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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So Angry, am I in the wrong?

17 replies

dontwanttobeamug · 10/08/2006 13:04

I made a post a few days ago about me breaking up with my DP despite the fact that his grandad had just died and I feel a bit guilty...?

Anyway he kept going on saying stuff like "when I bring you to meet my family.." etc as if everything was fine between us so last night I told him properly that we have no future and I want out of it so I got a tirade of abuse as follows:

"All you did was treat me like a stand-in handyman" - by this he is refering to the fact that he put a few pieces of flat packed furniture together for me and helped me lay wood flooring. Is it too much to expect a non-resident partner to help you out with things like this when he is staying at the house every fortnight AND hoping to move into it at some point??

"you can't even be arsed to give me a 2nd chance so you've obviously never cared" - I reminded him of all things I have been forgiving about including "squaring up" to my 4 year old during an argument!! The whole ridiculous money situation etc etc... all he could say was "people make mistakes".

Anyway he wants to come down and pick his playstation and games up that he left here and has told me that he will come down next saturday, he will text me when he's here if I'm out and he will wait on my doorstep for me to return. He won't tell me what time he is coming and got all cocky saying "might be early, might be late" and he is adament that he will say his piece to me.

I'm getting so stressed out by all this, I feel a little intimidated now too, he's trying to make me feel guilty saying stuff like "if you had your way I would save every penny I had rather than buy flowers for my grandad funeral" etc and now telling me that he will be coming to see me etc.

I wanted to remain friends etc but now I'm starting to wish he would just piss off and leave me alone. God knows how I would've got rid of him if we had moved in together.

Am I being a drama queen or would all this stress you out too?

OP posts:

tiredemma · 10/08/2006 13:06

he would stress me out, how old is he? he sounds like a 14 yr old.

sounds like an arse- although i know you already realise this!

expatinscotland · 10/08/2006 13:08

Post him the stuff via Recorded Delivery. Consider it money well spent.

Sorry, I read your other post about him.

He's immature and selfish and a fool and you just don't need it.

This wouldn't stress me out b/c I won't allow gits like this to manipulate me or waste my time and nor should you.

Post his stuff to his work if you have no other address and be DONE w/it.

Block him from texting you or get a new SIM card.

suejonez · 10/08/2006 13:09

Do you mind if I ask how old you are? You sound quite inexperienced at break ups (good thing in my opinion!). He is hurt and therefore being difficult and saying nasty things. It may or may not be possible to stay friends but IME this is FAR too early to decide whetehr that it possible.

You are hurting him, he is trying to hurt you back, it seems pretty par for the course to me. Yes it is stressful but you justneed to ride it out. Don;t forget although you have had some time to decide that you don;t ant to be in this this relationship, he hasn;t and it isn;t his choice. Just deal with it as best you can, hopefully it will calm down in time.

Carmenere · 10/08/2006 13:09

How long are you together? Do you have a child with him? If not I would just let him come and get his stuff, say his piece and then get on with your life.

expatinscotland · 10/08/2006 13:10

Sue
Dontbeamug has posted about this man before, he's a jerk extraordinnaire.

Carmenere · 10/08/2006 13:11

Is this the same bloke that spent all his money on games and stuff and then expected you to pay for everything when he came to spend the weekend with him? If it is well done for getting shut of him.

Hadalifeonce · 10/08/2006 13:11

You're not wrong, it would stress anyone.

The man is hurting, he's been 'dumped' he needs to fight back somehow. The only way he can is to make life as difficult as possible for you, until he's calmed down.

Could you not leave his things with a mutual friend for him to collect?

NotActuallyAMum · 10/08/2006 13:12

Is this the man who doesn't live in your area, spends a fortune on playstation games and when he comes to stay with you he always arrives with no money and expects you to fund him?

Huge apologies if I've mixed you up with someone else but if you're the person I'm thinking of I'd definitely post his belongings back to him. Either that or make sure you're not on your own if he must collect them

expatinscotland · 10/08/2006 13:13

Yes, Carmenere, this is the bloke of Ben Sherman tops and P.Diddy aftershave fame.

suejonez · 10/08/2006 13:14

"Sue
Dontbeamug has posted about this man before, he's a jerk extraordinnaire" - sorry, haven't read any of that but none the less, even jerks behave worse when they're hurt! ANd even jerks can be hurt (even if they deserve it!)

Carmenere · 10/08/2006 13:16

He almost deserves a place in the Mumsnet Crap Blokes Hall of Shame. Seriously though this bloke has not yet managed to grow up so it is no surprise that he is behaving like a scorned teenager.
Keep strong, you are doing well and definitely not unreasonable to be a bit stressed when dealing with this twunt.

Original poster

dontwanttobeamug · 10/08/2006 13:22

I'm 25 (so is he believe it or not!) and to be honest I am a little inexperienced with breakups, I have been in one other serious relationship before (which he decided to rub in my face last night as he's "oh so much more experienced than I am" and that relationship ended on a mutual wish.

lol @ the p diddy aftershave, I never thought that would ammuse everyone so much! lol

OP posts:

suejonez · 10/08/2006 13:28

the point I was trying to make was that his reaction (and yours) seemed very normal to me at the end of a relationship, when one of you (not both) have decided to end it. I have known very nice ex-p's become completely unreasonable at the point of a breakup. And it is very strssful, I should give up on the idea that you will be frineds at least to now and just get through it as best you can, whilst trying not to let him become too controlling.

The whole thing about him waiting on your doorstep until you return - sounds just fine to me, make sure you're out a REALLY long time, why let it bother you? Easier said than done I know.

Good luck - breakups are never easy on either side.

NotQuiteLouisRiel · 10/08/2006 13:30

Do you have a friend or sister or whomever who can be with you when he gets there? That will maybe cut down on the risk of a scene?

Well done on chucking him, by the way.

Iklboo · 10/08/2006 13:50

Tell him you'll be in at a certain time on saturday and if he doesn't turn up then, you're putting his poxy playstation outside your door in a bin bag and you don't care if he gets it or some thieveing little bogwoppit.

Ans a huge "WHATEVER" attitude to his other rants. Pillock. He's "oh so much more experienced" - that just means none of his other girlfriends could stand him either

catsmother · 10/08/2006 14:24

I am SO relieved you've finally seen the light about this sponging waste of space.

I seem to remember you posting several times before about his latest selfish antics ..... yet you gave him chance after chance (so much for "second" chances!)

It's fairly common for people to turn nasty when they're scorned - hurt pride and all that, or, he is so thick skinned that he thinks he can persuade you to have him back. You may have to be brutal here to get rid of him and simply refuse to engage in any conversation where he slags you off and makes you feel guilty.

You know why he's been dumped - and if he had a shred of self awareness and/or conscience, he'd know too. You do not have to justify your decision any further and I would screen my calls so I didn't have to speak to him.

Iklboo has the right idea. Why should he mess you about any further ? If you tell him when the PS will be left out on the doorstep you regain control of the situation ...... though I am a little worried at his reaction should the blasted thing be nicked.

On the other hand, maybe Expat's idea is even better. I'd also consider it money well spent, then I'd text him to say the stuff had been posted recorded delivery - or whatever sort of delivery it is that lets you track the parcel's progress and also insures it - then I'd text him saying there's absolutely NO need for him to come down. Here's the tracking number. Goodbye.

I'd also ask yourself ..... why on earth would you want to be friends with someone who's scared your children, used you, and spoken to you like a piece of dirt on countless occasions. There are 100s of prospective friends out there for you to meet who would never dream of behaving like this ........ and, in any case, given the distance, maintaining a friendship will always require extra effort ...... effort which he doesn't deserve. Put your energies into something more worthwhile.

And if you can't deter him from coming down Saturday, or if you think he might anyway, is there any way you could arrange for a friend or relative to be with you for a bit of moral support ?

colditz · 10/08/2006 14:33

Thank god for that, I thought you were never going to get rid of that stupid cock!

here is a mantra to repeat to yourself when things get hard that I hold tight to when feeling self-doubtful...

Just because someone says something about you does not mean it is true. Just because someone is hurt doesn't mean you have any reason to feel guilty. Just because a relationship was good for him doesn't mean it is doing you any good.

Now let him to be free to inflict himself on a brainless 17 year old, it is all he is capable of keeping up with. You are so much better than him.

Leave his playstation outside in a binbag on the doorstep, and text him to let him know what you have done. Then he will turn up pronto, knowing his Precious is out in the elements, and will have no other excuse to go back to your house.

If he tries to say you left it outside out of spite, say you felt the safety of yourself and your child was threatened - he sounds just like the type of insecure little twunt who would take it out on a child when he doesn't get his own way.

let the petulant little boy go and have his tantrums elsewhere. The dick head.

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