Why can't DM be happy?

[VioletRoses5]

Okay, so I have been with DP for nearly a year. I knew he was 'the one' from the day I met him. He is a very thoughtful, caring, kind and selfless person. We lived a great distance apart and we decided that a LDR was not what we wanted very early on. He gave up his job, friends, flat and city life to move in with me in my house in the countryside.

DM has been wary of DP since they met. She hints that he is not good enough for me. This is mainly because he gave up his well paid city job to move in with me and I am now the breadwinner. I have no problems with this. I am a professional person with a good salary and enjoy my job. I have no doubts in my mind that he will get another job in the next month or so (job market is poor where I live).

DP and I bought my engagement ring today, together. We are not engaged, but since we had come into some money, we thought it would be a good idea to chose the ring before DP decided to propose. DM knew this was happening, I had told her 2 weeks ago and had also mentioned it last week. Her response was positive and she implored me to do what I wanted and what made me happy.

I told DM today and her response was 'I am shocked'. This really upset me. DM knew it was going to happen. Why couldn't she have been happy/excited for me? DP was angry that I was upset - it should have been a joyous moment, telling my DM that I had bought my ring. He telephoned her and tried to find out why she was 'shocked'. She accused him of harassing her, when all he wanted to know was why I was so upset and why she had been 'shocked'. He was rather 'assertive' on the phone, but only because he was upset that I was upset.

Now DM and DP are not speaking. DM was angry with me for letting DP telephone, but I did not condone this. DP has since been profusely apologetic to me, of which I appreciated. DM spoke to me like a child on the telephone - something that is not unusual. In fact, DM continues to treat me like I am 13. I am her only DC.
I have got no idea what to do. Should I confront DM? Should I be assertive and stand my ground on the basis that DM should be happy for me? I don't know :( It has completely ruined my (previously amazing) day .

I really wish you the best OP, and sincerely hope we won't see you back in a few months when you are asking for help because your cock lodging husband, who has cut you off from friends and family won't leave your house because 'it's his house too'

Take your time over this one. Don't rush into anything else. If it's right, it will still be right when he gets a job, starts contributing, etc.
Please protect yourself.

Did he buy you the engagement ring?

If I read the op correctly, you bought your own ring but are not engaged until your dp "decides to propose". This is a very odd state of affairs in my book and I think your mum has good reason to be concerned.

How did it go this afternoon Op?

Why on earth did he give up his job before securing another? Especially in a slow job market area?
If I were your friend, I'd be raiding eyebrows.

Awful about him being rude to your mum on the phone. Because when you put assertive as 'assertive' I expect it does mean rude. It's horribly interfering to have called her at all. His place is to support you in YOU talking to her.

I'm curious about the "we have come into money". We? How can it be we? I'm suspicious and think you mean YOU.
And are (naïvely?) treating it as "us".

Agree with people who say you are engaged.

It sounds as though your DM and DP are fighting over who gets to control you. While you sit back and watch. You need to be the person in control of you. And they need to behave better towards you and each other.

The romance of buying a ring is lovely, however if you are not engaged then look forward to being engaged. Your DM has ruined nothing and I wouldn't have even told my Mum that we were buying the ring but would announce engagement when it happens.

Cognitos suggestion of a chat is good, ask her if she has any issues with him as your future husband? keep it between yourselves. Could the "shock" have been that you have used this money to the ring when he hasn't got a job? Or shock at the cost? Or the timing?

Why are both of you going to speak to your mother? Whose idea was it?

I hope your DP intends to apologise to her for phoning her to "assertively" harangue her about your hurt feelings - that was not his place at all, it was only yours.

By all means tell her about your hurt feelings. And listen to hers. You don't need a knight in shining armour interceding on your behalf, though.

I am on your mothers side in this.

I would be worried if I was her too.

Far too much too quickly, and you are the one being taken for a ride by the looks of it.

I'd agree with some of the other posters who have said it all sounds a bit odd - he left a well paid job to live off you? In a poor job market? And hasn't got a job yet? All too quick for me, I'm afraid. He sounds controlling as well - how odd to buy an engagement ring and then for you to wait for him to propose!!

I'd say your relationship with your mum is your business, not his. Why is he coming to see her too?? Agree with Cogito's post that you should see her yourself and have a chat about just what she thinks of him, and why. She should have your best interests at heart.,

He needs to mind his own business! What's all this about phoning YOUR mum to tell her off? If you don't like her attitude, you should tell her. That alone has put me off him.

could be the shock that he is already spending your inheritance when he still hasn't found a job and is living off you already.

if you didn't know him long you have no idea why he was so keen to get away from london and his allegedly successful job. do bear that in mind.

VioletRoses did you buy the ring with your money?
I think you are being taken for a ride by this man.
Hopefully I am wrong.