My mother didn't give birth to me so I could spend my life married to an alcoholic

[FlatsInDagenham]

Thread title inspired by another thread on another topic.

I wish I could ask my mother what she thinks. She died 15 years ago.

I'm so unhappy today, I can barely put one foot in front of the other.

He's not a bad person. In many ways he treats me well. But he's weak. And he will never stop drinking.

He will never choose me and the DC over his precious wine.

I've had enough.

Yes, go to the CAB before you talk to your DH, so that any arguments he puts forward, you will have the answer to.

However, unless you are afraid he will kick off or be awful to you and your DC, then you could definitely give him a hint of the way the wind is blowing!

Go to AlAnon as well (for families of alcoholics) for help and advice there. As a single parent, you will get some benefits.

You do need to get your DH out of the house - you might think it's "not fair" for him to leave home, but are you serious? HE is the one with the problem, HE is the one who has been drinking away all your money, HE is the one who has failed to quit drinking - how is it fair that your children should move out of their home instead of their father, since it's HIS FAULT?? Please!

You say you don't know how to harden your heart. Well think about how your children are going to be, growing up with an alcoholic. Look at some of the threads on here where children of alcoholics have talked about their experiences. Start another thread about it if you want, to ASK specifically how children of alcoholics coped with their childhoods. And if that doesn't give you the impetus you need to sort things with your DH, then that's a bit of a worry.

Get some legal advice before you do anything. Information is key. Don't worry. Read your first post again. Your last words were, "I've had enough."

people split up, they sell up and go their separate ways, it can be done.

Does he want to stop drinking?

My advice would be to forget the "We can't afford to run two households" bit.

You need to be thinking: "Can I with his child support payments run a household for me and the children?"

Concentrate on yourself and your children. The whole point of breaking up is that he will no longer be your concern. Let him worry about whether he can afford to run a household for himself. As others have said, he will probably find the money for drink.

I was where you are 2 years ago. earning £5000 a year maximum. 2 young children, husband drinking constantly.
We broke up and he left. with working tax credits and a tight budget I'm better off now than I ever was!
Don't let finances dictate the rest of your life, there's always a way. I've now got a new job I adore and my future looks so bright .
For me, the idea that I was being a role model for my daughter is what helped me to finish it. The idea that she might mimic my choices and stay in a miserable marriage because she saw me do it, was awful. So I made changes and feel I'm a great role model now.
Life is too short to be just existing

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and advice so far.

At the moment I wake up every morning feeling sick and depressed. Then I make myself get up and get on with my day (the DC are a wonderful distraction) and as the day goes on I feel stronger and more convinced that I can and should get out of this relationship. Today I even feel slightly elated at the idea of starting my life over again.

But in the morning I will feel sick and paralysed and sad again.

I think that's pretty normal. It is a massive step and it can be very daunting. I found it easy to put off for a long time. So despite being utterly miserable, I stayed far longer than I should have.

Make your plans, start building an exit fund. Start making a list of things you WILL do when you are on your own. Mine included things like 'buy a new toilet seat', 'not eat meat every fucking day' etc. These little things have me hope and made me actually think, dream and plan for my life on my own. You can do it. You will do it. When you are ready.

Someone upthread asked if he wants to stop drinking.

No, he doesn't want to stop. He only controls it (to a certain extent) because of my threats.

He knows something is up. He knows I'm thinking of leaving. He is barely talking to me. Maybe he's seen this thread (he's snooped on my threads before). And it makes me so so sad that he's not fighting to keep me. It's like he's just waiting for the axe to fall.

IF that's what he's waiting for, and he's no intention of stopping, then you need to plan to get out of this situation as quickly as you can, Flats. There's no point in prolonging it - he's not going to change, and in the meantime you're just being dragged down more and more.

Go and see the people you need to, to get the safeguards and advice - and then drop the axe.

No advice on relationships, but I can advise on tutoring. Get yourself on tutoring websites (free), sign up to multiple agencies. I charge £40 ph even though I live outside of London (well outside!) and I tutor a lot from home - though offer a discount for that. Even with costs of babysitting or child minding, that's a decent hourly wage left over. Petrol/train costs going to and from students are tax deductible if you record mileage, as are books, papers, pens, ink cartridges, as long as you keep the receipts. Get yourself in yellow pages and put cards in local shops.

I began earning about £5k per year. I did all of the above and now earn enough to live a really comfortable life (independent living, own a small home, holidays etc) and get lots of word of mouth referrals. I love my work and you get all the positives of teaching - building relationships, witnessing development,engaging with young people and (usually!) inspiring them, but without the bureaucratic shite that is inflicted on teachers.

Good luck op... You could soon be earning a really healthy income. I have low periods (August-October when I earn bugger all), but in Christmas and Easter holidays, I can teach for 7 or 8 hours per day. I stash it into savings and budget the rest of the year - including saving for self assessment tax. You are coming into the peak exam prep time, so get your name and profile out there and start earning quids and create a nest egg for yourself - it'll put you on the path to financial freedom.

I have just separated from my H due to his drinking. Although it hurts like hell at the moment, the relief at no longer clock watching and wondering if he would be drunk when he came in is immense. Like your H, mine isn't a bad man and isn't abusive when drunk but I am absolutely sick and tired of living like this. Me and our DDs are never going to come first while he is drinking and he is not willing to stop.

As someone up thread has said, you need to harden your heart and concentrate on you and the DCs. I am finding this really hard and keep feeling pity for him (he has ended up staying with a mate for now) and wondering if he is ok. But you know what? He made the choice to keep drinking despite me begging him to stop. He made the decision to put drink before me and our DDs. And he made the marriage unworkable by continuing to drink. So now he is suffering the consequences. His choices, his problem to deal with. So if your H ends up in a bed sit, tough. It is not your problem any more, it is the consequence of his decision to put drink first. Your only concern is whether you can run your household for you and the kids, not whether he can afford to run his. Besides, alcoholics are a resourceful bunch and usually find a way. Go and get advice on finances and work out exactly how much money you would be entitled to and start making plans. It may be that you have to sell the family home and move into rented property while you get back on your feet but it will be worth it in the long run to set you and your DCs free from the misery in which you are currently living. Good luck, you can do this.