Help. Awful "d"M coming to visit tomorrow - how do I protect my kids?

[Wills]

Just for the record! My mother is a screwed up cow! She's incredibly needy and needs everyone's total adoration i.e. I'm supposed to love her more than my kids, my kids are supposed to love her more than me and dh etc etc etc.

We've just moved a long way from her. she's coming to visit tomorrow. I have two issues and I don't know whether to leave it until tomorrow to see if they arise or to tackle them with her over the phone now.

Issue 1
Last Sunday was dd2's birthday party (done before we moved house). she turned up and cornered dd1 (who is 6 and her favourite) and told her she was too thin. since then dd1 has refused to run around naked and is worrying terribly over her weight. I didn't hear what my mother said (my mother takes dd1 to one side to say these things). This is not the first time she's said these things and its hurting dd1 (who for the record is on the 53rd centile and looks gorgeous and wonderful).

Issue 2.
The visit is supposedly for dd2's birthday (next Tuesday). For dd1 she bought loads of presents (she's buying dd1's love!) and must have spent at least 300.00 pounds FGS! For dd2 she's bought 2 presents with a value of about 70.00. She rang yesterday to ask what she could buy dd1 as she wanted to get her a gift as well. I'm furious but in a house crammed full of blasted toys that my bloody mother has bought dd1 it feels difficult to demand that she buys more presents for dd2 also she's not bothering with my ds at all. I want her to treat my children equally. I don't really want her spending all that bloody money but equally I want each child to be treated the same. What would you do?

Personally I would phone her with a list of rules regarding presents, being alone with DD1 etc. If she fails to comply bags will be packed and she will be returning home immediately. For example if 1/5/24 hours after she turns up she starts giving DD1 presents then she's out of there - no hesitation.

I would actually state NO presents for DD1, that may sound harsh but it is DD2s birthday not DD1 she doesn't need any stuff. Make sure you state them nice and clear so there can be NO misinterpretation.

Don't know how old dd2 is but do you want her to grow up and realise that she is a 2nd class citizan (spelling??) as far as your mother is concerned?

She is mentally and emotionally abusing your children how much damage are you going to let her inflict?

That's what I would do anyway but I am really mean (-:

Agree with Kathlean.
You must not let her instill bizarre ideas into your children's heads with regards to their size - and be very clear about that to her.
Agree - NO presents for DD1. £300? That's ludicrous!
This is YOUR family - do what you feel is right and stick to it.

Agree with the ground rules. Speak to her before she comes. Have you raised these issues with her in the past?

yes. The thing about the weight she will deny> the thing about the presents she will put down to not needing to buy dd2 so much as she shares dd1s stuff and therefore doesnt need so much

so DD1 needs another present?

NO SHE DOESN'T!!!! God but we've just bought a bigger house but its been taken over with toys. Help I'm drowning. Seriously though. I've just spoken to her and as predicted she's totally denied the comment about thiness - sorry but six year old is simply not capable yet of those types of lies - they simply wouldn't occur to her she's not got to that level yet. AND she's totally horrified that I think she would favour dd1 over dd2 and has gone out shopping to buy more toys - cos that's what this house seriously needs! She's mrotified that I could think such a thing... but unfortunately I know her real side and I know what really goes on and it really pisses me off. Oh well

Oh the upside I'm proud of myself that I said something instead of just fuming about it. Its like on sunday at dd2's party when she told my fil that she didn't know he'd had multiple heart attacks last year - yes she bloody did she just doesn't like anyone else being center of attention and ignores anything that doesn't fit her percieved view of the world. I stated in front of her and him that I'd told her. Luckily my very beloved fil and mil know all about my mother and knew that I'd told her - just pissed me off. Sorry was having a general moan.

Sympathies wills. My MIL loves boys and 'dislikes the character' of my daughter. She wastes no opportunity to regale me with dd's faults yet ignores the same qualities in her grandsons. Dd can be precocious, I'm not blind, but my boys aren't angels either. No advice but it drives me up the bloody wall For what its worth, ds1 and dd (ages 10 and 8) are beginning to get the picture and I'm not about to cover up for my MIL

Agreed. already I am teaching dd1 about fairness in the hope that she will challenge my mother but at the same time I shouldn't ask her to fight battles that I haven't

Oh my, she sounds awful. Poor you.

I know what it's like to have a needy grandparent. My MIL is so competitive and is desperate for her grandchildren to love her the most out of everyone. She wants them to need her like she wants them to fill up her life. I find this kind of behaviour revolting because it's all about the needs of the adult rather than the child.

Kathlean is right. Strict rules are necessary to establish boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. I've been really strict with establishing rules for behaviour around my child and so far, so good. She's stopped trying to bully me although she can't help the catty comments.

If she's whispering poisonous nothings into your elder daughter's ear about her weight, I'd not let them have time alone together TBH. It sounds like she's so manipulative and it's upset your children.

They are your children. You decide what is good for them and what is acceptable for your family and in your home. I reckon write it all down with a rationale so that you're clear in your own mind when you explain these rules to her.

Hope this helps.

WinkyWinkola

my maternal grandmother was just like your mother. Showing the same traits having favorities, isolating one form other, trying to seperate my parents. I suspose we became immune to it in the end but never my mother and i dont suspose you will. As we grown up we had periods that we didnt see her because my mother stopped it. Very controlling woman. In hindsight very lonely and disappointed with her lot i think. HTH

Spot on nicnak. I think its because her mother was awful and she's desperate to be loved but she has a list of what love is and its awful. If she knows that my in-laws have been around she will sweep up to the kids with loads of presents making comments about how the other grandparents haven't bought anything. My inlaws have no money but absolutely adore their grandchildren and us. It drives me nuts that my mother does this to them!

Anyway if any of you are still reading this thread I've started a sister one and would value your input.. here it is

wills

I agree with you that only the child who's birthday it is get's the present. Last year on my neice's 3rd birthday both her and her older sister got bikes (the older child asked for) only the older one uses her bike the one who's birthday it was has only used her bike once or twice as she didn't want one these where bought by the childrens parents.

Christmas is the only time that everyone has presents.

Is it possible foy you to do what i have done for dd (2yrs) is to tell family that as she has enough toys and clothes if you wish to give a token gift and the rest of what they were going to spend as cash so that we can put into her saving account or trust fund for when she is older.

Luckly my family have agreed to this as they can see that she has enough to play with.

I would put in strict rules as to how you want her to behave in your house and to your children.

1 - just the child who's birthday it is get the presents and no one else. If she brings a present for dd1 give it back to her and say very firmly thank you but it's - birthday today and only - will be getting presents today (i'm sure if you explain to dd1 before your mother arrives what is going to happen i'm sure at 6yrs old she will understand.)

2 - keep a close eye on her and if you feel that she is cornering dd1 interupt and ask dd what they are talking about.

i have a rule that anyone who wants to buy for my children is allowed to spend nomore than £30.
thatw ay they aren't given huge presents that make my own effort lok worthless, and B it measns that both childen will be equal in what they recieve....my X's family pretty much ignore DD but go overboard with DS.

i would explain that making comments about a childs weight is worng and that unless she has real concerns for their wellbeing - which she should discuss with YOU- she should keep her opinions o herself.

if she does or says anything you feel inappropriate then tell her.
she is your mum and you love her but you should not feel the need to "protect" your children from anyone you allow in your home.

Hi,
I'm sympathising with you here because my mother is similar. Spends a lot of time complaining about having no money and turns up with loads of little presents for both daughters week in week out. Then she gripes because my mil has bought the same thing. If only she'd check but she prefers to ignore the fact that my husbands family exist. And maybe my husband too....
Aaaaargh

I would have taken 300 pounds worth of presents back for a refund and done something more worthwhile with the money!
Also a tip I picked up from here if my Mum buys pressies thay stay at her house seems to have stopped her after she bought out 3 trainsets in one day!

Rules only work if people take them on board, my MIL has been great and checks what's ok and what isn't. My mother refuses to do this but come to think of it I rarely got the tings I asked for as a kid so it shouldn't be any surprise..... The cost thing is also crazy, my mum and sister spend more on the kids than we do for birthdays and Christmas.