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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Be gentle....Do we have a problem here? LONG - may want to skip to the last paragraph

21 replies

lesbican · 28/02/2014 15:41

Hi, ok so...I've been seeing a lovely girl for 1 year. She has just said she would like to start spending more time with me in the week and we have also set ourselves a 12 month plan...like settling debts and learning to drive etc etc before we finally move in together.

My girlfriend is very sweet and family orientated, comes from a very small village and lives at home.

She is friends with her ex girlfriend who she dated on and off from aged 17 to 20 - she classes it as a silly kiddy relationship and they rarely ever saw eachother. I am also friends with 2 exes so I don't try reallyfucking hard not to let it bother me.

I think she has got wind of me being a little paranoid about her...the only reason I am worried is that they have hooked up inbetween relationships so obviously have feelings there? Although my gf has said that she asked her back 2 years ago and my gf said no, done kinda thing. I hope I'm making sense. I think I will just cut straight to the chase. I wanted to build up an image of her for you because I know people will just assume red flags straight away but she really isn't a horrible person....although I'm having to come here for reassurance hmm..

Anyway, she has always been adamant she isn't a cheat and hates cheats.

We were babysitting her nephew a few weeks ago and she was on her phone, nothing unusual - she doesn't have a lock on it and often leaves it by my side whenever she leaves the room. She told me about a hotel about an hour away and was laughing at the bad reviews. I asked why she was looking at that and she said "Jane" showed it to me. "Jane" is her best friend. No more than 10 minutes later I asked how Jane is and she said she hasn't heard from her in a few days. WTF? Why lie about who showed her the hotel and why is this person showing her hotels?

Could this have been a hotel her friend showed her a while back but only just looked. Seems suss. I'm GUTTED that I didn't question it there and then because now I just look like I have been overthinking it (which I have).

I do trust her generally but I have terrible trust issues which creep up now and again.

Any idea how I could bring this situation up to get clarification without sounding crazy jealous?

OP posts:

Original poster

lesbican · 28/02/2014 15:45

My girlfriend has also asked if I would like to meet up with her ex (they are good friends now) for lunch one day. So she isn't keeping us apart if that means anything

OP posts:

ShatnersBassoon · 28/02/2014 15:46

Was it not just a link on Facebook or something? You could send friend something funny without actually being 'in touch'.

LettertoHermioneGranger · 28/02/2014 15:48

There's not a lot of information here, but I would assume that is someone is using a hotel to cheat, they're not going to mention the funny reviews to you. Sounds like some wires got crossed as to "Jane" (maybe Jane sent an email a few days earlier with the hotel thing linked and your gf is only now checking) but the hotel thing wouldn't bother me in particular.

That said, always trust your instincts, and usually if you find yourself worried about cheating there's a reason - at least in my own experience. But don't look for reasons where they aren't, if that makes sense?

eurochick · 28/02/2014 15:50

Why couldn't Jane have told her about the hotel when they were last in touch a few days ago? I'm not understanding why you are assuming it's a lie.

Innogen · 28/02/2014 15:53

Could she have just sent the link with no comment? My friends do this all the time with bad clothes, it's funny.

I haven't a clue how the last friend who sent me this is doing. I assume she's fine, but I don't KNOW.

JustSpeakSense · 28/02/2014 15:54

Perhaps she just got a link from Jane on FB (and hadn't actually chatted that day) or perhaps Jane had told her about it a few days ago and she hadn't looked at it yet. Either way I think you are really overreacting and sound really insecure.

Perhaps you have been hurt in the past and find it hard to trust? It would be a pity to drive away a good woman because of your own insecurities.

goshhhhhh · 28/02/2014 15:54

Personally I don't think you have anything to worry about, especially if she has said she wants to introduce you. I think you may be right in that it is your trust issues at play. Why don't you tell her about how you feel & ask fir her help to enable you to feel secure & reassured in your relationship.

goshhhhhh · 28/02/2014 15:55

For not fir!

Original poster

lesbican · 28/02/2014 15:55

Thanks guys. I am stupid sometimes. I read into so much and we always argue about my insecurities. She said that by me questioning her love all the time makes her feel like she's failing. I feel a lot better now.

I'm crazy

OP posts:

goshhhhhh · 28/02/2014 15:56

No not crazy just a human being.

Original poster

lesbican · 28/02/2014 16:00

Thank you Goshh. Your comments are very much appreciated. I wish I knew about this forum years ago lol could have prevented myself from making some terrible mistakes with serial cheaters!

OP posts:

LineRunner · 28/02/2014 16:01

You're not crazy, you're just a bit insecure and you recognise that which is a good step. Talk to her, like the other posters have suggested. We all need reassurance from time to time.

JustSpeakSense · 28/02/2014 16:06

You're not crazy - maybe just crazy in love

Original poster

lesbican · 28/02/2014 16:25

I know it's not an excuse but I think I'm paranoid because i've been cheated on a few times before.

I'm completely in love though and she says she is too.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 28/02/2014 16:45

That's what this stage of the relationship is kind of 'for', before you take the big step of living together - finding out if you share the same values and are compatible. The more you talk, the more you'll know.

You are not paranoid, but I suspect you are bruised. If being cheated on is going to be a deal-breaker for you, be honest with your girlfriend and honest with yourself.

It is really normal to need to be able to trust a partner.

cafesociety · 28/02/2014 17:00

Please have a good think about this.
You say you argue about your insecurities....and...she is saying you question her love all the time....and....it makes her feel like she is failing.

None of the above is good. You are in danger of ruining a good relationship by being paranoid. It would be too easy to push her away if you continue like this.

You either trust her or you don't. But be very careful about continuing in the same way as you have been doing, you are pressing your self-destruct button.....

Original poster

lesbican · 28/02/2014 17:06

I am very aware of this, but I don't know how to stop? She's not even giving me any reason to be suspicious. I can literally read into something and overthink something so much that i WILL find problems. It's not normal

OP posts:

LineRunner · 28/02/2014 17:10

In that case I think you need to talk these issues through with a professional. Have you ever considered that?

cafesociety · 28/02/2014 17:17

Please therefore get some professional help, therapy or counselling. Or just believe what she says, get on with your day. Give her a break.

We can all find problems if we look. Just be thankful you have someone who wants to be with you and replace the negativity with appreciating her.

Original poster

lesbican · 28/02/2014 17:17

I am currently on Citalopram and the psychiatric nurse said I could request counselling which I definitely want to do but for some reason at the time I said no. I have had it before but not for long

OP posts:

LineRunner · 28/02/2014 18:03

I agree with cafesociety that you need to start replacing the negative with positive thoughts. CBT could be valuable for you.

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