Moral dilema - what would you do and why

[Wills]

This is a slight follow on to an earlier thread. My "d"m is very needy. She basically demands that everyone loves her and her best i.e. that I put her above my kids and that my kids love her best etc etc. Anyway she's loaded and we're not. We've spent the last few years refusing to let her do anything or pay for anything. She spends hundreds on my eldest daughter but when this is pointed out she will then spend more on my other daughter and probably my son when he gets older. She's already told me that as an unloving uncaring daughter she's written me out of her will etc. Today (when i phoned to say that it was unfair that she spent 300 on dd1 but only 70 on dd2) she tried to blackmail me. She wants to spend money on me/my kids. The reason that I have so far refused to let her (i.e. she buys them presents but that's her choice I've never asked her to) is that she then expects us to be beholden to her i.e. to be so grateful that we'd do anythign for her. Today she told me that it would all go to my brother if I didn't tell her what my kids needed (he doesn't take the moral high ground and gets as much as he can from her but then he's in California and ignores her far more easily).

So here's the dilema. Do I carry on with the moral high ground - and if so why?

OR

Do I get her to buy useful stuff for the kids (like a new bed for dd2 whose bed has broken or a new high chair for ds cos its really decriped(sp) and then ignore all her demands. and if you choose this then why?

Unless I was desperate for cash for something like, say, an operation for my sick child then no, I wouldn't take the cash. All else has failed and so she thinks she can buy you! Or tell her she can spend what she likes but you won't consider yourself beholden as a result. And then STICK to it.

to have morals is worth much more than money imo

my ex fil was like this and i told him to shove it up his arse
coz i would never be beholden to no-one

turns out ex fil is leaving his ds share of the money to the kids anyway

that is his choice, not mine

I am going to read this again when I have more time (kids bedtime!) but my immediate reaction is that she is trying to buy you - very controlling behaviour. Is your Dad still around?

I'd take no cash from her. Ever. It's all loaded with power and debt to someone else. You'll never be free from her. Until she dies of course.

If she gives your elder daughter more presents, can you not get her to give you the presents first? You can then sort through them, decide how much your daughter shoud have and then divide the rest between other children at their birthdays and Christmas? Or give some of them back to your mother before your daughter sees them - that way there can be no doubt that you mean what you say about favouring one child over the other.

WinkyWinkola

Well if she said she has already written you out of her will then what she is trying on is out and out blackmail.

If it were me and I could do without her money I would. I am a really stubborn cow and will not give in to blackmail.

Shows how much she really loves your children as well as if she leaves it all to your brother they will not get an inheritance from her via you.

How much are you prepared to do? What is the limit? What will the next demand be, and the next and so on.

Even if you give in to every one of her demands she will probably leave it all to a cat shelter to spite you (-:

I meant if you accepted her cash you'd never be free from her manipulations.

Agreed. Have just talked it through with dh and yep we'll stick to the moral high ground. Its a lot easier in the long round to not have the feeling we somehow owe her anything!

Have just spoken to dd1 about my "d"m's comments re: her weight and told her to ignore them and that she's perfect. God roll on tomorrow evening. Have just spent the last few hours cleaning the house (that we moved into a few days ago) from top to bottom! Wont have her judge me a poor mother again!

Wills - yes you will have her judge you a poor mother, or a poor daughter, or a poor wife. Because that's what she does - she judges you. And you are still letting her. Cleaning the entire house before she comes shows that she is still manipulating you and that you are still worrying about what she thinks of you. Because you still want her to tell you how wonderful you are. Well stop waiting. She won't. But we all will. And your dh and your dd's will. You must face up to the fact that you are never going to satisfy her and stop trying to.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh - but you do know that I know exactly where you are. And that you have to stop trying in vain to win her apprioval and accept that you don't need it before you can truly break free of her. (Says the person who spent 10 hours icing a birthday cake for my little sister because Mum had asked me to do it so I had to make it better than any cake she'd ever seen - Dsis would have been happy with anything. But do as I say not as I do!)

I think this behaviour is quite common but maybe not so blatant usually. My dp's ex badly needed 1000 pounds and asked dp for it, she really wouldn't have asked unless she was desperate. He tried to get a loan to get the money but was turned down so I suggested that he ask his mum. He immediately said that the price would be too high, she would expect him to dance attention on her in return and complain loadly if he diddn't.
I would trust your gut feeling here, keep your pride.

What sort of comments is she making to your DD? It is one thing trying to manipiulate you but if she is lowering your DD's self-esteem at the same time as buying her expensive gifts I would be very worried about the messages she is giving her. You are right, she does sound like my Mum!

Blimey Wills, she's really pulling all of the stops out now, isn't she.

However, in a funny kind of way, I think this is (and I know this will sound strange) a good thing. You're standing up to her, she's feeling her power over you disappearing, so she's doubling up her efforts. And she really is going for broke with the 'I'll cut you out of the will' line. So you could take it as a sign that you're managing the situation quite well!

I think you are taking exactly the right approach - because it's not only about taking the moral high ground, it's about teaching your dds the difference between money and love and power, which is something she seems to have got very confused in her own head.

But I also agree with Prufrock, that you need to keep going and not need her approval - and this is really hard. I know it's probably not the right time or financial moment, but I would seriously think about getting some counselling if you can. I had the same problem with my mother, but opposite - she was never really around, and I kept trying to get approval and some sign she was interested in me. It took a while, but was well worth it.

Good luck for today!