Dp and I have been together for 5 years, we are engaged. No DC's.
On Monday night I had an event which was hugely important to me. It involved me traveling and staying over somewhere with a few other people. The event was organised months ago, I have done a huge amount of work toward it, and Dp has been my sounding board for a lot of it. He was away at his mum's whilst I was at the event, but I called him - slightly hurt that i'd heard nothing from him, and he had forgotten. Forgotten I was going/was away/was doing it. He said he thought it was next week.
This isn't the first time. I am, admittedly, very busy: I have two part time jobs and two voluntary jobs -and in one of the voluntary jobs I hold several different positions. (I'm hoping for a career in that sector). He never, ever knows what I am doing. On Mondays, for example, I am currently facilitating a course - it is ten weeks long and this week is week six. Every monday he has no idea where I have been/what I have been doing. I don't want him to know where I am every second, but it grates (a lot) that he has no idea what I do with my time as it feels like he doesn't care. We do live together. Another example: I did a MA and obviously talked a lot about my topic but he thought I was writing on a totally different subject.
In Oct I found out he had cheated whilst away for his final year at uni (he failed a year so had to repeat, when I graduated he took a year off and worked whilst we saved up to move from my parents to rent). I borrowed his phone, with his permission as mine broke. At work I recieved (well he received) some odd texts from a female housemate. When I asked him about it later - thinking nothing at the time - he admitted he'd kissed her when drunk. This then changed to kissing and touching, then 'I don't remember if we had sex or not, I was so drunk'.
When I found out in Oct I told him I wanted him to go for an STI test. He said he would, and didn't. After an awful argument the other week he booked the test for today...only he has cancelled and has re-arranged it for the following week. (In the argument I'd asked him why he'd stopped going to his voluntary job, his rationale for cancelling was that he needed to go see his work-mate who 'help him sort his head out').
During this time he'd also go days without contacting me, and he lied to me about his dissertation. The week before it was due in it transpired he'd only written 2,000 words (of 10,000).
Writing it out like this is hard as it makes it sound so black and white - he doesn't give two shits about me.
I forgave the 'kissing maybe/probably sex' because he was very unwell at the time. When I met Dp we were both very unwell - I went to Uni only a few months after a 9 month stay at an eating disorder treatment center. Dp also had an eating disorder, and we both were self-harmers. Dp also had drinking 'issues'.
I'm very grateful that I have managed to recover, and as I did very well in my degree I got a bursary which covered some of the course fees so I could study for my MA. Dp never really got the professional help I did, partly because he was not motivated to try - and partly because my illness was always more 'visible' than his, the medical complications of my low weights have been life threatening, but Dp has not had that (not that his experience was an less awful, but that is why I got the treatment).
Dp is better now then when we met, he no longer self-harms and his eating disorder is stable. He has tried to get help, and is on a 20 month long waiting list for therapy. He has not drank since I found out about him cheating.
I don't know if I am asking If i should continue this relationship...I think I know I shouldn't. Even if he is ill I can no longer trust him, and I don't feel he supports me.
This morning I was heading out with my mum for a rare shopping which i'd discussed with him, he hugged me and said 'good luck' - he so obviously forgot and thought I was heading to work.
We used to make each other laugh all the time, and I used to think we'd be able to do anything together. Now i'm just sad.
I don't know if I just want support or for someone to help give me the reality check that I think i'm on the verge off and am scared to see. I do care about him, I don't know if i love him fiercely like to used to and that makes me feel so sad.