum/sisters, he is a charming man, a poor soul and the victim.

Hmm. Just wanted to highlight that there is usually another side the story too....

Thank you for your replies.

M2T, I am perfectly aware that there are always two sides to a story and, as I am not privy to what actually goes on in their house, I'm aware that I am only getting his side. However, as I mentioned below, I knew the gf years ago (before they had even met), and can believe her capable of this behaviour. I worked with her for a while and she waged a bullying campaign on another colleague which she treated as a huge joke. This guy is a really good friend who I have known well for several years and whose word I trust. But of course I realise I don't know the whole story - no outsider ever can really.

Evita, the house belongs to the grandmother.

Chandra, Relate would be an excellent option but she is completely unwilling to engage in any sort of conversation about the relationship.

I have told him to tell me to mind my own business and keep my nose out of it if he feels I am interfering. That's the last thing I want to do. However, he is genuinely in need of help and moral support. Will let you know what the CAB say.

Lupinpooter - I didn't mean to offend! It upsets me to think that people (and YES even my Dad's good friends & family) think my Mum is the bad one and Dad is the victim. And that is far from the reality. My Dad hides his contempt in public, my MUm doesn't....that's the difference. My Dad even phones ME up to tell me how horrible Mum has been to him when I know the truth as I lived with it for 18 yrs. He told her she was so fat that noone would go to her funeral!

I wasn't suggesting your friend is hiding his part in it from you..... just wanted to add some input from the other side of the coin as it's much better to look at it from all perspectives.

No problem M2T, I appreciate you taking the time to read this thread and give your point of view, I wasn't offended at all! I feel unsure as to whether I should be involving myself in this at all to be honest, I feel I am interfering in someone else's relationship. We went up to the CAB today but they wouldn't let us in as the waiting room was overflowing! I have a free legal advice helpline service with my house insurance, so I thought I might give them a call. He just needs to know where he stands - he certainly won't be doing anything hasty.

Sorry to hear about the situation with your mum and dad btw M2T

The court will lsiten to you - they listened to my DP and to 2 of my friends when I was fighting my x2b for our daughter.

I would echo M2T though and say you never ever get the whole story from one person - my x2b is still classed as a victim by lots of people - apparently I have financially and emotionally raped him and he is nearly destitute and at the end of his tether - I know none of this to be the case but people believe him because they only hear his side of things.

Is there any cahnce of this guy to move him his girlfriend and the child out of the grandmothers house??

And he would have just a good chance as the mother for fighting for custody - but this has to be right for the child - the judge made a huge point of saying that none of his decisions would be based on gender as fathers are just as committed to their children as mothers (did feel like screaming that my b'stard of a x2b was just using her to hurt me but thought best hold my tongue rather than be held in contempt!!)

Think maybe moving would be my first choice though - go tot he council - you never know they might take overcrowding seriously??

Thanks twinkie, I found your post quite reassuring

Re: moving out of the grandmother's house - I've said exactly the same, but the gf refuses to go to the council to be rehoused. She and her mother have been looking at houses to buy - the idea being grandmother sells her house and puts the money down on somewhere bigger and my friend + gf get as big a mortgage as they can to cover the rest (it'll cost about £200K to get somewhere big enough in the area she's willing to consider).

What really makes me angry is that there are 3 bedrooms in the grandmother's house, but one of them is full of junk which she refuses to sort out. I can't understand the mentality of these people - the 14 year old girl should have the use of this room, surely?!

We talked about the moving scenario this morning and I told him that IMO he would be mad to get a mortgage with these people. He then told me that he is scared to say no because he believes the gf will chuck him out if he doesn't do what she wants! I find this so awful as to be almost unbelievable! However, she hasn't actually threatened this, he just thinks that she will. It shows what a state of fear he is living in I guess.

Oh lupinpooter, it sounds like he's got no say at all and v. little control in the decisions that are going on around him. Did you get any help from citizens advice?

Blinkin CAB waiting room was overflowing, so they wouldn't let us in!

I feel so upset and frustrated tonight. I'm not convinced that he really wants to get out of this situation and it makes me feel like washing my hands of him. I don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to abandon him but at the same time I don't want to risk my own sanity by getting sooo wound up on his behalf.

I am thinking that perhaps I should get some phone numbers of solicitors for him, offer to go with him if he makes an appointment, then leave it to him.

Sorry, just ranting to myself

Message withdrawn

Hmmm ... do you think, lupinpooter, that you're getting the full picture? You seem to be having a vague change of heart. Ultimately it is up to him to sort things out - you can steer him in the right directions (as you are doing) but you mustn't make it become totally your problem.

Thanks evita. You're right, I have a tendency to get too emotionally involved in this problem, which is counterproductive for everyone. He will do something about it when he is ready. He needs people outside the situation to confirm that it is not normal to be treated like this, and, because he hasn't confided in anyone else, I'm the only one at the moment. I have encouraged him to confide in other friends/family too. I'm going to try and step back a bit from the situation and not be too emotionally involved as I have no control over what happens, it just results in me feeling frustrated and angry, which is not good!

Things have improved a little following his confrontation with the gf and grandmother last week. Gf hasn't apologised, but she has been sheepish and less nasty than usual. He also stood up for his step-daughter this weekend and told the gf that he thinks she's a bully. This is a big step for him - he usually says nothing to her.

That sounds really positive. I was wondering how the step daugter was coping with this situation. It sounds horrible. You're doing the best you can do by listening to him and encouraging him to stand up for himself.

I've advised him to start standing up to her more and that this should reduce or maybe even stop her bullying.

In my opinion she's reverted to behaving like an adolescent and I think it's because they are living with her mother. He says she's completely different when her mother isn't around.

Personally I couldn't forgive someone who was capable of treating me with such disrespect in the first place, but he's a very forgiving person so maybe there's hope for them yet!