Please hold my hand, it will stop me making a fool of myself

[workingtolive]

So after years of ups and downs, splitting for a bit and getting back together we are finally over.
He has packed a bag and gone.
I am devastated.

It is usually at this point that I go all out to get him back by whatever means - emotional blackmail, promises to change etc.
I know I can't do that, it is so unhealthy for my dc.

But I have never ever felt so alone and empty. I have cried almost constantly since 9pm last night.

Tell me this will pass, I must not text him/email/call him in tears.
But I really want to.

This will pass :)

All those years of pain and worry and tears, that's what you're crying for. It's frightening but that passes and then there's this wonderful world out there.

You may eventually decide you want to have another relationship, and then you'll see what love really is. It's not desperate and drama, it's safe and loving.

I'm so sorry you've got to go through the hard bit. But by holding on and not contacting him, you will be moving forwards to a much much better life.

You can do this.

Don't contact him. Take it one hour at a time. It will get better, but you will also have some very difficult times.
Keep in mind how strong your DC will see you being.

Do you want to talk about it?

Break it down into, "I won't contact him for one hour" then "I won't contact him for another hour" once those don't seem so frightening make it "I won't contact him for a day" then a week. But by then the urge will have gone. Just keep adding the hours on. Don't stress yourself with "I won't contact him ever" that will come later. Start with an hour. Then 2 hours, then 3.

NB I am not saying contact him in an hour! The aim is not to contact at all, but to break it down into bite sized chunks. If the worst happens and you slip up, that does not mean you have failed! It will make it harder on you, but no need to beat yourself up about a mistake. Just remember you are doing this for the stability of your dc.

Thank you.
there isn't really anything to talk about. We have 3dc, we have been through lots of stuff together and we've come out the other side broken.

He doesn't love me, I made him stay back last summer and I thought he would come round to the idea of me again but he has just been going through the motions and treating me like a friend. I asked him last week why he doesn't want to have sex with me ever and he admitted he doesn't feel that way about me anymore and that "we don't work" no matter how hard he tries.
I actually attempted to call his bluff and said ok then leave and he has and I really didn't think he would.

It doesn't help that in the usual run of things he would be a good but fairly passive dad but this last week he has ramped it up and has been amazing with them. Which only makes me sadder really.

I have never felt so lost and alone as I do now.

Working, he's being an amazing dad because of the guilt he feels.

No one deserves to feel like the other person in the relationship doesn't really want them. You deserve to be cherished. Otherwise you're selling yourself short.

This will pass.

Working, it sounds like you haven't lost feeling for him as much as he has for you? So you're having to deal with being rejected by a man who is the father of your children, and that you wanted to remain in a relationship with? Were your arguments/difficulties all around him wanting out - do you love him?

Yes I wanted us to stay together. We've had ups and downs and come through so much. Life should just be getting good now and I do love him very much.
He has obviously been thinking about doing it for a long time as he is very at peace with it and I'm in pieces.

Hard as it is, you have to accept that he doesn't love you, doesn't want you, and doesn't want to be with you.

That's a terribly hard thing to accept, as you still love him - but do you want to love a man who doesn't want you?

Texting or calling him will make absolutely no difference to how he feels.

Live now for yourself and your children. Obviously he will still be in your life, as he is their father, and that will make it harder. But you will find the strength - don't make your future happiness dependent on the love of someone who simply doesn't love you.

Delete his numbers, or remove them from your phone. Write them down and give them to a friend or relative to keep safe for you (in case of emergency.)

Keep your head high and chin up. Its an awful place to be going through. I did it 3 years ago when my and DS's father finally parted ways.

Treat yourself to something you enjoy, a hobby, craft or activity you can get into?

So I'm falling apart. I can't stop crying.
When does it start to get better? I am exhausted

It'll take longer than you think you can bear but not so long when you get through it and look back.

Maybe a week until you look back and think its got a little better and you can see a way through?

Make sure you eat a little, drink fluids and rest. Watching stupid telly can help a bit, strange as that might sound. Sending warmest wishes.

Oh lovely. It will get better. It is so similar to grief- you have to grieve for what you have lost. It's awful and agonising but also normal and natural and most of all- it will get better. It just take time.

So I'm working through my emotional state, I'm finding it very hard but have some fantastic friends who are supporting me and my meltdowns.
Ex dp is being ok, keeping his distance but very much there and in contact with the dc. He told me he'd like us to be friends and good parents and that he would always support and help as much as I will allow.

All looking good. Until this morning which gave me a positive pregnancy test. This may explain my highly emotional state.
Wtf do I do now, I am in total shock. As if my life isn't hard enough right now.
Anyone got any wise words pls?

Oh gosh. No wise words. You need to make the decision as to what you want to do regarding the pregnancy. So sorry it's happened - such a difficult time to have an unplanned pregnancy Huge hugs x

Give yourself a few days to think, but not too long?

I am in a mess. I literally hate my life, this is not what I had planned for me. I just don't know what I'm going to do

Oh my, workingtolive, it's a lot for you to deal with all at once.
Treat yourself as if you were unwell. You need time to process all this.

Please try to just breathe, let your feelings be there, they will pass....not immediately...There's a way through, nonetheless.

Please, don't try to get him back though. If you do, you will go through this again, and again. He's dismissive, blows hot and cold, lets you down repeatedly, won't contribute anything to your family life on the basis that he pays for it - so that's his bit done (this from your previous thread).

Doesn't matter that he's been playing wonder dad this week, it doesn't change what he's done in the past and who he is.

You deserve better. But for now, in these circumstances, it must hurt like hell.

You don't have to know what to do today. Just get through the day. Let your feelings out on here if you want to.

It does hurt, I am being a rubbish mother to my dc, I am on the verge of tears constantly. I just feel so overwhelmed.
I know he had all the failings you mention and more but he was like a safety blanket that was always there, even if he wasn't great he was there.
That probably sounds very silly. I should be capable of being alone physically as he has been gone emotionally but I'm failing.

I wish I could turn back time, I've never been so desperately unhappy

I'm sure anyone would feel overwhelmed at this stage, wtl - it's only natural.

Would it help if anyone took care of the DC while you had some time to yourself? Parents, inlaws, or your partner (since he feels peaceful about things. Perhaps he can step up to the mark now.)

You aren't a rubbish mum. If they're still warm, fed and loved, the DC will be ok.

If you feel you aren't coping, or are very desperate, please don't rule out a trip to the GP. Or a call to Samaritans, if only to talk.