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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So my so called husband says to me ...

23 replies

tobethatis · 28/02/2014 12:20

So my so called husband says to me 'if you hadn't met me you would be living in poverty.' What a put down ... i cannot bear t be in the same room as him

OP posts:
sisterofmine · 28/02/2014 12:21

my response would be.... yes but at least I'd have my self-respect

Walkacrossthesand · 28/02/2014 12:22

So, where do you go from here?

FreakinAllAboutSugar · 28/02/2014 12:23

Ugh.

Genuinely at a loss for words. Can you take yourself off somewhere for the day,hell, even the weekend,to get some distance from him?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 28/02/2014 12:23

Regular Prince Charming he is Hmm

yegodsandlittlefishes · 28/02/2014 12:29

Oh now, what's that song?
You're So Vain? Not it
These boots are made for walking? Almost
Hit the Road, Jack? Apt, but no
It's 'Don't You Want Me'by Human League.

Original poster
tobethatis · 28/02/2014 12:31

i have to wait a few weeks then i can travel and see my family as we live outside the uk this happened a week ago and still feel same disgust

OP posts:
DafadWoolanog · 28/02/2014 12:41

What was the context of his saying it?

LastOneDancing · 28/02/2014 12:49

What a load of shit.

If you hadn't met him the possibilities are endless - a winning lotto ticket, a chance meeting with a handsome millionaire, a sudden flash of inspiration and an amazing business idea, a great job opportunity...

Nobody knows what might have happened. Including him.

AnyFuckerHQ · 28/02/2014 12:52

.....and he would still be a dick

Jan45 · 28/02/2014 12:52

That is more a reflection of his own insecurities.

MrsIrony · 28/02/2014 13:18

Yes mine would say that to me. Strange because when he met me I had my own house, my own car and a job in central London which I enjoyed and was relatively well paid. I met him because the interest rate on my mortgage had shot up to 15% and I couldn't afford it so advertised for a lodger. That was it from then on. He regarded himself as my saviour and I should be forever grateful.

He, conversely, had a bike, a bag of clothes and a shit load of credit card debt. He earned the same money as me and his parents owned their own house in the North East. But as an individual he had nothing. But seemingly I was a gold digger because I knew his parents owned their own house and my dad lived in a council hous! Figure that one out. I often pointed out that if that was the case I would have married someone with parents living in the south east where I live and grew up and houses are typically three times the value.

This skewed view of the basis of our marriage and me continued throughout our 20 years together and got progressively worse. But eventually I came to realise it was more about his inadequacies and lack of self esteem than my need for a meal ticket. Apart from about 6 months when my daughter was first born I have worked throughout. Part time when she was younger and full time since she was about 12.

Don't let that crap get to you. I did and struggled for years trying be super mum and super wife. I now know I could have jumped through hoops of fire and it would never have been enough. I feel so much better now I'm out of it and have much higher regard for my achievements.

Just bat it off. Sadly if he sees you like that chances are it won't change. Just my take on it.

Innogen · 28/02/2014 13:26

Surely you'd have just married someone else and been in a similar financial set up?

Bless that he thinks he's the only option! Plenty of men knocking round OP! He's replaceable ;)

chateauferret · 28/02/2014 14:02

"But at least I wouldn't be living with a twat."

ThePinkOcelot · 28/02/2014 14:21

Why did he say that? In what context.

I think I would have told him to fuck off!

Original poster
tobethatis · 28/02/2014 14:50

there was no real context we were arguing a bit but that just blew me away. My grandmother is also ill, dying, and he said old people get ill thats what happens when they die. Thanks for the responses I feel like something has snapped inside me and I feel totally different towards him. Why would someone say that? I just replied I had my whole life ahead of me when i met you. The more i think about it the more it upsets me because there is a total lack of respect, based on who owns what. As I have children now my earning capacity has reduced. Funny thing is I was supporting him at one point when he couldnt find a job. It all so very disappointing. I actually feel very depressed about it. Its is extraordinary how the words people use can literally but bullets through your heart.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerHQ · 28/02/2014 15:09

"to the left, to the left....."

In the words of Beyonce, he is replaceable

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2014 15:09

The sentiment that 'you'd be nothing without me'... is really insulting. He's saying you ought to be grateful and that's not how equal relationships work

BalloonSlayer · 28/02/2014 15:35

Point the supporting thing out to him: "And when you were unemployed, if you hadn't had me as a meal ticket you'd have starved to death like a dog in the gutter. What? Did you think that sounded a bit unkind? I am glad you said that because what I was doing was turning round the appalling thing you said to me the other day, sending it right back at you. If you think I just said something awful, then I need a grovelling apology for what you said."

Melonbreath · 28/02/2014 16:08

Tell him yes he's right. You're staying with him out of gratitude not love. Is that what he'd prefer?

Original poster
tobethatis · 28/02/2014 19:24

he just acts like nothing happened and we should carrying on as before - i find that behaviour bullying - i cant see how i am going to recover from this it is too much

OP posts:
Hissy · 28/02/2014 19:43

Sounds like a last straw to me love. :(

When you come back to the UK, can you make that a one-way trip?

He deserves nothing more.

What a vile twat he really is

FabBakerGirl · 28/02/2014 19:48

Don't listen to Jan45. This man isn't insecure. He is a wanker who thinks he is something special.

fideline · 28/02/2014 19:48

You'll be living in misery if you stay.

What's your plan?

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